DH unable to cope with my MH menopausal struggles

[Hamiltonfan]

Just that really. I have just started HRT and my emotions are all over the place. I apparently have been snapping at the family a lot for which I have apologised. But DH who is usually my best friend in the world seems unable to cope. It's as if he thinks I'm putting it on. We had a huge row on Friday night and haven't really spoken since. He has apologised for upsetting me but not for what he said. That's not really the same thing is it? Not sure where we go from here tbh. My son overheard (16) and is very upset.

when you start feeling that anger emotion walk away and don’t say anything, put some headphones on and play music. Tell your dh when you’re walking away to not follow you

My DP has OCD. He snaps at me an awful lot when something triggers it.

I am not a saint. My patience has limits. He cannot help what triggers him but he absolutely can help his reaction. I've told him to his face its for him to regulate his emotions well enough to not take it out on me.

It's no fun having MH issues and equally no fun being on the receiving end either.

What triggers your anger?

What did you DH say?

I do sympathise because perimenopause sometimes makes me very short-tempered and intolerant with my DP and DD. The sense of frustration and irritation can be overwhelming and I sometimes have to go out for a walk just to get away from it.

At the same time, I think its incumbent on you to be mindful of how this can impact your loved ones. Peri/HRT isn't carte blanche to let fly all your pent up frustration and you do have a responsibility to not allow this to spill over into your relationships with everyone. It's not OK to just say "it's the menopause" but continue to be an arsehole. If its so bad you can't contain your anger you need to speak to the GP about your dose.

Not anger. Just upset. And as I've been fine for years I presume it's starting hrt and waiting for hormone levels to normalise.

If you want and expect grace from others, then you need to give it back. Nit picking over a ‘politicians apology’ is probably not worth it.

You need to work on strategies for handling your MH, which could include as @Catladywithoutacat says walking away, or being clear that you won’t make decisions on abc, or talking therapies, etc.

What did he say though? What makes you believe he thinks you're putting it on?

I can’t see that OP has mentioned anger issues here, just being snappy which is a normal part of menopause and whilst not pleasant to be on the receiving end of, isn’t the end of the world.

OP try explaining to your DH what’s going on and give him some reading materials on menopause so he can try and understand what your body is going through and how it affects your state of mind. Ask for his support. If this is new, it’s normal for your partner to think it’s a dramatic personality change and to take it personally.

I also think it's deep misogyny for women themselves to say that they can't control their emotions or reactions when they're going through the menopause.

Quite clearly they can otherwise they'd be sacked at work for their behaviour. If you can control it at work, you can control it at home. It doesn't render you helpless and completely unable to control any reaction you have

You’re an adult. Your emotions may be all over the place but you don’t get to take that out on the family. Find better coping mechanisms.
I also can’t see how snapping is because you’re upset. It does sound like a short temper.

I'll be honest, unmedicated perimenopause sent me completely haywire. Suicidal ideation, unbridled rage, paranoia, random tears, you name it. I went from being the calm, controlled one in the family to being completely batshit. HRT really helped but it took 3 months to level me out and my family were really understanding with me. It'll be much harder with family who cope less well.

How long have you been on HRT? If it has been more than 4 months and your MH symptoms are still severe,
please go back to your prescriber and discuss what can be done. You might need an adjustment to your dose or added medications (or a total change).

I agree with this.

Presumably he hasn’t apologised for what he said because he stands by it. I know peri is hard- I’m also on hrt- but you’re still responsible for your own behaviour. Constantly snapping at everyone isn’t fair on your family, even if you later apologise.

This,are you apologising for your behaviour. Agree with posters re the misogyny aspect.
Saying a males behaviour wasn't his fault because hormones would never fly!

Peri for me caused serious anxiety and MH issues.

i got HRT but also was prescribed duloxetine.

you may find additional drugs/therapy helpful depending on your specific circumstances.

He needs to woman up and get on with things.

Your hormones have a MASSIVE impact on your life and you can learn to spit the warning signs you’re about to explode but that takes time. And it changes. Then just when you think you’ve got a handle on it sobering else changes.

peri menopause isn’t a walk in the park and men don’t go through it. He can either get some sympathy or b*ger off. You’ve got enough to deal with without having to tiptoe round him. Emotional outbursts are awful but you’ve got an excuse. What’s his?

(NB I’m also peri menopausal (you may have guessed), my last eff to give vanished years ago and I’m on a hot train so have very little patience)

Do particular things upset you? The triggers for me were actually legitimate issues e.g people not clearing their mess or leaving clothes on the bathroom floor. I just became less able to bite my tongue and instead of asking nicely as I would have done preciously, I just went full on nuclear straight away. What fixed it was people not being selfish assholes.

Perimenopause removed my filter. If someone pisses me off they know it. I’m
not unreasonable but I have no patience for other people’s crap any more.

You've been snappy and apologised. He upset you and apologised. Accept his apology with good grace and move on.

You have the deal with your emotions and separately deal with whatever is driving you mad.
I once worked with a gang of women who used the menopause as an excuse for everything. Shouting at people in the office, flying off the handle at any tiny issue, going on and on that they were the only ones doing any work. It was a hugely unpleasant environment and I was one of many who quit because of them.

Thank you. It's only been 2 weeks. My head is all over the place

Contact with people with mental illness is tough.

Tougher when frequent / close family.
It always feels like "Why can't you make better choices?"
"Why do you have to get so upset over that?"
"Why is your line of thinking so irrational?"
"Why are you obsessing over that?"
"I'm afraid of saying the wrong thing & then don't even want to talk to you"

It always feels like the person with bad chronic MH is making choices that don't help them get better.
You can know logically that the illness not the sufferer makes bad choices, but that only helps a little as an onlooker. People don't know what to do. It becomes painful to see a loved one over-reacting/flying off handle/making weird decisions/hurting other loved ones. It's awful to feel impotent.

Eventually have to (and should) prioritise own sanity.

I don't know your best way forward OP, but I completely understand someone struggling with a volatile loved one.

So it's early days. All medication takes time to settle in. In the meantime, it's sensible to take a beat when you feel things getting on top of you. Believe me, I know it's hard, everything feels personal. As others have said, both of you have apologised, so let sleeping dogs lie and move on.

What type of HRT are you on? Are you on gel & pills?

Menopause is no excuse for treating anyone badly, men shouldn't be exccused for bad behaviour nor should women, would you accept him treating you badly and then using 'i cant help it' card?

I would leave somone who treated me badly then tried to excuse it

With the caveat that I don't know what your DH said, I agree with this.

While I am generally very much in favour of the greater transparency we have about menopause and the fact that women are able to talk openly about it, it sometimes shades over into embracing "hysteria" in a way which isn't helpful to women. It plays into the hands of those who claim women are driven by their hormones and incapable of behaving rationally.

If your menopause is making your life unbearable, it's incumbent on you to seek help with it, not to offload on your family. As with any other mental health setback, it's a situation which deserves compassion and understanding but its not a get out of jail free card which allows you to rant on about it all the time and behave badly to the people you love.

To be fair to you I have asked my DH for the same - to be more cognizant that I am more moody than usual. Last month I went mental because there were three instances in one week where he finished a food item, forgot to write a replacement on the shopping list and I'm in the middle of cooking and find it is not in the cupboard. It's things that would normally trigger me but the anger is magnified 10x.

Many women ARE sacked for menopause related things.

Unless your H said something nasty/abusive, would accept his politician’s apology and continue to work on your health and behaviour with your family.