DH unable to cope with my MH menopausal struggles

[Hamiltonfan]

Just that really. I have just started HRT and my emotions are all over the place. I apparently have been snapping at the family a lot for which I have apologised. But DH who is usually my best friend in the world seems unable to cope. It's as if he thinks I'm putting it on. We had a huge row on Friday night and haven't really spoken since. He has apologised for upsetting me but not for what he said. That's not really the same thing is it? Not sure where we go from here tbh. My son overheard (16) and is very upset.

I'm not asking for a get out of jail card. Just some empathy and understanding. My kids have managed to do that with no issues.
I am getting help for menopause hence starting HRT. It's taking a while to settle hence why I asked my family to be kind to me whilst I'm bursting into tears every 5 mins

You need to make a concerted effort to regulate your emotions and take a Time Out if/when it all gets too much. Menopause is tricky but no excuse for poor behaviour.

edited to add
why do you burst in tears every 5 minutes…

And when men act like that it is called abuse

Are you snapping at people out in the big bad world, OP? Or just behind closed doors?

I always think if I am going to speak to my family like shit, I'd best also be comfortable doing it to random people in the street who might punch me. If I am not comfortable doing the latter because of the consequences, I am capable of stopping myself doing it to family as well.

I work from home. To be honest have avoided seeing people the last few weeks as I can't stop crying.

I feel like you're maybe not being honest about what this really looks like for you and your family? Bursting into tears regularly is completely different to snapping at everyone.
Of course some understanding for someone who is tearful is a reasonable expectation. Snapping is different though isn't it because it hurts the person on the receiving end.
I really feel for you op, it must be horrible to lose control of your emotions to that extent. I'm just not convinced minimising it and telling your husband he just needs to be understanding is going to be the best way to get you all through it unscathed.

What did he actually say that you feel he hasn't apologised properly for?

I suspect most people on this board haven't experienced menopause. I should have posted this in a different board. Friday night I was all set to run away and never come back. But couldn't do that to my children. I feel so low. And am just asking my husband to be understanding. He nearly died a few years ago. I was there for him 24/7

You originally said you were snapping. Now it’s crying. I expect you’re not being honest with yourself about your behaviour and how it affects your family.

I know it's just hormones and I will be ok. But at the moment feels like my world is over

I said I "apparently" have been snapping. I don't think I have. Im mainly just crying

Are you always so rude? You must be a man. No woman could make such a dumb comment surely…

Some of the comments having a dig at OP feel like AI comments. I can’t believe another woman would leave such mean comments about a woman struggling

we all go thru peri differently but just cos someone didn’t struggle to the same degree as OP doesn’t give them the right to assume she’s just grumpy and excusing her behaviour
she clearly is trying the best she can and is already seeking help for it with HRT
i totally empathise, it’s also hard for your husband but you’ll both get thru it if you are able to keep lines of communication open

Look, I know that the menopause can affect women differently, but it seems to me that there must be other issues that trouble you. What steps are you taking to address those?

I also think you might benefit from counselling, even if it’s just talking therapy. I certainly found it a useful outlet and a means of straightening my head and get on top of some difficult emotions when I went through the menopause.

Why do you expect others to make allowances for your MH, but refuse to make any allowances for the results of your behaviour?

They should all just put up and shut up?

Nice to see you just dismiss casual abuse.

Nope. Not a man. Just a woman who doesn’t this it’s ok to take your hormones out on your family.

Not been through the menopause OP so can only offer my sympathies.

I am autistic though and the littlest things can set me off crying and snapping.

The first thing I could recommend is that as you're able to identify your emotions, and you know when you're getting sad you need to practice saying things to yourself like: do I need connection right now or do I need space? Can I get space right now and if not when is my next available slot that I can prioritise myself and my own needs?

Once you've answered those questions for yourself, then you can ask others for what you need. "Can I have a hug, can I have some space, I just need to pop upstairs for 5 minutes, I'm just having some feelings right now but it isn't a reflection on you, thank you for being there for me, thank you for giving me that time to dust myself off"

It's also important to note that you don't always perceive yourself how others perceive you. To you, you can logically explain you're not snapping, you're feeling overwhelmed by emotion, but to them they don't know why you're feeling the way you are and they can't just make assumptions that it's hormonal, so it is easy for them to internalise your emotions.

It can also feel like you're really isolated. You've already said your husband nearly died a few years ago and you were by his side 24/7. He's not reciprocating that, but that's because you're not nearly dying. To you, the feeling of being all alone in this is still really valid but to everyone else, the feeling of it being a lack of crisis is also still really valid. You're allowed to be upset, but they're also allowed to see this as another part of life and not a part of death.

I do feel that menopause needs to be discussed and publicised more than it is, because as another PP said women DO lose their jobs because of the menopause, they end up slowing down, they get assessed for capability, they're put through the ringer and are basically managed out of companies, and it's hard to prove because each woman's menopause is so different, but there should be more public tolerance for this natural change in our lives.

Please talk to your doctor again if it is making you feel really low. It's what they are there for. Mental health changes are a huge risk around menopause, and you do not have to suffer silently or suck it up but for now just try and find a way to communicate your needs so you can feel the feelings you are, so that others don't internalise them.

@Hamiltonfan I TOTALLY empathise.

From my own personal experience, I did not recognise myself, completely lost my mojo. Used to cry at the drop of a hat and the anxiety was off the scale!

It would definitely be worth a conversation with your husband, it is hormonal and for some women the menopause is debilitating and can be quite daunting coping with symptoms.

Of course, those suggesting that it is somehow "an excuse" to behave "badly" must have sailed through their menopause, fantastic for you, but it is not the same for us all.

Wishing you tranquillity 🌸

I’m a perimenopausal woman, not a man. Some people have been a bit curt but I think the message is the right one. Dwelling on whether her DH’s apology was worded correctly isn’t going to help. Peri is hard to live through but it’s also hard for everyone else to be constantly snapped at. A little grace in all directions is called for.

Are you serious? Or are you casually abusing me by being so snappy…

We had a huge row on Friday night and haven't really spoken since. He has apologised for upsetting me but not for what he said.

What did he say? Because unless this was something really horrendous it sounds like you’ve been giving him the silent treatment for days rather than the two of you trying to deal with this like grown ups.

My mum had a crap menopause and spent years snapping and crying and running off to her bedroom to get away from us all, in a way that’s fine because she was in retrospect clearly distressed. But the horrible thing was rather than making the effort to realise the menopause was skewing her perceptions she tried to blame her feelings on something - anything - that someone had done. Is it possible you’re doing this with your husband? Surely after decades of periods you know that sometimes people are legitimately being awful to you and sometimes they aren’t but your hormones can make you feel very upset or got at?

Age?

Thank you 🩷

I don't think you're abusive OP.

Can I ask though how is your marriage generally?

There's a well documented phenomenon that men are less likely to cope when their wives are having a medical event.

Just look at the statistics of men who leave their wives when they get a cancer diagnosis or require any modicum of care.

What was said in the argument? Because if you're positive that you haven't been snapping or making jabs or expecting anything unreasonable I'm wondering if he is trying to find a way to make out that he is a victim to your emotions, when your emotions are definitely heightened but they're just natural responses to his ineptitude?

As mentioned previously I do think there are things we can all do to help us stay regulated and we are all accountable for our own actions, but if we're being accountable for our own actions and they're justified and reasonable, then you cannot be accountable for someone else's reactions, that's on them.

Loads of sympathy here @Hamiltonfan . I can very much relate to the snapping, the crying, the RAGE, feeling like you're not in your right mind. It's so upsetting. No it's not 'ok' to be biting everyone's head off but you know that and you're doing what you can to address your hormone levels. Some posters on here can't pass up the opportunity to give someone else a good kicking 🙄

HRT took a good 8 weeks to kick in for me - I was up and down and all over the place. Then I started feeling more peaceful and more like myself. The rage, irritability and crying for no reason have now totally stopped for me. Hang in there - give it a good 3-4 months from start of prescription and see how you go. Your dose may need increasing. You honestly won't feel like this forever x