To think no one is that busy

[Monknk]

My brother visits our parents once a year, around Christmas. Aside from this it's a weekly phone call once a week, mainly to stop our mother from bothering him.
When he visits,
he comes out with the usual, "I wish I could visit more but I'm just too busy."
This week my mother fell and hurt herself at home. She is fairly shaken up and more of the caring burden has fallen on our DF and, to a lesser extent, me.

I feel increasingly resentful of him and my mother because in her eyes, he can do no wrong. He lives an hour away by car and has 1 toddler.

AIBU to think he could make an effort but just cannot be arsed.

Not necessarily. My elderly mother is bottom of my list of priorities. She was emotional cruel when I was growing up and always put her own needs and wants ahead of what might have been best for me as a child. She had decades to build a good relationship with me,
because I tried until I was in my 30’s. She doesn’t now get to have me run to be by her side just because she’s old or needs more support.

Is he very overwhelmed with daily life?
Put him on the spot. Tell him he should visit more as your parents aren’t as healthy as they used to be and it would be nice to have a family get together, how about next weekend or the weekend after? Which one suits him?

That's fair enough, you reap what you sow.

Pretty much.

in the meantime, his young child is growing up without knowing his or her grandparents…

I am so sorry but mine was fairly useless too.

This is exactly the same for me. Brother lives 40 mins away. I live 5 mins walk away from DM. He visits once a yr at xmas. Never calls DM..never answers her calls to him.says hes busy. Just him n his partner and they are always out drinking.
DM (86) relys on me for so much despite me having 3Dc. 6Gdc and a full time job. I love my mam n do a lot for her but she still considers him the golden child!! Grrrr! It makes me mad..

Well, so am I.

But then my grandparents survived into their nineties and lived overseas - my parents would ring once a week at the very most. If anything happened, then they'd be contacted anyway.

My parents would honestly think I'd lost the plot if I was calling them that often - they'd tell me to leave them alone and get on with my own life 😂

You haven't said how far away he lives ? He keeps in touch.
If he has his own family he is prioritising that particularly as his first marriage broke up. Maybe he can't cope with aging parents on top of his poor mental health

It usually falls to the daughters. My brother gets allowances made for him that’s for sure!

@Maddy70 nits in the op. An hour away.

Agreed. It is ageism pure and simple. I've seen it time and again on this forum. The disdain with which children speak about their ageing parents is incredible. Makes you wonder about the assisted dying bill actually.

I have a song for him ...

'We're busy doin' nothin'
Workin' the whole day through
Tryin' to find lots of things not to do.'

There is no contract, correct. However it’s called being a nice person and doing the right thing.
There is also a theory of 2 wrongs doesn’t make a right if that’s what you are getting at.

Well good for you. Everyone’s different.

Is it possible that his wife is controlling and won't let him visit, or makes it difficult to do so? Is he possibly anxious about driving?

Ha - he's a lazy fecker isn't he. Taking the easy way.

My uncle is the same. Couldn't do any wrong and my mother went to 4 days a week so she could care for her parents despite living 2 hours away. He, as a man, couldn't possibly make the shorter journey to see them or take any time off from his job. Luckily my grandparents realised what a nasty piece of work he is before they died.
The whole family is now NC with him so he's lost out.

The irony is if you said you are too busy they'd call you out on it.

The hypocracy is startling.

Drives me mad when people say they love you and their actions say other wise

He phones every Sunday because my mother used to phone him every other day and he was too busy to speak to him.

That is a lot and I would be interested to hear your brothers side of the story. Quite often there are reasons adult children have to draw boundaries with their parents. There’s a few threads on here by a lady who was harassing her son every day ringing him and expecting a lot from her son and I imagine he will go the same way as your brother and visit once a year if she carries on.

He'll not be 'too busy' when the time comes that there is inheritance involved, he'll leave skid marks on the tarmac!

Just what I was thinking! Seen it many times sadly!

Put your foot down. Don't ask questions or listen to excuses. He needs to step up and help regardless of his 'busy' life. Why do we pander to these people? For every caring person there is another skiver. It needs to be reversed.

But then how can she feel superior to him?

as usual a lot of pp will come in with "well my parents were utter fuckers who neglected me so fuck 'em"

but that doesn't appear to be the case here.

Having said that: children didn't ask to be born, and they are not your old-age care plan. (although: when a lot of us who are now expected to step in for elderly parents were born, there was a much better structure in place for elderly people)

The only thing anyone can do is accept that siblings may not be prepared to (want to) support your parents. You do not have to step into that void.

@Monknk an hour?? ye gods, my dh will travel more than that to do one 5 minute job then drive all over the rest of fife or up to the trossachs for jobs and he is 71!!! fuck all wrong with your bro! my dh drives regularly 300 miles per day! why dont you take a drive and catch him out one day when he is "too busy"???? he gets holidays and public holidays! we used to drive further than that on a pub crawl. (my dh never drank but I did)

He’s busy being an arse.