To think no one is that busy

[Monknk]

My brother visits our parents once a year, around Christmas. Aside from this it's a weekly phone call once a week, mainly to stop our mother from bothering him.
When he visits,
he comes out with the usual, "I wish I could visit more but I'm just too busy."
This week my mother fell and hurt herself at home. She is fairly shaken up and more of the caring burden has fallen on our DF and, to a lesser extent, me.

I feel increasingly resentful of him and my mother because in her eyes, he can do no wrong. He lives an hour away by car and has 1 toddler.

AIBU to think he could make an effort but just cannot be arsed.

This.

People generally find time to do what they want to do. He doesn't want to. Chances are you just don't know why.

An hour away? That’s pathetic.

Saying that, we had a similar situation in our family. When the brother used to visit, dh and I called it The Royal Visit’ .

His version of busy isn't the same as yours.

I had cousins too busy to visit or do anything for our DGM and yet she thought they were wonderful. Very busy people with jobs, a wife and DC. Me though not at all busy with a demanding job and a single parent.

Drop the rope if you can and then maybe they will see everything you do.

Yeah, it’s particularly bad as he only lives an hour away. Even 2 or 3 visits a year would probably make a big difference to your parents and would be no skin off his nose.

Busy and selfish.
There is no excuse with that behaviour.
I live in a different country to my parents and see them much more than just once per year at Christmas. He’s completely thinking about himself not your parents.

How far away do you all live from each other?

This.

i have friends who are a bit like this. They’re ALWAYS busy but when you drill into it they’re busy doing things that could be moved/shifted/not done for a couple of weeks.

I also have friends who both (husband and wife) attend kids parties together/go shopping together etc. I don’t get that but each to their own but I could start a thread on why on earth it takes two.

Sounds like my brother when my mother was terminally ill, hardly ever visited, left all the funeral arrangements to me, etc. Mum thought he was the best and everything he did was wonderful.
I think with him, he couldn't cope with his parent ill and aging and took the head in the sand option, knowing that there was someone else (muggins) to do all the unpleasant stuff
YANBU op, your brother is either a lazy bustard or a big baby.

He does what he wants to do. You need to do likewise and not look to him to act like you. If you want to do less for your parents, arrange for carers and so forth. You can moan about him to let off steam by all means but you're only going to wind yourself up by thinking there's some way you can change him. He does love your mum, in his own way, which doesn't involve showing up/doing stuff. He's busy with his own life and doesn't want to do any more than he does. Leave him to it and focus on what you can control - what you do or don't do.

You can't make him do more. When your parents think the sunshines out of him for doing nothing. You do loads and get taken for granted. Ive been there.

He has other priorities. Ultimately why this is, is none of your business. You can’t make him help. Whether he helps/visits or not, has nothing to do with what you agree to do/when you visit, etc. If you are resentful about doing too much, then choose to do less.

If you have elderly parents though and you live too far away to physically pop in, I think every other day is pretty sensible to check all is well.

i agree except for arranging carers. OPs parents can do that for themselves.

Where is there a contract foer children to care for you in old age? We don't know the relationship this man has with the parents. Caring is very hard for anyone and the man has a fulltime job and a toddler. The child he has is his priority and needs him. I understand the OP feels stressed and it is falling on her. Honestly, the parents need a care assessment and care plan. The mother's mobility is very limited and obviously they need more care and the OP nor brother can become their fulltime carer. The OP needs to talk to her parents and the brother together to get a care assessment and have daily carers in or maybe they both need to go in a care home. I say this as someone who cared for my mother and my sibling worked and had 3 children under 10 at the time. Something needs to be done as clearly the parents are in need of help qnd the OP is going to have to be firm with her parents about it.

Pretty much ☹️

Also this. If she's overly worried that can be suffocating.

Put down some boundaries of your own, and the resentment will likely lessen.

Really? My parents would think I had nothing better to do if I was calling to "check in" every other day 😂

I’m guessing you already know you are right about him and you’re here for moral support more than anything else. I have friends with siblings like this and I see what it does to them so you have my sympathy xx

No, she's trapped by her own choices.

Sure, that's up to them.

I agree. Apparently nobody should lift a finger for their elderly parents, even if they've helped pay for the house your living in or enabled you to work with free childcare. You get old or ill then that's your problem.

Visits once a year and lives an hour away… that is shocking! You are not being unreasonable.

Quite. Should people not do anything if their adult child had an accident and needed some help for a while? What about if their sibling or best friend needed some support? I take it those who don't agree with doing much for their elderly parents would also never do anything for anyone else they know either? There's no difference. It borders on ageism.

I guess I’m talking about those who have parents of a much more advanced age, the sort of age where they’re on that cusp where they’re more likely to have falls and you know there’s no one else around to check on them.

Definitely seems to be a thing with male adult children!
Last week I had to phone DWP for my mum (me and my brother have an LPA in place) the very,very nice lady said "if your brother is anything like mine it will be you we're talking to going forward as your brother will be too busy!"

It was said in a light hearted way but I thought at the time ......never a truer word spoken in jest🙁