To think no one is that busy

[Monknk]

My brother visits our parents once a year, around Christmas. Aside from this it's a weekly phone call once a week, mainly to stop our mother from bothering him.
When he visits,
he comes out with the usual, "I wish I could visit more but I'm just too busy."
This week my mother fell and hurt herself at home. She is fairly shaken up and more of the caring burden has fallen on our DF and, to a lesser extent, me.

I feel increasingly resentful of him and my mother because in her eyes, he can do no wrong. He lives an hour away by car and has 1 toddler.

AIBU to think he could make an effort but just cannot be arsed.

I have much the same issue. DM is in her 80s. DB lives 2 hours drive away and never visits. He didn't visit once in 2024 and has only visited once this year because DM was ill and needed care for a week (DB and I did half each. DB has one late teens DC and a DW. He phones DM most days.

I have a chronic illness which makes me very fatigued. In fact it counts as a disability and the DWP has assessed me as too ill to work. Looking after DM for those few days, even though she wasn't very demanding, absolutely finished me off. In fact just visiting her for a few days is pretty knackering. I visit DM more than I want to make up for DB. I also take DM on foreign holidays.

I am getting increasingly resentful and want to request to DB that he visits DM now and again.

He just cba and knows he doesn't have to because you will pick up the slack.

He told her he loves her five times because of the guilt. He does feel guilty but not enough to change his behaviour. Out of sight out of mind. When he hangs up, the guilt disappears until the next time he hears her voice. In the meantime, he enjoys his own life without thinking about either of you.

I've said it on another thread. It wouldn't matter if there were 10 siblings. It always falls on one of you.

I have four siblings and I'm still the one who does everything and it annoys me so much because if we shared equally between the five of us, we'd all have to take very little time out.

It always "yeah, I know I should, I'll do better... but not this weekend because I'm busy getting pissed and not next weekend because it's the dogs birthday and not in six months time because fuck it, I know you'll do it"

It sucks and all I can say is I'm sorry you ended up the one doing it all.

This is his second marriage, the breakup from
his first marriage sent him into a deep depression, and our mother has been worried about him ever since.

Don't your parents see their grandchild at all @Monknk?
That sounds awful for them.
I wonder if your DMum makes excuses for your DB and is fully aware of the way things are .

Just read that he has flexibility and wfh. If he was eg a nurse or in retail with kids so kids during the week work at weekend I’d say maybe there’s a chance but that’s terrible if your mum had a fall and he didn’t get over

I’m not understanding why you are resentful of your brother and not your mother. She’s the one choosing to put him on the pedestal. She’s made him the golden child.

They rarely get to see him.

OP isn't saying she does loads; she said DF is shouldering most of the caring.

@Monknk He may indeed be very busy. But an elderly mother should be very high on the priority list, so he should not be prioritising other things over mum.

This

You could do the same.

You'd probably get more recognition from your mum too.

She's not trapped.

There is nothing stopping from her from doing the same- apart from her values.

He isn't busy, he just doesn't want to. He lives an hour away, I commute that daily! He just doesn't care.

Hire carers in

Look at a care home

Step back and say "I can only do this, this and this. But you can always call me in an emergency"

It sounds harsh but you can't always give your life up to constantly support someone else

Yeah it sounds like he can't be arsed!
We only get one mother and one father! He will be sorry one day!

This is when you need to cut back and say "I can't stay for days at a time because it's not healthy for me"

Don't take her on forgein holidays, take her away for a few days in this country

He doesn't have to indulge that worry, though.

Honestly, it just sounds like you resent him for having boundaries.

Absolutely this and I agree. The problem: getting parents to admit they need help and pay for it.

They'll never admit they need help so long as their adult children keep sacrificing their own lives, though. OP needs to start saying no.

People use ‘I’m busy’ as an excuse. It’s so obvious that what they’re too busy to do means it’s not a priority for them.

Then she is trapped by her values isn't she!

The more you do the less you will be thought of....less is more as they say...give him a call and tell him he needs to step up...my sibling lives 2 hours away , hardly visits, weekly call and you guessed it..can do no wrong. Nothing you do will ever be seen as enough. Best of luck.

It's up him how often he visits but your mum is the one who had put him on a pedestal and thinks the sun shines out of his backside while he does nothing to help her and you are providing all the support.

Have you ever raised this with her?

Also sending solidarity - my brother never visits, didn't bother when both DM and DF were in hospital (separate hospitals),I work full-time, he does not, and in my case he doesn't even phone. He is still the golden child though and they would give him their last penny while taking money from me! I have poor boundaries.

i don't live in the same country as my sibling and i see my mum way way way more than they do. I speak to her weekly, and usually visit for a week at least 4 times a year (i use all my annual leave to do this)

Mum will say things on the phone like "oh my grass needs cutting, i'll get sibling to come up and do it" but we both know that the next time it gets cut either she'll have somehow managed it or i will be over and do it. She excuses sibling with "well, they have their mother-in-law there to look after" and i just want to scream. Sibling lives about an hour by car - a car that i suggested my mum give them when she was no longer able to drive it. For me it was a way of getting the car off her without making her feel bad. Does sibling visit more? No.

So i now just view it as though there is mum, her own siblings (who are... useless although one did drive over immediately when i couldn't reach her by phone) and me. And that is it. I have taken sibling out of the equation in my mind, and i do what i can from where i am. And that is it. It makes me really bloody angry but it is what it is.

Many people are extremely busy but it’s about priorities.

If he wanted to he would find the time but he isn’t bothered