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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just settle in these circumstances?

101 replies

Rosyhh · 28/06/2025 23:21

I’m 38. I’ve dated a lot. Since my early twenties I had loads of dates, met some great men, had a few relationships. I think I was quite picky and let some good men go.

Anyway… mid 30s I was pregnant in a relatively new relationship of a year. I was really into this man and he ticked a lot of boxes on paper. However it has since turned out over the last 3 years that actually whilst we are similar in many ways, in others we are quite different. He doesn’t set my soul alight and he’s not the love of my life.

But.. here I am with a three year old, too exhausted to date, with a dating history that never ended in anything significant anyway, wanting a bit of an easy life…and this man is suggesting we think about marriage and buying a home together. He’s very successful (though so am I!), has huge financial security, is responsible, can be caring in lots of ways, we enjoy watching similar tv and cooking, he is attractive. But … just not the love of my life.

would you go for it? I do honestly think the alternative is I will meander through life and date but never find anything real, like the last 20 years. As for this man, he’s so career focused that I think he’s just happy he has a child and someone to build a life with so I’m not convinced he’s bothered about a love of his life scenario (I suspect I’m not his either)

OP posts:
tilly1987 · 28/06/2025 23:23

i am the same age as you - id go for it

ForZanyAquaViewer · 28/06/2025 23:23

You know that you don’t have to find a man, right? This isn’t SATC, finding a partner isn’t the reason for your existence. Nobody needs to settle and if you don’t find someone who you actually want to be with, that’s okay.

Original poster
Rosyhh · 28/06/2025 23:24

ForZanyAquaViewer · 28/06/2025 23:23

You know that you don’t have to find a man, right? This isn’t SATC, finding a partner isn’t the reason for your existence. Nobody needs to settle and if you don’t find someone who you actually want to be with, that’s okay.

@ForZanyAquaViewer yes and I am very independent. But recently I’ve thought it would be nice to have more security.

OP posts:
ForZanyAquaViewer · 28/06/2025 23:32

Rosyhh · 28/06/2025 23:24

@ForZanyAquaViewer yes and I am very independent. But recently I’ve thought it would be nice to have more security.

Show quote history

I don’t think that’s a particularly sensible sole reason to marry someone. It’s a good reason, if it’s one of a host of others, but as a standalone it’s a bit rubbish.

Nothankyov · 28/06/2025 23:35

No - I wouldn’t go for it. Marriage (or long term relationships) has ups and downs. If it’s not the love of your life I wouldn’t bother to be frank. I would be single and co parent.

Original poster
Rosyhh · 28/06/2025 23:37

Nothankyov · 28/06/2025 23:35

No - I wouldn’t go for it. Marriage (or long term relationships) has ups and downs. If it’s not the love of your life I wouldn’t bother to be frank. I would be single and co parent.

@Nothankyov @ForZanyAquaViewer nobody to share the cooking or food with, the bills, the long days … seems a bit rubbish even though I do like my own company. I can always go out etc if I want space but still have that home comfort

OP posts:
Nothankyov · 28/06/2025 23:43

@Rosyhh ok. I have given you my opinion. I wouldn’t. You have to do what is right for you. But let me ask you this. Are you the love of his life? Is he aware that he isn’t yours? If he marries you with his eyes wide open (I.e he knows how you truly feel) then by all means do so. Otherwise you are deceiving him and his wrong.

mikado1 · 28/06/2025 23:51

I think if you were married and content, I would probably say if you want to stay, absolutely stay. But you're not married and you've realised he's not the love of your life.. I know you have a child so there is a commitment but as you're financially secure already and still officially single, I think go.

However if your reaction to this is no, that's not what I wanted to hear, then you probably do want to stay so go for it!

ForZanyAquaViewer · 28/06/2025 23:55

Rosyhh · 28/06/2025 23:37

@Nothankyov @ForZanyAquaViewer nobody to share the cooking or food with, the bills, the long days … seems a bit rubbish even though I do like my own company. I can always go out etc if I want space but still have that home comfort

Show quote history

Marry him, then. You do you. I hope things work out. 🤷🏽‍♀️

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 28/06/2025 23:58

I don’t think you should.

I settled and it went horribly wrong. Two lovely wonderful children I could never regret but I’m sure part of the toxicity of the marriage was caused by the fact I didn’t really have those feelings for him.

I mean he did turn out to be a shit in other ways, but it doesn’t help if the love isn’t there to begin with - what do you fall back on when things get tough?

Gowlett · 28/06/2025 23:58

I turned down a couple of really good men before I met DH.
They were both crazy about me. I just didn’t feel the same.
I also went out out with plenty of bad boys, which was fun…
DH, we clicked straight away. But he’s difficult. And abusive.
Divorce is looming. We have a beautiful child. It’s not easy!
Looking back… It’s hard to call it. I just want to be me now.

RogueFemale · 28/06/2025 23:59

@Rosyhh is sex/intimacy good with him?

VirginaGirl · 29/06/2025 00:01

He sounds great, you sound happy together. I’m not sure the love of your life necessarily has to set your soul on fire.

tilly1987 · 29/06/2025 06:55

Marriage is essentially a business decision anyway (people will tell you otherwise) - if he is decent, a good friend and matches you career wise and financially i would go for it

AhBiscuits · 29/06/2025 07:01

The sex will likely become a problem. You're not really into him, and whilst it's fine now, give it a few years and him pawing at you will become intolerable.

NaranjaDreams · 29/06/2025 07:07

I wouldn’t. I have a three year old too. I think it’d be a lot harder and a lot more lonely if I didn’t love the bones of my husband. I think that also helps as the child grows - to get that time back together.

Getting married to have someone to share cooking and bills with just doesn’t seem worth it. It’s not the impression of a relationship I’d want to give my child as they grew, either - I’d want them to wait for someone who filled their life with love, not settle for a business transaction, and it’d be almost impossible to model that consistently for the next 15 years even if you start off well.

Plus the obvious issues about if one of you does meet the love of their lives; or at least someone who makes them feel a bit more interested and excited…

Jigaliga · 29/06/2025 07:09

A lot of people do do this.

A lot of people then end up divorcing in their 40s or waiting till the kids have left home and divorcing in their 50s.

It depends whether you want life to be harder now or later down the line.

ZenNudist · 29/06/2025 07:10

I don't think it's helpful to frame this as settling. Do you enjoy his company? How is the sex?

Personally I'd go for it. Stability for your child is very important providing he is decent.

I don't think love of your life sets soul on fire but you do have to get on.

CheshireDing · 29/06/2025 07:12

Why bother marrying? Just co parent and live in the same house or don't.

I wouldn't marry in your situation, what is the gain over your current set up ?

LoveWine123 · 29/06/2025 07:17

I think a man doesn’t need to be the love of your life for you to build a great life with…I would instead look for how compatible you are in other big areas - finances, child rearing, general life choices. But more importantly are you enjoying being/living with him? Are you content? Do you feel safe and cared for? A good marriage needs a bit more than JUST love so if the other things are there (respect, enjoying your time together, compatibility in various important areas, laughing together, taking care of each other, being equal partners, etc.) then I would definitely consider building a life with him. You may one day find the love and passion you are looking for but you may not be suited in other ways. At the end of the day, you already have a child and are giving it a go.

InterestedDad37 · 29/06/2025 07:24

Don't settle for anything less than someone who sets your heart ablaze, inspires you, blows your mind, and etc 😀

RhiWrites · 29/06/2025 07:24

I think you need to have an open discussion with him. It’s only okay to “settle” if he’s also settling for you. If he’d like more you should set him free to find it.

DillyDallyingAllDay · 29/06/2025 07:25

I actually think you’d be great being married. For some people ‘love of your life’ isn’t a concept that exists. I think your values, shared vision for life etc are far more important to making a marriage to work. And having someone you can talk to, have a laugh with, someone your friends with is far more tangible than ‘love of your life’- this description is actually so vague and is the reason why so many people’s relationships with the love of your life doesn’t actually work. Mutual respect, caring, being on the same page about the big things is far more important. If he’s a decent guy, and you agree about the big things, he doesn’t have any of your ‘dealbreaker’ qualities, and you like his company; that’s what you need in a partner. The intimate side of stuff needs to work too; you need to not dislike his appearance etc. I think big conversations need to be had!

moose62 · 29/06/2025 07:25

Perhaps don't marry yet. Keep your independence in that regard but try living together to see how you actually get on in a day to day situation.
I'm not saying you should settle but often the 'love of my life' doesn't work out either!

Emotionalsupporthamster · 29/06/2025 07:27

Anyway… mid 30s I was pregnant in a relatively new relationship of a year. I was really into this man and he ticked a lot of boxes on paper. However it has since turned out over the last 3 years that actually whilst we are similar in many ways, in others we are quite different.

In what ways have you found yourselves to be problematically different. TBH I think it would be pretty hard to be head over heels in love with anyone during the baby and toddler phase. I might be wrong but it sounds to me like you may have an overly idealistic vision of what the ‘love of your life’ would be like, which has caused you to self sabotage in the past.