To just settle in these circumstances?

[Rosyhh]

I’m 38. I’ve dated a lot. Since my early twenties I had loads of dates, met some great men, had a few relationships. I think I was quite picky and let some good men go.

Anyway… mid 30s I was pregnant in a relatively new relationship of a year. I was really into this man and he ticked a lot of boxes on paper. However it has since turned out over the last 3 years that actually whilst we are similar in many ways, in others we are quite different. He doesn’t set my soul alight and he’s not the love of my life.

But.. here I am with a three year old, too exhausted to date, with a dating history that never ended in anything significant anyway, wanting a bit of an easy life…and this man is suggesting we think about marriage and buying a home together. He’s very successful (though so am I!), has huge financial security, is responsible, can be caring in lots of ways, we enjoy watching similar tv and cooking, he is attractive. But … just not the love of my life.

would you go for it? I do honestly think the alternative is I will meander through life and date but never find anything real, like the last 20 years. As for this man, he’s so career focused that I think he’s just happy he has a child and someone to build a life with so I’m not convinced he’s bothered about a love of his life scenario (I suspect I’m not his either)

If you were single and childless I'd say keep looking.

But since you already have a child together I wouldn't break up with a decent man just because he doesn't set your world alight. At 38 you should be putting your child first, not searching for a soulmate who might not exist.

And even if there was anything particularly wrong with this man which would justify breaking up with him, you should really stay single and prioritise your child rather than looking for another man to bring into her life.

In your position I'd stick with him and think about whether you want another child or not. Because if you do, you haven't got long to decide, and you shouldn't have one with someone else.

Most people settle! They just won't tell you...

It isn't just about you, you have a child with this man. The horse has already bolted. You may divorce at some point if you feel like this now but much is about the security of the child.

I’d take a big pause on this. You are in no rush.
I’d go to therapy and work out if this was part of the pattern that seemed to always play out before and what this ‘love of my life’ idea really is about, where it came from and what it means for you.
you don’t say what the differences are between you. It’s not for me to say but you have to work out of these are just natural differences that will always emerge in a relationship and just ones you find hard against your imagining of a ideal partner or real differences that will make a long term relationship hard.
the first few years of raising s child can be very hard in terms of romantic-ness with a partner. Your child is 3 and things should be easing. So maybe there is time to see what happens on that front once the relationship gets a bit more attention.

He doesn’t set my soul alight

What does this mean? It sounds like how I'd have described relationships in my late teens and early 20s.

and he’s not the love of my life.

Who is?

So what actually is "the love of your life"?

What is it you're looking for?

I'm married to a friend and it's actually really good. No he isn't the love of my life, but yes we get on well, both independent and then do stuff together, 3 kids. It works. We're happy.

I was really into this man and he ticked a lot of boxes on paper. However it has since turned out over the last 3 years that actually whilst we are similar in many ways, in others we are quite different. He doesn’t set my soul alight
Life with a 3 year old plus work can be tiring and difficult in any relationship. Real life isn't all long summer evening dates and an exciting new hobby. It sounds like you have quite a lot going for this relationship; financial security, a child, you had fancied him. So what exactly are the things that are "quite different", and how does that affect your lives? Are you still sexually compatible, and no sign of affairs? Could you find a rhythm where you each get time for your own interests as well as time doing the things you enjoy together?

I do know of someone who ditched a lovely man for poor reasons. She regretted it, but he'd already settled down. At the same time, divorce rates are high and I know several people who seem to live in very unhappy relationships. Nobody can accurately predict your future, even you. As long as marriage won't financially disadvantage you, it is a bit more expensive to split, but if both of you are slightly reasonable it's only children that are the tricky bit in separation.

Love comes in many different shapes and forms. Why do you feelnthis man is not the love of your life? Is it because there is no excitement no bitterflies?

I think many get lost in this idea of a soul mate of this overpowering lust and intensity.

That when we meet someone where the love is slow steady and not intense we can dismiss this person as not "the one" not because they are not a good person. Not nexause we are uncompatible but because of this idea we somehow should have fire and excitement

Sometimes love is showing up and being there and careing about you in small every day ways.

What does ‘the love of your life’ look like?

You say he’s focused on his career, do you really think he will do his share of cooking and childcare? I don’t think he will. It sounds like you can afford the bills easily, you don’t need him. And you on’t even want him.

Honestly, this kind of attitude makes me despair. Shackling yourself to someone for life just because you don’t want to freeze a couple of extra portions of lasagne?

And you’re trying to suggest being single is “a bit rubbish”…

You sound slightly naive. Surely one major attribute of the elusive love of your life is that love & nurture your child, and makes them happy? And who better for that than the child’s actual father?

No, I would not marry under these circumstances. I nearly did and I'm glad I didn't as when I met now DH, I would have had to get a divorce to be with him.

Married 24 years and we could not love each other more.

Personally? No. And I've been in the same situation and didn't. I don't regret it. On the one hand, there's more to life than the teenage feeling of 'being in love' (which often doesn't last anyway). But I just couldn't walk down the aisle with someone that was a great Dad, ticked a lot of the practical boxes, but just wasn't 'the one'. I'm still holding out hope that one day I'll find that person and I'll have saved marriage for that. Your clock isn't ticking now you've had a child. I guess it depends how much value you place on external sources of security. It's not something I crave but I know many do. My only advice would be to choose - consciously. Don't sleep walk into it (which I guess you aren't because you're asking for advice and giving it proper thought now :) ). All the best OP!

I'd stay with him but not get married. Seems unfair on you both to increase the commitment when your heart's not in it. Equally it's a pretty good situation for you.

So yeah, stay put with things as they are and not do the marriage.

Some people are never satisifed in relationships. And it is unfair to carry on misleading this poor guy.

its called ‘settling’ for a reason - because most people do (male and female), they just dont admit it

You have a child together and he's a good man. Yes, I would get married in these circumstances.

The older I’ve got the more I think there’s something in arranged (not forced) marriages to be honest.

I met DH when I was 39. I definitely settled. He didn’t set my heart ablaze and at first I was at best ambivalent about him.

Six years later with two children, a home and a marriage I can honestly say that love grows. It may or may not spark from an initial attraction but just because that initial attraction may not be there doesn’t mean love can’t grow.

In your shoes there’s no way I’d be leaving this relationship but ultimately it’s your life and only you can make that call.

I'm confused- are you actually in a relationship at the moment, or just co-parenting? Do you live together? Living together (if you don't already) would make both your lives easier and would be better for your child. Buying a house together may be a sensible financial decision.

But I don't think you should get married if you don't really love him. In 15 years, your child will be an adult, and you may well want to date and find "the love of your life" then.

So I'm pretty old now and have been round the block as far as life is concerned. Many years ago I'd have advised you to hold out for a hero, but I've learned some lessons along the way. Personally I'd either marry this man or make a go of it on my own. You have a daughter now, so trying to find "the love of your life" (or quite frankly any half decent bloke) will be much harder and you have to consider whether this dream Romeo you long for will be a good role model for your child. It's not just about you anymore. Unlike a few other posters I perfectly understand the desire to be in a stable relationship, to have someone to share your days, your thoughts and your nights with. Life is harder and lonlier on your own, even with a good salary. You could be chasing an elusive dream forever. The first spark of passion eventually settles into warm friendship in most marriages anyway.

I would marry him

Let him go to have the chance of finding real love himself. Unless you are both upfront how you feel and do this with open eyes.

Living together would make both your lives easier

I'd seriously question this. 99% of the strain of domestic life comes from cohabiting IMHO.

Honestly? I I would seriously consider it. But I'm very unromantic and don't think passionate love is the only basis fair a relationship, or even the best one.