To just settle in these circumstances?

[Rosyhh]

I’m 38. I’ve dated a lot. Since my early twenties I had loads of dates, met some great men, had a few relationships. I think I was quite picky and let some good men go.

Anyway… mid 30s I was pregnant in a relatively new relationship of a year. I was really into this man and he ticked a lot of boxes on paper. However it has since turned out over the last 3 years that actually whilst we are similar in many ways, in others we are quite different. He doesn’t set my soul alight and he’s not the love of my life.

But.. here I am with a three year old, too exhausted to date, with a dating history that never ended in anything significant anyway, wanting a bit of an easy life…and this man is suggesting we think about marriage and buying a home together. He’s very successful (though so am I!), has huge financial security, is responsible, can be caring in lots of ways, we enjoy watching similar tv and cooking, he is attractive. But … just not the love of my life.

would you go for it? I do honestly think the alternative is I will meander through life and date but never find anything real, like the last 20 years. As for this man, he’s so career focused that I think he’s just happy he has a child and someone to build a life with so I’m not convinced he’s bothered about a love of his life scenario (I suspect I’m not his either)

Unpopular opinion here: What is best for your daughter?

Relationships change over time and they’re not always passionate, earth shattering love. Sometimes they’re mundane and practical, sometimes they’re hard and then they change again.

What doesn’t change is a child’s need to feel loved and secure.

If you’re desperately unhappy or the relationship is in any way abusive then that’s a very different situation.

Edited now that I’ve read the thread: looks like it’s not that unpopular an opinion!

I think we need more specifics to be able to advise you. Do you have plenty to talk about and consider him a friend? Is the sex good? Is he a good father? Do you share similar values? Are you living together already and have survived baby and toddler years without resentment? Do you find yourself internally rolling your eyes when he speaks?

Sometimes you don't know who the love of your life was until you're at the end of your life. All the 'sets my heart alight' stuff is not necessarily love and doesn't mean the relationship will last.

Would it be worth buying the house 50-50 but leaving the marriage for a little longer?

I wouldn’t. I think for love to lead to a happy marriage it needs to be deep. Not necessarily wild rushing torrents or waves crashing against rocks, but something deep, calm and quiet like a lake.

Why can’t you just cohabit abd coparent then?

I absolutely would. But you need to change your mentality from the ‘love of your life’ fairytale as it just isn’t realistic for most people. Focus on all the positives. You have a really good guy there with a great life ahead. Find the love rather than thinking what else there could be.

DH was the instantaneous love of my life. 34 years on, he still is.

Now pragmatically is that because he was "the one" which he seemed to be and I think he is, or because he's:

Successful
Loyal
Moral
Intelligent
Well suited vis a vis faith, politics and spending
Due to the success above, wealthy

He's also a:
Workaholic
Perfectionist
Wholly impractical
Sub contracted all home and childcare related issues to me

There were times when he was out of the UK more than it for a few years.

The benefits outweighed the disadvantages and continue to do so. The beautiful houses, best schools for the DC, nice lifestyle helped.

It is better to be poor and happy than rich and miserable. However, rich and miserable beats poor and miserable, every single time.

I’d don’t think these are terrible reasons to want a partner. Doing stuff on your own all the time is hard. But I’d say don’t get married, live together and keep finances separate apart from household costs. Then if ‘settling’ is no longer enough you can separate with less practical difficulty.

Maybe you should consider who you'd look eligible to. Do you think a lot of men would want to commit to someone with a young child and no doubt the complex situation if you and your sons dad aren't together at all?

I’m assuming he is aware of your feelings, as he can’t marry you if he is left thinking he is the love of your life.

If it was me I'd sit down first and talk about expectations.

You'd need to find out whether he'd be expecting you to do all the domestic stuff, for example.

I'm not sure I'd want a man in the house if the price to pay would be becoming the housemaid.

In your situation i dont think I'd marry him. I might suggest a trial of living together to see how it worked out.

You can be more lonely in a relationship with the wrong person than if you're single.

Do you live together at the moment? If not, I would try that first and see how it goes before rushing into marriage and buying a house.

I don't really get the love of your life thing. You never know who else is out there, so how do you ever know someone is 'the one'? Deciding to be in a long term relationship with someone means compromising/settling on at least some aspects of life. I think for a lot of people that lust and excitement does fade over time, so a lot of being content in a relationship largely boils down to how well you get on with each other day to day, rather than having a strong passion for each other.

I mean your talking about settling
how would you feel if you overhear him saying to a mate “well she’s ok. I don’t fancy her but when we have sex at night so I don’t have to look at her and she isn’t what Im really looking for physically in a woman she’s not really what I want she doesn’t make me feel ..

but shes a good mother to my child and keeps a nice house and has a good career & we both like watching the same tv programmes so she be ok so I will settle for her as I want to get married and no one else is around

if your happy that he might think that about you then settle cos that’s probably what you think about him

but in a few years you will get the ick and every little thing he does will annoy the fuck out of you

Settling might be better for your dc. Another man is not likely to love them as much as their df does.
Realistically if you were to meet a man who you connected with; he’s likely to have a dc or two of his own and reading some threads on here about dsc is often sad.
You might never meet a man who you would consider ditching current partner for.
Few marriages maintain the thrill of the early days and most just plod along but with a shared child and values it’s not settling, it’s life.

What good would that do?

I have seen this sort of thing on MN before and honestly find it baffling.

Relationships, especially long ones lasting (the rest of) a lifetime which marriage is set up to be are complex and feelings ebb and flow in that time. For me I met DH and was nonplussed, then I gradually grew to like him and care about him and then love him. But it was a slow process. And it depends on your own personality too: I’m not prone to falling blindly in love with anyone!

The only thing to be gained by telling somebody ‘I don’t love you’ is hurt. Besides it isn’t even accurate. Love grows, it doesn’t happen like a switch and then on forever.

Quoting myself as can’t seem to edit.

I misread, I thought the child’s father was a previous partner. Given that he is the father, I’d say OP just put your child first and allow them the chance to grow up in a home with both parents. If your only concern is that this is ‘settling’ rather than him being unkind or abusive or a bad father, that’s not enough reason to break up a child’s home.

Only you can say wether you will.be happy.
But to me it sounds as though you are searching for something that might not exist.
I am not at all convinced that there is such a thing as a love of someone's life.
What there is is being comfortable with someone, security, and a sense of this being right. I think it's possible to have this with more than one person
Sadly life is not like romantic films.

Well starting a marriage on a lie isn’t particularly healthy, how can he make a commitment if he isn’t aware he is being lied to? Some people may be happy to decieve others, but I imagine most aren’t.

I am.married to honestly my soul mate and love of my life. It's fucking hard. Don't settle.

Is your marriage hard, or is life hard? I love my husband dearly, I don't think marriage gets better than this. Life is sometimes hard, but being married to him really isn't. It's not perfect, of course, we are both flawed humans, but life would be way harder without him in it.

While you are yearning for the love of your life (probably thinking about the one(s) that got away), the father of your child (who ticks a lot of your boxes) is proposing a stable and secure life for this new little human you have created together.

I dunno, perhaps you should be looking inward to what you have, rather than outward to some nebulous concept of The One (and you may have to kiss many more frogs before you find them, all the while hoping they will love your child as much as they love you).

I agree starting a marriage on a lie if it’s something like finances, or by the way I have a criminal record or similar.

Feelings are different. Not sharing every feeling isn’t a lie because they change so frequently and shift and adjust to render it pointless. I can’t imagine hurting my husband by informing him he wasn’t the love of my life when we met - even though he knows! To tell him would be both cruel and quite exceptionally immature.

I always find terms like ‘love of my life’ and ‘setting my soul on fire’ etc a bit vague - what specifically are you missing with your current partner? Do you like hanging out with him? Does he make you laugh? Is he kind? Does he care about putting work if your relationship if issues come up? Those are my main values for my a relationship - what are yours?

I think you need to do some work on yourself before you make any decision. You sound like you haven't had a good relationship example. Wanting "the love of your life" smacks of fairy tales and magazine articles.

Also wait until your child is five. Life gets easier then for most parents. It's amazing how much processing power comes back.

Do not marry anyone unless you are prepared to be a family unit, put that first and treat them with love and care and courtesy and respect.

I agree wholeheartedly with this

I’m British/ European but don’t subscribe to western “romance love”
the “love of your life” is shitty 90s / 00s movie propaganda

an enduring marriage is built on more than this and 1 person cannot be someone’s “everything” it’s not possible on a long term basis

If you wouldn’t want someone to be with you just for security, don’t do it to them.

id rather be alone than with someone for ulterior motives.

Your life partner should be your best friend, Someone you don’t want to live without. Not someone who you don’t mind sticking with because they have a bit of cash.