To just settle in these circumstances?

[Rosyhh]

I’m 38. I’ve dated a lot. Since my early twenties I had loads of dates, met some great men, had a few relationships. I think I was quite picky and let some good men go.

Anyway… mid 30s I was pregnant in a relatively new relationship of a year. I was really into this man and he ticked a lot of boxes on paper. However it has since turned out over the last 3 years that actually whilst we are similar in many ways, in others we are quite different. He doesn’t set my soul alight and he’s not the love of my life.

But.. here I am with a three year old, too exhausted to date, with a dating history that never ended in anything significant anyway, wanting a bit of an easy life…and this man is suggesting we think about marriage and buying a home together. He’s very successful (though so am I!), has huge financial security, is responsible, can be caring in lots of ways, we enjoy watching similar tv and cooking, he is attractive. But … just not the love of my life.

would you go for it? I do honestly think the alternative is I will meander through life and date but never find anything real, like the last 20 years. As for this man, he’s so career focused that I think he’s just happy he has a child and someone to build a life with so I’m not convinced he’s bothered about a love of his life scenario (I suspect I’m not his either)

Or maybe he is the love of your life, you just don't know it yet 😁

I think you should tell him all of this and how you truly feel before you go any further? You could end up really hurting him.

I’d probably go for it. But the I value companionship, shared interests, kindness and support more than I do insane lust and (usually temporarily) besottedness.

The question I would ask is will this make your life better? Will it make you happier? In some ways settling the domestic situation and having a secure base to bring up your children frees you to pursue other things in life that bring you joy. Friends, hobbies, career ect. Just don’t ever give him your independence or freedom.

I spent a decade with the love of my life. Every minute spent with him was a joy. We had a creative, fun relationship. He made me feel so loved and supported, safe.
Unfortunately our visions for what we wanted from life were polar opposite. As in, imagine one of us wanted to live in a campervan travelling the world, and the other wanted to live in a cottage by the sea. Or one wanted loads of kids, the other wanted none.

I think i would have been better off with a man who maybe wasn't so much of a soul fit on a pure chemistry and vibe level, but one who wanted the same things and life as me.

You are never going to find Mr Perfect, because no one is perfect, everyone has flaws! Therefore, of course there will be differences in your characters. You need to look at the basics of the relationship: do you agree on finances, parenting, outlook on life/values, do you laugh together, do you enjoy his company, is the sex good? What are the differences between you? If it's simply he loves hiking and you hate it, that's not an issue, unless he's spending every spare minute climbing mountains! If it's something like, he won't pull his weight around the home and you're doing 90% or more, then yes, that's a difference that will cause issues. No one here can tell you what to do, because we don't know you or your partner. So you need to think about what's good and how significant the differences are. The man wants to marry you and buy a home with you, that suggests to me, that on some level he loves you. Men generally don't suggest marriage if they really don't want to marry their partner. Don't end a decent relationship, to chase your idea of Mr Perfect...you'll have a bloody long wait in life!

Tell him you want to hold off getting married and buying a home together etc.

Give yourself another 6 months and then see how you feel.

I would never settle for less and I think being happy is the most important thing in your life.
But it may just be a case that you think the grass is greener, which it never is.

You will also be a single parent and everything associated with it and these are things you need to consider.

You do seem to put a lot of focus on finding a man to bring you happiness.
I think it’s worth finding happiness as an individual and then a good man is just a bonus on top.

We do seem to have lost sight of 50% of this equation.

This action would hurt him. I don't know why you think random nastiness to the father of her child would be helpful? Breaking up is the only time someone should tell a partner that they don't love them, those words can't be taken back and may make him walk away - when the OP does not know if that is what she wants.

OP doesn't really seem to know exactly how she feels. She would be better off working put what she does and doesn't want from this relationship and her life. Until we know exactly what she thinks is or isn't missing, it isn't possible to advise.

I think you could consider marriage. Especially for the future of your child. It’s really about your DS now.

I agree with this...if you are pretending that you adore him and he is completely the love of your life, then that is cruel

If you would be happy to show him your original post and see how he feels about the situation, then go for it.

I dunno. I get why you'd settle, I really do, but I happened to meet the guy that sets my soul alight and after 4 years still feel like we are in the honeymoon stage. Cringe description sure, but I am completely obsessed with him. He is my best friend, is sexy as fuck to me, is a wonderful husband and an even more amazing father. I feel like I've completely lucked out. I can't imagine not having that anymore.
That being said, I could just have easily not met him and would have found the idea of someone decent to settle with very appealing. My dating life before hand was terrible and what you've described would have been perfect to me.
I'm aware my circumstances may change and our relationship may change but I feel so lucky that I got to experience this, for however long it lasts.

Others may differ but I think there’s a lot of bumph about ‘the one’. ( who can just easily become ‘not the one’ - soul mates can just as easily become arsehole ex partners etc - I would I’m afraid be quite mercenary in this situation and give your child some future security - if it goes wrong , then it does, it can just as easily go wrong with someone who is ‘the one’ - voice of experience at 63 has taught me that

This action would hurt him.

Not as much as marrying someone who is Luke warm about him at best.

That's why I think the best option is stay with him but unmarried. Everyone remains happy.

I’ve done this.
Things change so much once you have children, I dont live the life to meet someone who sets my soul alight. And I’m not willing or even if I was, how could I trawl through dating sites, going on dates, travelling to even meet men? It’s not possible with the real life responsibilities. We both have mutual respect, similar values and views, but the crazy love - no. There’s a lot to be said for being comfortable financially and in a stable relationship (ie not abusive in anyway). Yes it may seem mundane, but we’re too focused on our child’s happiness rather than our own.

Do you care for each other? Is there affection? If so id go for it.

Oh FGS. The love of your life? What does that even mean?!

What's the core recommendation here? OP to rip up her 3yo's family and start dating random men just in case one of them is sexier than his dad? Even though she may never find such a man. Even though she has a comfortable family life right now that may just need a little more fun time together to rekindle their earlier spark that dimmed when they got tired with a 3yo? Really?

I feel you have unrealistic expectations about the fun and heat a 40 year old mum of a toddler can experience in any relationship

No I wouldn't marry this man or settle with him.

You have your own career and financial security, you don't need him. You've got the best of all possible worlds. You will eventually just start to resent one another if you try to tough it out just because of the enhanced security. You'd be so much happier without him

Set up on your own and coparent with him.

What is " the love of your life"? I think that's an artificial construct, I think for anyone there's a lot. of different people you could be happy with. No one is perfect in every way, but responsible, attractive, thoughtful, caring, with some interests in common covers a lot of the basics.
You've already got the baby together, that's quite a commitment. It sounds like you are quite well matched.

You don’t need the security he can offer.
It seems to me you’re looking for someone to journey through life with and you’ve said he is happy he has someone to build a life with. Providing there isn’t a doubt about the sex, I’d go for it.

If it's 'home comfort' you're after, I'd go for some nice soft furnishings, not a man you feel you might 'settle' for. He's a human being, not a teddy bear.
Seems unfair to both of you.

I think settling is soul-killing - just my view, doesn't have to be yours. But I truly believe that it is and you can't look back and blame anyone else but yourself when you realise that you are fundamentally dissatisfied and feel that there is something better there out for you. Too late. Truly a 'you made your bed' situation. And not sure it's good to model a 'just good enough' relationship around children either, if you are feeling this way now and you're not even married I can see the resentment really start to seep in further down the road and children are sponges, they pick up on far more than we realise. Also very unfair to him if he is all-in committed and you're not. Set him free for someone else.

It sounds like you and he have enough reason to go on together for the sake of your child. If you were unhappy I would be less likely to recommend, but it doesn't sound like you are. If you think you can make a contented life together which will keep you happy then I would do so to give your child safety and stability.

Hi is your DC this man’s child? It was not clear in the OP.
do you fancy him even though he is not the love you your life?