I want to change my name back to my maiden name but remain married.

[unsurewhattodoaboutit]

As I’m approaching retirement I want to change my married name back to my maiden name. I feel the name doesn’t suit me. It’s exactly the same name ( first and surname) as my sis in law. Neither of whom I get on with. None of the other women that married the boys in that family changed their names from their maiden name. Plus as I get older I want to feel more connected to my brothers and that lineage. AIBU?

Do it.

It’s totally up to you. As a married woman I’m pretty sure legally you can use either. It gets messier if it’s in a setting where you have to prove your surname but women seem to work this out using some names at work and others with the DC school or whatever.

Do it. I kept my name. I had one document that was signed in my married name for which I had to show my marriage certificate as I had no id in that name which was a bit of a pita, so you may need to think about how best to navigate that.

Easy as pie. It’s your name, you can use it however you’d like.

A friend of mine is doing this, but she's having huge problems getting her bank to accept it! They want a change of name deed and won't accept anything else. So it isn't as simple as you may think.

Do it.

That being said, people and organisations are capable of incredible stupidity when it comes to women's names, and doing anything that isn't Mrs Husbandsname. Fair chance someone will decide you need to be put in your place. So I'd brace myself for more faff than it was when you changed it the first time.

You can use either - I use maiden name at work and still have it on various other things. You don’t need to do anything legally.

Completely up to you. Though do have a thoughtful conversation with your husband first so that he understands your reasons.

Is that a nicey way of saying "ask his permission"?!

It sounds like a great idea! I never changed my name, and even though my name doesn't capture all of the women in my family line, it also doesn't capture all of the men in my family line - it just feels like me and it never made sense to change it.

Do it.
Your name, your choice.

I didn't change my name when I got married.
I live in Spain where taking your husband's name is not a thing. The Spanish think the whole "maiden name" business is bizarre.
They're right 😂

Well yeah, kids still get their father’s name as standard though, I think?

Anyway - yes OP if you want to do it do it, it’s your life.

I dislike my married name but couldn’t be bothered changing it for the sake of it. Once you’re retired you hardly use it anyway. I still don’t think of myself by my married name even after 35 years.

No, the kids get both their father's and their mother's name in Spain.

Admittedly it's the mother's father's name that gets passed down, but the children have a surname from their mother and one from their father.

I think they get both, which is amusing if both coincidentally have the same surname, so, for example, with Ted Smith and Mary Smith as parents, baby Joe is Joe Smith Smith.

I thought Spain had changed the rules so parents can choose which name they pass down now and it no longer has to be the paternal name?

That hideous term 'maiden name' makes me cringe every time I hear it. It also irks me that women's titles require them to announce their sexual status in a way that men's don't.

In my experience the default form of address for mature women seems to be 'Mrs' - this is simply assumed - and is always corrected. Surely if someone doesn't know a woman's preferred title, 'Ms' is the default. It's simply polite. We continue to go backwards in these respects since the noughties, IMO.

Change your name by all means, OP, but be prepared for people to tell you how 'disrespectful' you are being to your husband. After 17 years of marriage I've heard several variations on this theme and I never changed my name in the first place. It still shouldn't put you off doing it, though: your personal preference of identity is your choice alone.

I reverted to my maiden name a few years ago. Raised a few eyebrows at the time but that’s their problem.

I got a free deed poll template off the internet, had it signed by 2 witnesses and have never looked back. Driving licence and council tax changed first which meant I could start sorting banks - I have a joint account with Dh in married name and solo account in maiden name so cheques from my dolally parent etc aren’t an issue 🤣

My passport is still in my married name but I’ll be renewing it soon as the passport office have advised having a note added that I’m known my both names (I can’t remember the exact wording they said to use 🫣)

My biggest problem is remembering which name is used when - so old accounts for online shopping etc might still be in married name but most place understand when I say it’s either X or Y because I use both names.

This is true.
The parents decide which in which order they want the surnames to be .

We'll my conversation went I'm keeping my name because it's my name. It doesn't need to be any deeper than that.

I tried changing my name to my DH's after marriage but after 6 months I sat him down and said I couldn't do it anymore. One major factor for me like you was that it looked like I was more closely related to my DH's siblings than I was to my own brothers. I really valued the name link to my brothers.

DH really wanted us to have a shared family name so asked if we could both hyphenate our names and that worked great for me. I still had my name and the link to my brothers but also a link to my husband.

Would that be something you would consider?

I regret changing my name when I got married, got divorced and changed it back to my birth name (maiden name sounds very old fashioned!). DD will be changing her last name to match me as soon as she can do it independently.

I did this a few years after I was married. Still married now! I just didn’t like the sound of my married name and felt like an imposter when I used it. I’m only annoyed I registered my children’s births as Mrs Marriedname though I think their birth certificates have my birth name on it anyway.

My parents wills and the powers of attorney we had for them used my married name. I've never used my married surname but used often to get from cheques from mother in law with married surname. She thought I just kept it as a professional name. So I'm quite familiar with having a marriage certificate copy to hand for ID

I can honestly say that it never seriously occurred to me not to. It wasn't discussed because it was the expectation, and it was certainly also my DH's automatic assumption that I would continue to use my name. When we married this was quite normal for women in my profession: none of my female colleagues who have married in the nearly 20 years I've worked in my job have ever changed their names.

Clearly, though, we are the anomaly. DH is actually proud of my independence and achievements as an individual. The only people who took gratuitious offence were those not remotely affected by what one woman chooses to call herself: particularly my MiL. Years ago, DH's sister got all snotty about my 'always having to be different' - different from them in taste and lifestyle is what this really meant, and to some people 'different' equals bad.

This is why women should live as they please, use the names they please, and sod the people who keep trying to stuff us back into our box.