I want to change my name back to my maiden name but remain married.

[unsurewhattodoaboutit]

As I’m approaching retirement I want to change my married name back to my maiden name. I feel the name doesn’t suit me. It’s exactly the same name ( first and surname) as my sis in law. Neither of whom I get on with. None of the other women that married the boys in that family changed their names from their maiden name. Plus as I get older I want to feel more connected to my brothers and that lineage. AIBU?

I think the expectation comes from older generations because I know females that took the males name, plenty of males that have taken the females name, quite a few that have double barrelled their names and it’s on the increase that females keep their maiden name and the male keeps his surname

It’s amazing how often men’s names are nicer/better/easier to spell than women’s. And how rarely the brothers of those women change theirs. How many of yours did, exactly?

Not just the older generation at all. My gran managed to wrap her head around me and DH both keeping our names perfectly well. The number of younger formed sand colleagues that have expressed surprise at it (and even asked if it’s legal for women to keep their names on marriage) is beyond depressing.

Me and my husband had the conversation about names to see who would take who’s but I already knew I wanted his name. 3 brothers all took their wives name and 1 sister took her husbands

Go for it! I didn’t change my name when I got married, and nor did the vast majority of my friends. Interestingly though, I know a couple of women who did change their names when they married but later felt it had been a mistake and so reverted to their maiden names - all while continuing to be happily married.

The admin might be a pain, but I think one’s name is an important part of one’s identity so I would put up with the annoying admin.

It’s not about permission. If my DH said he suddenly wanted to drop his surname which was the same as mine, I’d want to know why? It’s respect

Gosh. Your family name must have been horrendous! I don’t think that has ever happened with any other family in the UK!

Do it, I regret changing my name. I felt shamed into it by my husband and his family. First of all on Facebook of all things, as soon as his brothers got married, their wives changed their names on Facebook and I was asked why I wasn't doing it, was I ashamed of him or why would I not change it when the sister's in law were changing theirs. After that I changed it on my passport as I was questioned flying with my son and asked for his birth certificate to check I was his mother....
Then I became known at the kids' school by that surname, even though I don't feel like it represents me at all. I have recently gone back to a career I had years ago and all my qualifications are still in my maiden name. I am really enjoying being known by my birth name again. So I'm going by both names now and I pick and choose the circumstances where I use each name. The bank has details of both my names so it is fine.

But what makes your feelings at all relevant in this scenario? How does your spouse’s name affect you?

Yep if it feels right for you, do it!

I never ended up changing to my DH surname when I got married, although I use my family name professionally so I just kept mine, it’s not an issue

DH has occasionally joked about me not wanting his surname, the kids are definitely mine/were still a family even though we have different surnames

It's your name, do it. Obviously mention it as a courtesy to your nearest and dearest. I changed my name this year - hated my first name and had always gone by my first name, so moved my middle name up to my first name and chose a new middle one.

Consulted my parents, they were both on board with me using my middle name as my first name (they have never called me by my first name anyway!) and they both made suggestions as to my middle name which weren't from my list of middle names... so I just chose the one I wanted. It's my name!

Four months down the line they are getting more and more comfortable with my choice (the new middle one) and when I showed my dad an NHS letter I have with me being addressed as Dear Middle Name, not Dear First Name (under the old scheme of things) he actually said: "Well it should have always been this way shouldn't it, looking at it now we messed it up a bit!"

Yes Taddy dearest you did! I can't tell you how great it feels to be addressed by my 'proper' name - just waiting for my driving licence to come back now, all bank stuff is done... passport will be the last because it's just easier to wait for it to run out in three years.

Just your average family name nothing horrendous.

Her reasoning is she doesn’t like her name and doesn’t think it suits her…in this case, that is her reason.