Reception class allocation

[uniquemarta]

Hello - before I get lashed out with harsh answers please be kind 🙏

👋 my son is due to start reception in September. There are 5 children from his nursery going to same school in reception, but only he's been placed in a class on his own while all the other 4 are together, one of which is his really good friend. I made him aware that he's not going to be in a class with his friends and he's is so sad to the point of tears; he said he feels very sad and confused he doesn't want to be alone in a class without his friends. We're both sad and anxious now. As much as I try to reassure him that he will make new friends and he will be well and enjoy school, I cabt help but worry how this is going to affect hid emotional well-being through this transition. He is a social boy but sensitive and emotional, he gets easily attached to people and he needs that familiar face to settle easily in a place unless he doesnt have that option. I approached the school manager and she bluntly said that they can't dp anything letters are out and that is that he needs to stay where he is. The nursery manager approached me and questioned allocation as she felt it isn't right also knowing how my son although able to make friends, often feels lonely and needs his peer support or a familiar face,. I approached again school and manager gave me the same response saying that "he will have other familiar faces in his class" and nothing can be done. I tried to let it go, I keep encouraging my son that he will make new friends and he will be absolutely ok, he cries every time I remind him his friends won't be with him as it hasn't sunk on with him, he always mentioned doing this and that with his friends in school. Nursery managers still question this and advised me to forward this to inclusion officer and assistant head, which o have. I read lots of forums in other moms experiencing this with reception and I can see no one had a positive outcome following appeal, so I am ready to accept it, it'll take a while especially for my son, but i had to try before I give up. Anyone had a different response? Thank you

My eldest is starting school in September too and none of the children from his nursery will be starting with him. He goes to nursery near my work as there isn't one close to home with hours that suit but will obviously be going to school closer to home than my work.

He doesn't currently know any of the children he is starting with. Some he has met before but he won't remember them as I know their parents either from things like baby classes we used to go to together or I just happen to know them because they live locally, we're just not friends.

He has some induction days coming up and I'm going to see if any of the other mums fancy meeting up for some play dates over the summer so he can get to know a few classmates. Would that be an option for you?

To be fair, most secondary schools seem to lay quite a bit of store by new year 7s having at least one friend in their form when they transition from primary school. I acknowledge that it's probably more difficult to gauge for Reception as the children will be likely to be coming from a wide range of different settings and won't even all have been to Nursery. But if it's common practice to try to allocate 11 year olds a buddy for transition it doesn't seem beyond the realms of possibility that a 4 year old might be more comfortable with a friend. I don't see any of the schools in my area announcing they're going to deliberately split up friends to make them "resilient" in year 6/7 so why would much younger children be expected to be?
I don't think the OP's child is likely to come to any harm if a swap can't be arranged but I don't think she's unreasonable to ask if it's possible.

Why on earth did you tell him? Having done so, shut up about it. School is all new, so there will be plenty to distract him from that on the first day. He’ll be able to play with his friends at break time, and in lessons it won’t matter.

I think you need to take a deep breath and ask yourself is this just as much about you. I assume you may be friends with the parents as well and you are feeling just as isolated if not more so than him?

it happened to DD - she made new friends and kept the old ones. She (16) is seeing one of the nursery friends put in a different class this afternoon and again next week along with the other two (all 3 were in the same class) as well as 2 new ones she made (even though all went to different high schools and one lives I. Switzerland)

she was shy and anxious at Reception but actually being away from her nursery friends helped her grow and get new friends. And the courage to make the choices right for her for high school and sixth form rather than with friends becuase she has confidence to do so

I think he will be sad and anxious because you are making a huge deal of it!

Friendships at 11 are completely different to those at 4.

When we allocate reception classes, we focus on SEN and behaviour needs (which are substantial), and don't look much at which nursery they came from, because children at 4 who can make friendships are going to make new friendships. They spend time across all classes anyway.

I suspect you are part of the problem “he cries every time I remind him his friends won't be with him as it” …. Why do you keep reminding him? Tell him he will see his friend at lunch and he can introduce his friend to his new friends

Yanbu

I really would beg the school to put him with his friends. It’s one thing going to a new school along; it’s another being separated from your friends . I’d find that so upsetting.

By no means all kids make friends straight alway. My ds has taken two years to get a good group of friends; he still constantly tells me his best friend is his best friend from nursery (honestly they were like twin brothers, they were so close, but sadly in different catchments so not at the same school now).

Your overthinking and own sadness and anxiousness is rubbing off on him. Ive barely spoke to my son about starting reception in September other than to say a few excited words about it. Just chill out a bit and have a bit of faith in your son, yourself and the schools settling in process. Not a single child from my child's nursery is going to his new school, its never occurred to me to make a big thing about it. Kids are tough you know. He will be fine x

Why on earth have you even brought this to his attention?! He could have gone into this with a totally different mindset, I wouldn't have even told him.

Strong friendships can be tricky. See threads on here quite often from parents asking for advice where a child has fixated on one child as their bestie and won’t let them play with another child. Or one child is devastated that their bestie has now chosen another child to be their bestie.

Much better to have a group of good friends rather than specific individuals as besties as that is when friendship dramas start

Don't keep reminding your son. He has 2.5 months until he starts and he will see them in the playground and possibly in the classroom, as Reception is often free-flow. You have asked 3 times now. Tbh asking once was enough! To move him they would likely have to move another child, plus set a precedent and have others asking.

You were sad and anxious and you have made sure your son is sad and anxious too by constantly reminding him he won't be in the same class as his friends. Why would you do that to your child? And then ask others together kind to you when you ask for an opinion. Please just stop upsetting your child, projecting your own anxieties on to him is an awful thing to do.

YABVVVVVVU and creating an issue where there likely would not have been one.
Why on earth would any parent tell their dc that, let alone continually remind them, setting up some sort of expectation of sadness rather than what good parents do which is talking to their child about all the new and exciting things about something that is going to happen ?

I wouldn't have told him. You should have been making starting reception a positive experience explaining the exciting new things happening. All you have done is given him anxiety.

Never heard of this!!

Sounds like you're making it worse.

It would be “telling” nothing except what is and isn’t the governor’s business.

I went through this with one of my children. They were put in a class with none of their friends (not reception but a few years later). They were really upset and we did speak to the school. They agreed to see how it went and if after a few weeks my child was still upset they would re-evaluate the allocation.

My child stayed in the class they were originally given. They saw their friends at playtimes and made new friends in their class. This happens a lot in schools and I have had it at the start of secondary too. But everyone it's been fine. I wouldn't concentrate on the fact he won't be with his friends but instead that they have an exciting start to school and they will see their friends at playtime etc

This happened to my son. I spoke to nursery teachers, they explained they felt his friendship group were too overpowering and he wasn't gaining independence. He's still friends with those kids (now in y6) and has absolutely thrived. I remember crying at the teacher who was really kind but firm and was completely right, I did see her recently and told her. School sees things we don't as parents.

My daughter started in reception with two friends from nursery. She’s in Year 1 now and one has left and moved 300 miles away and she rarely plays with the other one. It won’t make any difference.

Friendships are not firm and fixed at nursery. They ebb and flow at school too. You have now got the whole of summer to let go of this. Try and say nothing more. Come Sept be positive. There must be plenty more dc to play with. My DD was “friends” with older dc at nursery and they all disappeared to school(in those days at Easter) and she went into YR the following Christmas. There was one child she played with occasionally in her class. It was no issue at all. Other friends soon were made but you need to be proactive in inviting dc round to play too.

I think your feelings of apprehension around this are really normal and understandable. and I agree that mentioning this to your son at this stage and referencing it again is not likely to help him. He's more likely to be fearful, which is a shame.

For what it's worth my son started in reception having moved to our village only a few months before. He'd left all his close friends at nursery 20 minutes down the road and moved into a small village school where 90% of the kids in reception already knew eachother. I was definitely nervous as my son was also quiet and sensitive, but I have to say he flourished. Made new friends really quickly and is very happy there.

Stop telling your son to be upset that his classmates from nursery will not be with him next year. You don’t need to remind him and you don’t need to keep discussing the subject.

focus on the excitement of moving to reception and stop discussing the other children.

You are making this worse for him.

My DS starts also starts reception in September. None of the other children from his nursery are going to the same school. He doesn’t know anyone there and I don’t know any of the parents either.

I’ve told him it is going to be exciting making new friends and he thinks it’s great.

At that age they will take their lead from you. Talk about the positives and they’ll follow suit.

We are all really looking forward to September and becoming part of a new community. DS just wants to know how many of his classmates will want to play football with him!