Reception class allocation

[uniquemarta]

Hello - before I get lashed out with harsh answers please be kind 🙏

👋 my son is due to start reception in September. There are 5 children from his nursery going to same school in reception, but only he's been placed in a class on his own while all the other 4 are together, one of which is his really good friend. I made him aware that he's not going to be in a class with his friends and he's is so sad to the point of tears; he said he feels very sad and confused he doesn't want to be alone in a class without his friends. We're both sad and anxious now. As much as I try to reassure him that he will make new friends and he will be well and enjoy school, I cabt help but worry how this is going to affect hid emotional well-being through this transition. He is a social boy but sensitive and emotional, he gets easily attached to people and he needs that familiar face to settle easily in a place unless he doesnt have that option. I approached the school manager and she bluntly said that they can't dp anything letters are out and that is that he needs to stay where he is. The nursery manager approached me and questioned allocation as she felt it isn't right also knowing how my son although able to make friends, often feels lonely and needs his peer support or a familiar face,. I approached again school and manager gave me the same response saying that "he will have other familiar faces in his class" and nothing can be done. I tried to let it go, I keep encouraging my son that he will make new friends and he will be absolutely ok, he cries every time I remind him his friends won't be with him as it hasn't sunk on with him, he always mentioned doing this and that with his friends in school. Nursery managers still question this and advised me to forward this to inclusion officer and assistant head, which o have. I read lots of forums in other moms experiencing this with reception and I can see no one had a positive outcome following appeal, so I am ready to accept it, it'll take a while especially for my son, but i had to try before I give up. Anyone had a different response? Thank you

My first child went to a preschool out of town so when she started reception she didn’t know anyone and got on absolutely fine.
Second child was at the preschool and had a friend go up with him.
So to me it seems odd they haven’t but also I’m sure he will be fine going up on his own and will make new friends like my first did

He will see his friends at play and lunch. I work in an infant school and they do really all mix at these times.

Some receptions don't to morning playtime as the whole day is play, but very often two classes will mix in an outside space anyway. I know several schools where the outside space is shared.

Plus he will make friends.

Try show him videos on youtube of other children starting school. This will help ease his anxiety and help him transition.

It should be fine but it may also be hard. You're not overthinking it, it can be a huge deal for young children to be with unfamiliar people and it's a LOT of unfamiliar people in an unfamiliar place. My daughter went into her first year at school with loads of children from nursery, then they were all together in the second year, and then in primary 3 she was inexplicably separated from all of them and put in a class she didn't know anyone. It was really difficult for her and she had a rough year - she eventually made a good friend who then unfortunately left the school in the middle of the year, so she was really down about that and there were a lot of tears. It was her worst time in her little life so far by some distance. She's always had quite intense friendships and she struggled without that. We know our children, their personalities and what helps them to be comfortable and to thrive. So I'm not a fan of dismissive responses. They still do this - my daughter's class has now been together for the last 3 years and they've again inexplicably moved one single boy from her friend group into the other class.

She did get through it though and I think reception is a slightly different from being separated from friends when they're slightly older - still being in a largely play-based age group class should help. I would put a bit more focus on his teacher and how they will help him settle in, but the summer is so long I would also try not to talk about it so much.

Was there no transition visit to the school so he could see his class and meet other children?

The exact same thing has just happened with my child. I would imagine he is picking up some of your anxiety and unhappiness about the situation. He will take his cues from you - try and be positive and optimistic and tell him he will still see the other kids all the time (reception classes tend to be free flow at different times during the day)

My older child was the only one going to the school from his nursery and made friends quickly. The teachers will be used to this and will be there to support your child. Please stop making this into such a big deal and be positive for your child’s sake.

Change the way you are talking about it, don't keep reminding him his friends won't be in his class. They will be at his school and he will see them at break and lunch.
You need to talk about the positives of school. Roleplay how to say 'hello, would you like to play?' Or 'I like you (insert compliment here'.
My son went to a school knowing no one, and I knew other kids were going with their friends. I was very worried as he has a visible difference, very anxious and nervous around new people, etc. However we spent the summer practicing skills on how to interact with new people. Practised it in shops, with toys, everything.
End of Reception and End of Yead 1 I have been told he is very popular in his class, has lots of friends, very sociable... yet he still struggles in other situations. So it goes to show they can settle and make friends. It could be good for him to make new friends rather than rely on current ones. But he also.has that back up for breaks.

I'm sure you're doing this but I would also reassure him he can see his best friend outside of school. One of my daughter's best friends from nursery went to a different primary but they continue to see each other at wraparound care and have met up in holidays etc as well.

My ds went to a completely different primary school as his friends, he soon made new friends with his new classmates.

They all got back together again at secondary school like they were never apart and he also had a large number of primary friends.

He’s an exception though as he seems to pick up friends wherever he goes and keeps them.

Why would you tell him this months before Reception was starting ? He’s going to be worried and upset for months now and it sounds like you are telling him about your worries rather than considering his. If it was necessary to tell him this info, could it have waited until early September ? Stop talking to him about the fact that he’s not with his friends.

You say that he’s good at making friends and gets easily attached so he will probably be fine in September. I understand why you’re disappointed but don’t hold him back by going on about this. Lots of kids start school without knowing anyone and make friends - there is no reason why your son will be any different.

As others have said stop mentioning it.

Are there various nurseries that feed into the school? So might be difficult to accommodate all friendships.

Can also be better to have a group of good friends and not one special bestie. It is possible that the parent of his best friend had asked them to be separated as they want their child to have a wider friendship group.

Sounds like your anxiety is feeding into his.

You can also join things outside school like Scouts (some groups have Squirrels which take 4/5 year olds) or sports clubs with these friends, so have extra time either way them.

Sometimes better to not have best friend in same class, especially as you go up the classes as can be a distraction as spend more time chatting and less time working (looking at you DS!)

Some primary schools have reception class get-togethers locally before school starts. Many reception teachers do home visits to meet the children before school starts. Many primary schools have slow and staggered part time starts (much complained about on this site, as they are obviously problematic when both parents work full time). Your boy is highly unlikely not to have at least one or two familiar faces in his class before he starts and by day 2, he’ll know loads.

I really wouldn't go back to the school about this again, they may form an impression that you are a 'difficult parent' and you don't want that for the next 7 years 😬Honestly it won't be a big deal as long as you don't dwell on it with him, as others have said. I worried about similar with my bright, sensitive DS, but it turned out to be a non issue. His best friend at nursery went to a different school and actually, my DS quickly forgot him. Brutal but true. DS made lots of new friends quickly, and anyway in your son's case they will still spend tons of time together as a year group at break times.
Also, my DS's year group got shuffled before start of year 4 (two classes) and we worried as one of his closest friends was put in the other class. It hasn't mattered as they still play at break sometimes and also he has made new friends too!

This was us 2 years ago but there were 9 from my son’s nursery and there was a 7:2 split. The other person in his class was a girl he didn’t do the same days as at nursery.

I couldn’t comprehend the decision.

But we rolled with it, made it out to be exciting and guess what - he’s absolutely loved it and made new friends.

I see you have written to the inclusion officer and Assistant Head about this too. OP, with kindness, your son being able to make friends but preferring a familiar face is very normal, so please don’t worry so much.

. I read lots of forums in other moms experiencing this with reception and I can see no one had a positive outcome following appeal

These must be appeals where parents haven't been able to get a place in their preferred school. There isn't a formal appeal process if you just want your child in a different class within the same school. It's normally something to be sorted out directly with the school.

i worked briefly ata school where reception was free flow between classes for 1.5 hours in the morning and 1.5 hours in the afternoon. At break time they were all in the playground together. In this setting he’d be free to siend the majority of the day with his nursery friends if he wanted. Check whether the school has this set up and if so reassure your child about the amount of time they’ll see their friends

he cries every time I remind him his friends won't be with him as it hasn't sunk on with him:

Why on earth do you keep reminding it? Stop it. You're just feeding into his anxiety.
You shouldn't be mentioning it at all.

Try to put a positive spin on going in to Reception. There'll be lots of new children to play with. You'll have a new teacher and there'll be so much to learn and so many exciting things to do.
If he mentions his friends not being in the same class just say that there will be plenty of time to see them at break and lunchtime and joint activities where all of Reception get together and his friends can still come round for playdates.

It's not ideal that he's not in the class with other friends from nursery but he will be fine, as long as you stop making a big thing out of it in front of him.

I wouldn’t keep reminding him as he will see his friends, he’s just not in the same class. A lot of children don’t know anyone in their class when they start reception (me and mine included) and they make friends really quickly.

Are they separate classes or a unit? We have 2 classes but are a unit, so the class is just for carpet times.
Allocation for classes is due for a number of reasons - range of summer borns, girl/ boy mix, abilities, needs, parents and talkers etc as well friendships.

I understand for you and your son it is initially disappointing, however I would see it as a positive - gives your child a chance to make friends and have more. Rather than just stay with the nursery friends. But you could raise it at transition / pre September visits and see if they can further explain the reasoning and your worries.

Why are you constantly reminding him? Stop it, tell him what a great time he’ll have at school and leave it there!

Good grief OP, you are the parent here….stop transferring your anxieties onto your child ffs!! 🤦‍♀️

The thing is most children starting reception are in the same position - unless they attended nursery attached to the school. A lot of children don't go to nursery at all, or nursery was convenient for work but not where they attend school. My point is he will not be the only child who doesn't know anyone - many won't. Is his school doing anything before September, transition day or welcome day for example? He will meet other children then. Has the school set up a whatsapp group for children coming into reception - you could see if parents would like to meet up. First day of school should be an exciting albeit slightly nervous time, you risk ruining that by letting your anxiety take over. He'll be fine.

You’re teaching him to be anxious about things that are a normal part of life. Don’t do that.

I don’t know what a "school manager" is, but I would write to the headteacher, the Early Years lead and copy in the Chair of Governors. Include a submission from the nursery.

I'm an ex-HT and we would never have done this unless the nursery recommended that the children be separated. Normally I would support the school when parents complain on Mumsnet but this sounds like a mistake to me, and if so they should be honest enough to rectify it.

But I agree with all those advising you to stop talking to your son about it.

My perspective 5 out 6 half terms into reception. This will only matter for the first few days.
My daughter started reception in September 1 of 4 from her nursery but a one form intake so no separation. She was quite close to 1 of the 4. She played with him for the first term but since then they have gone separate ways and the only time I hear about him is "X wouldn't play with me today, doesn't he remember we were at nursery together"