Am I being greedy?

[Anon2468]

Trying to cut a long story short. My sister has always been a single parent, the 2 different fathers to her children have never been involved and never assisted financially. My parents have taken a parental role with my sisters children but I can understand slightly why to support her with working etc. they bought a 2nd property to rent to her cheaper than the current market value.

i had 2 children with my partner, and he was my support network with life. We never had childcare or family support due to my parents putting all their time into my sister and her children. My children have lost out on a lot of family things due to this and don’t have a close relationship with my family. They’ve never been on days out with grandparents, yet watch their cousins do this all the time.

due to life stresses, myself and my children’s father separated last year. It was amicable break up to begin with but has become extremely toxic over the year when it came down to managing selling the family home etc. we were not married so I was not entitled to anything financially. I don’t think I slept for 4 months wondering how I would afford to put a roof over my children’s heads etc. but, in the end after a lot of work and stress I’ve managed to purchase a shared ownership property.

my parents went to see the property I am purchasing with me this week, being a new build I wanted other eyes! The entire time we were there, my dad was talking to the woman who I have been dealing with the purchase of the property, wondering how he would go about buying one for my sister. this went on for over an hour and I could barely get a word in to discuss my house - I exchanged back in November 2024 so this isn’t a potential purchase… this is my home.

to clarify, my parents have sat down and discussed with me this week they are wanting to give my sister £160,000 to buy the share of the property for her, so she won’t have a mortgage. And then her universal credit payments will cover her rent side. they have made it clear they cannot afford to do the same for me at this time, but my share will be left in the will.

they asked my opinion on this, and I expressed in 30 years time £160K won’t be worth as much. My sister has gained a mortgage free share of a house with rent paid by universal credit, while il be just getting by month by month. However, I also expressed it’s their money and they can do as they wish but as they’ve asked my opinion they can have it.

Deep down it’s not actually about the money. Last year when I was at rock bottom mentally, not one family member offered to help. I have managed everything completely alone financially and mentally. I’ve tried to express its hurt me when I was struggling, no one helped. Yet now “I’ve got my own place, my sister should have one”. I’ve worked all my life and saved and been good with money. My child’s father pays child maintenance - the bare minimum possible - and so he should! And my parents justify I don’t need help because I have my children’s father. My child’s father has run me down completely, reporting me to police, social services etc for no reason - I wouldn’t say he was my support!, but obviously my parents seem to think I’m lucky compared to my sister so I don’t need any help!

its such an awkward thing inheritance and money. I’ve given them my opinion and left it. But they have concluded I’m greedy and disgusting.

I guess while writing this, I now feel I sound awful! But there has always been favouritism in the family which I have grown up with. I’ve never benefited or expected anything, but when it’s constantly justified to me “you don’t need help” when actually last year I was the lowest possible and did need my family … it hurts!

if I was still in a relationship, and financially stable with a partner I completely understand why my parents would feel the need to help my sister more. I am in the same boat as her, but I’ve actually done something to sort my life and not relied on others to hand it to me on a plate so I don’t understand how they feel it’s fair?

am I being a completely spoilt brat in the matter? Or are my feelings of being hurt justified? I feel this is the icing on the cake for me and I need to take a massive step back from my family.

Iv said it about 10 times now to multiple posters. Iv said it to you 4 times

No, you have only just clarified that you didn’t mean it at all ie it was simply something you said in retaliation but don’t actually believe at all!

wish we would continue but I’ve got to get the bbq going to 👋

Ok

Yeah, whatever

I think what you're describing there @Jennps is the phenomenon of "learned helplessness". The person fails to embrace personal agency and relies on others to bail them out.

They absolve themselves of the responsibility that normal adults embrace when they reach that age. Perhaps the OPs sister has arrested development because their parents have mollycoddled her for so long she has no motivation to "get her shit in a sock" as they say in the Army, and is happy to be given handouts because it's easier than the effort of getting off her proverbial backside and grafting.

I've known a few people in that space.... it's very unfair, but actually they are the loser in the long run because at some stage the magic money tree will dry up.

This.

OP - first of all I think you have been treated shoddily by your parents. The money they say you would receive in future that would “balance” this transaction is ludicrous, as there may be nothing left of an inheritance when the time comes, due to care home fees, etc., or them spending the money on your sister and her children.

I don’t really understand how Universal Credit works, but I assume you are only allowed to keep a certain amount in savings (£18k??). I’m sorry I don’t know the amount, but I know my mum was allowed to keep around £16k in savings when her savings dwindled and she went into residential care. You say that your sister received a compensation sum of £40k (rightly entitled to, due to the horrible circumstances and medical incompetence) plus a redundancy pay out, but would this not make her over the threshold to receive UC until her savings were depleted? Or did she not inform UC that she had received this additional income? She mustn’t have done if, as you say, she “pissed” the lot. UC is for those who need it and surely any extra/additional income should be declared?

I certainly don’t begrudge compensation for medical incompetence, but surely all additional money should be declared. It would be different if, by some legal action, she could ring-fence this money in a separate account for her children, but, as you say, she just spent the lot and then now relies on her parents to provide a property for her - surely that can’t be right? I agree with other posters, the sale of your parents’ other property should be split between you and her share should be put towards a deposit on a property, which she would (hopefully) eventually gain equity. I know your deposit was higher due to the equity in the house you owned with your former partner, but nevertheless. You have to pay your mortgage part yourself (irrespective of child maintenance) and UC would pay your sister’s housing element of UC. So, the whole scenario, as it stands, is totally unfair, with your sister being mortgage free, whilst you only own half of your property with a mortgage.

I would take a step back from your parents. Their comments about you being “greedy” etc. are just vindictive. Go low contact. I can understand the hurt you must be feeling, as I would feel the same. As you so rightly say, it’s not just about money, but the other support your parents have given to your sister, when they didn’t give the same emotional support to you when you most needed it.

Take care. You sound as if you are sorting out your life. And, by the way, your ex partner sounds horrible, reporting you for benefit fraud etc. and for paying the bare minimum in child support for HIS children. What a “…head”.

This is really frustrating and not fair at all. As others have said they clearly see you as more capable but that doesn’t mean you don’t also need your parents .

I think I’d be writing them a letter with everything you feel and then step back.
it’s up to them then to sort this out with you x

I feel this in our family. Not to your extent but my Dad had already died before we bought our house and had our children....so when we had our two my FIL was the only Grandad. My BIL (husband's brother) had had an affair and left his wife (not innocent of blame) and their 3 young boys. They got out of hand without their Dad there and my SIL wasn't coping...so holidays, days out, sleepovers etc for those children...but not ours. Even though they broke up they both had money. BIL a good job. SIL a rich Mum, but somehow got a council house. My husband is self employed builder and I became a stay at home Mum. We really struggled financially and my in-laws did help out but by giving my husband money and help with his van. No babysitting, no holidays for the kids, no days out. It built up a lot of resentment and it's really really hurtful. I think your parents should give you 80 grand each if they've got 160K to spare! Id get a job miles and miles away and not let them see the kids if I were you. But then I'm vindictive.

I would be telling your parents you are sick of them favouring your sister and them not treating you equally. Either it stops or you'll cut them out your life completely

Your parents are either blind to or ignoring that you have financial needs as well as your sister. They are clearly playing favourites, which is a red-line mistake for a parent to make. It’s simply about being fair. Cut them off.

It sounds like your parents treat her like an infant, she’s a grown woman with children. They are being really unfair given all you have been through.

Everything you are saying is valid and I would reiterate it again in a letter that the favourism they have shown over the years is unfair and now intolerable. Then I would take a massive step back.

You’ve been through a lot OP and this is just another weight to shoulder. I’m sorry OP x

Well done OP for being resilient and hard working. Forging ahead in life without any support is very hard. Leave your shabby parents to the mercy of your useless sister in their old age. They favored your useless sister and it will be your useless sister who has to step and find out how difficult and time consuming It is looking after two elderly parents .
Leave them to it, they will all get their comeuppance.

That’s not fraud as it is the house she will live in. The DWP won’t care. If she was given a house she won’t be living in, that is different

It’s a bit harsh to call someone you don’t know useless. You don’t know her story, she’s raised two children without help from their fathers, the fathers are useless, not her

I could have written this OP. My parents always supported my daughter. When her marriage broke up they put her and her kids up. When mine went the same way my mother told me I’d made my bed and had to lie in it.

They’ve never given me anything, financially or otherwise I. I had to rent after my relationship broke up with my MIL giving me the deposit! I had two babies one was 6 weeks old.

Now it’s just my mother (dad never made a will), she expects me to run around after her. Like you say it’s not about the money but the total lack of thought or support when needed…! I could cite tonnes of similar situations where they’ve just left me.

Have two children of my own and can’t remotely fathom not supporting them, or treating one differently to the other. Utterly perplexing and hurtful. YANBU at all.

I appreciate this sentiment… but no, fight for what’s yours … you’ve been seriously short changed here. Parents should help their children but should do so equally … I speak from experience ´. When my sister fell on hard times my parents got her a car, paid for dentist bills and food etc. When I fell on hard times I got very little and now my sister is dead , I resent the fact they rely on me for everything. Fight… but fight fairly.

I should’ve said sister not daughter and can’t edit now!!

Do you mean HMRC or DWP? If they were investigating your UC claim, it would the DWP.

this is awful.

Are they trying to move her into a shared ownership property near you.

I actually think you should write down these examples, and how your ex has behaved and how hurt you were that none of them seemed to care how you were and send it to them. I'd add in how your children have never had the benefit of days out with the gp etc but I'd leave out specific mention of their different treatment of your sister's other than to say it doesn't bear comparison. Particularly your dad's behaviour spending all that time when you were viewing your property and needed to ask questions and get a second opinion, asking the vendor about shared ownership for your sister.

I also think you are being lined up for care duties by having the "money in the will" promise and your sister will escape scott free.

I doubt they will see your point of view as it would mean admitting their bad behaviour but at least you will have said it.

They don't seem to add that much to your life and its to your credit that you have struggled through some tough times yet still managed to get a decent roof over your children;s heads. which proves you can do well without them. Your DC know who looks after them and cares for them and they will remember that.

I'd lower your expectations of your parents and sister and take a step back and let them get on with it.. It stings, but I think you will feel freeer.

Just remember that when your parents get older and need help just refer them to their favourite 🤣🤣

Wow OP, your sister is clearly the favourite here. I'm not sure how your parents think this is ok!

OP sounds a difficult situation to be in but you've managed to get a decent roof over your head.

Would your Sister even qualify for shared ownership? They're very strict where I live that you've got to have a near perfect credit score. So it might not even be an issue.

This
You have every right to be upset OP
Your sister has been supported continually by your parents and to be have their involvement was a massive plus for your sister.
Your sister has had none of the emotional or practical /financial challenges of single parenthood and is now going to be living in a new home that she doesn't have to pay for!!!!
What a complete contrast to you
Very unfair
As hard as it is OP, it might be easier to step back
Take care of your yourself

Some children may need more than others but this is wildly disproportionate. 160k? Absolutely nuts to give this to one child and not the other. I think for this to be acceptable the child not given this amount would have to be seriously rich to the point that 160k was insignificant to them.

You and your sister have obviously been through some struggles and they are recognizing hers with their time and money but have not done this for you. It's unfair and I'm not surprised that you feel this way.

Your post does make you sound like a very self sufficient person so maybe you are not someone who shows their struggles easily and they have not picked up in this but I think this might excuse them for lending your sister a few thousand and helping out a few more hours a week with childcare, not 160k and prioritizing their time so much for your sister that it's compromising their relationship with your own children.