Am I being greedy?

[Anon2468]

Trying to cut a long story short. My sister has always been a single parent, the 2 different fathers to her children have never been involved and never assisted financially. My parents have taken a parental role with my sisters children but I can understand slightly why to support her with working etc. they bought a 2nd property to rent to her cheaper than the current market value.

i had 2 children with my partner, and he was my support network with life. We never had childcare or family support due to my parents putting all their time into my sister and her children. My children have lost out on a lot of family things due to this and don’t have a close relationship with my family. They’ve never been on days out with grandparents, yet watch their cousins do this all the time.

due to life stresses, myself and my children’s father separated last year. It was amicable break up to begin with but has become extremely toxic over the year when it came down to managing selling the family home etc. we were not married so I was not entitled to anything financially. I don’t think I slept for 4 months wondering how I would afford to put a roof over my children’s heads etc. but, in the end after a lot of work and stress I’ve managed to purchase a shared ownership property.

my parents went to see the property I am purchasing with me this week, being a new build I wanted other eyes! The entire time we were there, my dad was talking to the woman who I have been dealing with the purchase of the property, wondering how he would go about buying one for my sister. this went on for over an hour and I could barely get a word in to discuss my house - I exchanged back in November 2024 so this isn’t a potential purchase… this is my home.

to clarify, my parents have sat down and discussed with me this week they are wanting to give my sister £160,000 to buy the share of the property for her, so she won’t have a mortgage. And then her universal credit payments will cover her rent side. they have made it clear they cannot afford to do the same for me at this time, but my share will be left in the will.

they asked my opinion on this, and I expressed in 30 years time £160K won’t be worth as much. My sister has gained a mortgage free share of a house with rent paid by universal credit, while il be just getting by month by month. However, I also expressed it’s their money and they can do as they wish but as they’ve asked my opinion they can have it.

Deep down it’s not actually about the money. Last year when I was at rock bottom mentally, not one family member offered to help. I have managed everything completely alone financially and mentally. I’ve tried to express its hurt me when I was struggling, no one helped. Yet now “I’ve got my own place, my sister should have one”. I’ve worked all my life and saved and been good with money. My child’s father pays child maintenance - the bare minimum possible - and so he should! And my parents justify I don’t need help because I have my children’s father. My child’s father has run me down completely, reporting me to police, social services etc for no reason - I wouldn’t say he was my support!, but obviously my parents seem to think I’m lucky compared to my sister so I don’t need any help!

its such an awkward thing inheritance and money. I’ve given them my opinion and left it. But they have concluded I’m greedy and disgusting.

I guess while writing this, I now feel I sound awful! But there has always been favouritism in the family which I have grown up with. I’ve never benefited or expected anything, but when it’s constantly justified to me “you don’t need help” when actually last year I was the lowest possible and did need my family … it hurts!

if I was still in a relationship, and financially stable with a partner I completely understand why my parents would feel the need to help my sister more. I am in the same boat as her, but I’ve actually done something to sort my life and not relied on others to hand it to me on a plate so I don’t understand how they feel it’s fair?

am I being a completely spoilt brat in the matter? Or are my feelings of being hurt justified? I feel this is the icing on the cake for me and I need to take a massive step back from my family.

But he wouldn’t have any fraud against him as it is your sister who is claiming the money

What did she put down in order that she was able to claim housing benefit

Is the house owned outright by your parents because if their is a mortgage in it then your father could be charged with mortgage fraud as BTL mortgages aren’t supposed to be given to house your family

Doesnt matter how official the rental contract is if it is for a family member.

Also if your sister has form for not paying the rent, how is she going to manage to keep up the rental part when it is going to be paid to a 3rd party who won’t be as patient as her own father.

She could end up losing everything as their are strict criterias and timelines you have to adhere to in the lease agreement.

I consider this to be really unfair on you OP but I do wonder whether your parents have considered care costs that may have to be paid for in their later years.
There may be nothing left when it comes to that stage and where does that leave you?

Likely outcome (if I’ve understood correctly). OPs DP bought property for OPs DS to rent from them and income declared for tax. Years pass and one or both DPs need care (privately funded as they have assets- means tested). When cash and investment run out , the sale of property purchased for OPs DS and she either purchases it or has to leave or move in with DPs. When those funds exhausted a charge placed on DPs home and when they pass then whatever left goes to whoever after CGT on 1st property and IHT on DPs property. Highly unlikely much will be left.
OP is much better to look after herself and make her own arrangements for her own children.

Exactly this.

He refused to be your guarantor but have brought a house for your sister to cheaply rent and is now buying a home so she is mortgage free?? Yeah i would be going no contact at this point

I get it OP it’s the same with me and my (older) brother. I’ve always been the one who is independent so they don’t think I need as much help. It’s hurtful.

This was the advice I was going to suggest.

Your parents will always favour your sister and her children. I wouldn’t be surprised if when the will comes, you find yourself cut off because your sister needs the money for something else.

I would distance myself from them but tell them why.

For your own sanity I would take a big step away. Your family sound toxic and you need to think about your own mental health.

Your parents are vile and your sister is too. No wonder you are confused and resentful. You would think your sister would speak up and back you up. Maybe you are more capable though no excuse you and your children are being penalised. Well step back let them all go they won’t help you or be there in any capacity it seems.

So your sister is basically just being rewarded for having 2 kids with 2 men who both are deadbeat dads 😒 this is wild

Your parents are abusive. Your sister is the golden child. you are the scape goat.

your ex and his behaviour is also post separation abuse. Google post separation abuse wheel. It’ll probs blow your mind and enlighten you.

your parents know what they are doing, they know there treating you and your children the way they are and they are also gaslighting you about your ex 🙄

This dynamic won’t change, no matter what you say do or explain they already know what they have done to you and choose to keep doing to you. The only way you can fix it is to take control of your life and put hard boundaries in place or go no contact.

do your self a favour, if your ex keeps abusing you file every single last thing to police and get a non mol order at the least he won’t stop your kids have a long way to go to adulthood.

put you and your kids first you will thrive ❤️

Yep, fair enough.

YOU ARE NOT GREEDY!
As I was reading through your post, I was feeling quite angry and frustrated on your behalf! Which increased as I read on! ...

You're not being treated equally and fairly. Yes, I understand that with our children as they become adults one child may need targeted help, and the parents only have so much, so you anticipate that your other child is supported by you too, in the future, when they need it. (& either way, if they don't need it, you still make it right someway/ somehow)

You need their support.

Why are they ignoring you? (I know they spoke to you, but they're still ignoring you/ your needs etc) Your children lost out on Grandparent connections. Why couldn't your sister speak up and ask that your kids were included somehow! (It sounds like she quietly/ happily looked on, and said nothing!)

And when suffering and struggling Why should you, have to go to them!!! Where were they? They should have gone to you!!!

Technically as far as DWP goes this is not the case. You cannot rent a home owned by a family member, it's against the rules and if UC finds out they will not award her rent allowance.

You are not being unreasonable at all, nor greedy. You should be so proud of yourself for getting yourself up from rock bottom by yourself! If they can’t see that then quite frankly F them. They are being incredibly unfair & I do find this happens in families with siblings - there is always one who even though dealt the same cards ends up on benefits or ‘needs’ it more than the others! It just winds me up because it should be equal across the siblings me personally! Just distance yourself and just remember you’re being a great role model to your children!

Welcome to my life. My parents did similar for 2 of my brothers. But not me because my husband should look after me. Double standard or what?!

As for your ex helping you, why isn't your sister's exes helping her?

Frankly I'd tell your parents how upsetting it all is to always be left out of everything they do, that you feel unwanted and unappreciated. That it hurts that they don't appear to love or want to know your children.

And make it clear that it doesn't matter what they put in their wills you know there is no guarantee that you will get anything when they die so there's no point in pretending that it will be made good in time. If they can't or don't want to do it now then stuff it.

fyi - my mom was fully aware of how upset I was when I asked for help when I knew she had the money in the bank, she even asked me what she should invest in. I suggested she lend the money I needed and I would pay interest on it when I gave it back in 6 months time. She said no. Thanks mom.

I completely understand why you are disgruntled and you are certainly not greedy. The disparity between the way your parents treat you both is indefensible. One thing to consider, not only will £160k be a lot less valuable when they die but it may well not exist. If either of your parents require care, virtually all of their capital will be spent on that. I think I would make my feelings clear to parents about how hurt you are about the blatant, unfair, preferential treatment and priority they give your sister and her children.

They have favoured your sister and thats oh so wrong but your stance to the money they are going to leave you was in 30 yr 160 thou wont be worth much took my breath away.my mother died age 40, dad struggled to raise us and there was never a spare penny, .. so inheritance??Ha, its me thats got dad out of his rented flat,he,s 88, and i,ve sold my holiday home to pay for him a bungalow… and your getting 160,000 in 30 years,how damn fortunate you are x

We will always love our parents, no matter what they do to us.

Maybe they think your sister will look after them in old age, and you won't. I'm always reminded that I'm not the favourite. I've just learned to live with it, and ensure I don't regret anything with my parents.

Of course it will hurt them giving money to your sister, but you have expressed this to them, and there isn't much else you can do, but accept the situation, or move on from your parents.

I think this sums it up really. I am also in this situation. I try and see it as a compliment that my parents see me as capable and my sister as needing help to navigate life. That said, I don’t think it’s fair and I also don’t necessarily agree that continually acting as her support has been good parenting in terms of her managing her affairs better.

You have a holiday home? The irony...

Sounds like your parents favour your sister and her children over you and yours. Some parents are like that . Its painful but you wont change them and it would drive you mad trying to. Most parents who have favourites usually hide it well though. Im sorry.

It doesn’t sound fair OP but I’m going to try and logic this out.

Your sister has been made redundant. Had an abortion during which procedures were not followed correctly and therefore had 2 high risk pregnancies subsequently, with two different men, both of whom have nothing to do with their kids?

You were with your for 10 years and had kids with your partner but are now separated.

Honestly…when your kids were little you did have your partner there and your sister had no one. So it doesn’t surprise me at all that you and your partner covered all school holidays and school drop offs etc. but your parents helped your sister.

It sounds like your sister has shit taste in men, but yours hasn’t turned out much better. You never married before kids, leaving yourself vulnerable and your ex has called the police and social services on you…so people in glasshouses and all that.

Financially you should absolutely be treated the same. You should both be given emotional support through tough times. Things like childcare and school drop offs though…no. Your kids had two parents at home to manage that, and most of us have to manage that on our own without parents help. Your sister was on her own with two kids and completely absent fathers both physically and financially.

98% say you are not being unreasonable. There's ur firm evidence that it is them and not you. Someone said it must sting. I feel so sorry for you and that is a horrible situation to be in.

Time to distance yourself from people who seem to not care and invest your time, energy and love into people who actually care about you.

I hope you find someone nice /good group of friends in the future and the bad memories will be replaced by nice ones.

Don't keep seeking out their.company or approval as it won't be forthcoming.