Am I being greedy?

[Anon2468]

Trying to cut a long story short. My sister has always been a single parent, the 2 different fathers to her children have never been involved and never assisted financially. My parents have taken a parental role with my sisters children but I can understand slightly why to support her with working etc. they bought a 2nd property to rent to her cheaper than the current market value.

i had 2 children with my partner, and he was my support network with life. We never had childcare or family support due to my parents putting all their time into my sister and her children. My children have lost out on a lot of family things due to this and don’t have a close relationship with my family. They’ve never been on days out with grandparents, yet watch their cousins do this all the time.

due to life stresses, myself and my children’s father separated last year. It was amicable break up to begin with but has become extremely toxic over the year when it came down to managing selling the family home etc. we were not married so I was not entitled to anything financially. I don’t think I slept for 4 months wondering how I would afford to put a roof over my children’s heads etc. but, in the end after a lot of work and stress I’ve managed to purchase a shared ownership property.

my parents went to see the property I am purchasing with me this week, being a new build I wanted other eyes! The entire time we were there, my dad was talking to the woman who I have been dealing with the purchase of the property, wondering how he would go about buying one for my sister. this went on for over an hour and I could barely get a word in to discuss my house - I exchanged back in November 2024 so this isn’t a potential purchase… this is my home.

to clarify, my parents have sat down and discussed with me this week they are wanting to give my sister £160,000 to buy the share of the property for her, so she won’t have a mortgage. And then her universal credit payments will cover her rent side. they have made it clear they cannot afford to do the same for me at this time, but my share will be left in the will.

they asked my opinion on this, and I expressed in 30 years time £160K won’t be worth as much. My sister has gained a mortgage free share of a house with rent paid by universal credit, while il be just getting by month by month. However, I also expressed it’s their money and they can do as they wish but as they’ve asked my opinion they can have it.

Deep down it’s not actually about the money. Last year when I was at rock bottom mentally, not one family member offered to help. I have managed everything completely alone financially and mentally. I’ve tried to express its hurt me when I was struggling, no one helped. Yet now “I’ve got my own place, my sister should have one”. I’ve worked all my life and saved and been good with money. My child’s father pays child maintenance - the bare minimum possible - and so he should! And my parents justify I don’t need help because I have my children’s father. My child’s father has run me down completely, reporting me to police, social services etc for no reason - I wouldn’t say he was my support!, but obviously my parents seem to think I’m lucky compared to my sister so I don’t need any help!

its such an awkward thing inheritance and money. I’ve given them my opinion and left it. But they have concluded I’m greedy and disgusting.

I guess while writing this, I now feel I sound awful! But there has always been favouritism in the family which I have grown up with. I’ve never benefited or expected anything, but when it’s constantly justified to me “you don’t need help” when actually last year I was the lowest possible and did need my family … it hurts!

if I was still in a relationship, and financially stable with a partner I completely understand why my parents would feel the need to help my sister more. I am in the same boat as her, but I’ve actually done something to sort my life and not relied on others to hand it to me on a plate so I don’t understand how they feel it’s fair?

am I being a completely spoilt brat in the matter? Or are my feelings of being hurt justified? I feel this is the icing on the cake for me and I need to take a massive step back from my family.

Op can you ask your parents to give you the 160k now rather than in will so you can use it to also buy your house outright like little sister is getting? You’re right 160k won’t be much worth whereas in your property it will grow. Both sisters who are in a similar difficulty get a house, mortgage free where your parents grandchildren can grow up without difficulty. It will be interesting to see their response …

Is your father in good health? He must live 7 years after giving gifts of money.

How is the relationship between your sister and your parents? Has she promised them anything? How much control do they have over your sister, in return for their generosity?

Would you like to be controlled like that? You have to make up your mind. Your DF is generous to a fault with your sister, not with you.

It might help you to find out why.

It is hard to vote one way or another without knowing just how deep the control goes.

Similar to above but beforehand I would either sit them down (preferably) or write them a letter. Tell them exactly how you feel about the favouritism offered to your sister and additional support they give her. (I would even ask if you are actually their daughter?) Tell them exactly what ex-partner has done to you and how stressed you are. Be blunt. Let them know affect it has upon your children.
My partner’s parents always favoured sibling’s family over us and our family. We are now non-contact and it’s so much less stressful.
If they still can’t see it, then tell them to contact you when they can treat their children/grandchildren equally and leave it.

I know someone in your sister’s position who rented a house from her mum, and it was illegal but because her mum had remarried they didn’t have the same name and got away with it. The person I know has basically sponged off her family all her life. Her brother bought her a car and she just had to pay the insurance (which I think her mum paid). She had good qualifications but chose not to do anything with her life, why would you when you get everything for free!! 😡

OP what do you gain from having contact with your parents? Why stick around to be treated as the least favourable child? Because while I can understand the financial help for your sister, that they do fuck all for their grandchildren and left you when you were in need is just weird. Your sister gets defensive when you bring it up because she benefits from this favouritism. Your parents have decided you are the strong one (I have been there, so also know it will be you they will come to when they need help) and are making clear they won’t be parents or grandparents to your family. Sorry but sounds like time to mourn the relationship and cut it off, instead of constantly triggering yourself by staying in contact.

Why can’t they give you 80k each now? Is that not the most logical thing with two kids?

Mental that you’re being punished for trying to make a stable life OP, I’m sorry xx

I think they need to check up on this, I think there are rules about getting social funded money to cover a property which is owned by a relative. If there aren’t there should be - Otherwise we would all be doing it 🙂

I think you have been treated very unfairly. So you're stronger than your sister, in my view managing on your own makes you worth giving a helping hand. Your sister has just behaved like a sponge and your parents have fallen for it hook line and sinker. She must be very good to have fooled them for this long. I think you should take a huge step back and tell them exactly how you've struggled and been ignored. If they still think you're greedy and disgusting tell them to stick their inheritance and walk away!
The reason I take this stance is because I had a similar problem only my mother chose my eldest over me every time. The only reason I got the home when she passed was because my eldest had said they didn't want it. (I'm an only child). Good luck.

I'm so sorry to know you're suffering these immensely upsetting & unjust circumstances
Unfairness & bias favouritism is completely an injustice to endure & something you shouldn't be suffering
Especially from your own family
I'm praying somehow this will be resolved
You deserve the utmost very best
💚🙏

Waaaahhhh

I feel for you, I've been in a similar situation. It stinks, it's not fair and it hurts. Sorry x

OP my DM is similar to your DF, in that she believes it’s the man who should be providing. So my DSis and I live a pretty regular/frugal life (1 camping holiday a year, regular state school for this kids, 1 clapped out family car), but my DB gets significant financial help, where he, his wife & kids live like celebrities (4 holidays a year, private schools, 2 nice cars, personal trainers and designer clothes) all subsidised by my mum. It enrages me and my DSis so much! I can’t imagine treating my kids so differently.

I’d be asking out right why she gets handed everything but you have to take care of yourself. It was one thing when you had a supportive partner, but now you’re just in need of your family as her. I’d make them explain why her but not you. Then, I’d decide if I want to continue a relationship with them.

Well done for being able to do for yourself what your sister has never had the pleasure of doing. You’ve raised your children, and purchased a home for your family, completely by yourself without help from anyone. You should be really proud of that! You can’t put a price on dignity.

I guess while writing this, I now feel I sound awful!

You don't sound awful at all. I think you are completely justified in feeling hurt and badly done to here. You've done everything right and are being punished for it while your sister can is always protected from the consequences of her own poor choices. I'd be furious and frustrated too. Your parents are behaving very unfairly and I really feel for you.

Yes me too, completely empathise
💚

OP. my sister is also the golden child. Our Mum has handed over half her business to my sister, has paid for extensive renovations on my sisters house, and employs her through the business. I meanwhile have been left to get on with life. Any time my sister makes a poor life decision, Mum swoops in. Speaking from personal experience, back off from them. It does your mental health and self esteem no favours to be the one always left with the crumbs of their attention and affection. You will never be your sister's equal in their eyes. It's shit, it's cruel and it's something that I will never put my own DC through. And it's not even worth trying to raise it, you'll be the unreasonable one. Just quietly and gently back away, and coat yourself in teflon so it no longer surprises or hurts you, in fact you just expect it.

As a Parent of two girls and a GP I cannot imagine ever treating my DDs differently "overall". My eldest DD moved away for work when she left Uni and the housing market went crazy. The tiny house she bought was on the market for £42k and withing weeks it went to "sealed bids" and we were told there were already offers in for £72k. She couldn't afford that so we paid the difference. We also bought her a little second hand car. Younger DD went through a very bad patch after Uni, losing her prime job and worked at the nearby Zoo on the tills for a year. The pay didn't cover her rent, so we paid it. We discussed it all with both DDs before making the decisions. We also paid for both weddings (ten years apart) and gave both annual (tax free) sums for a while. The younger DD went through a traumatic break-up with her first fiance and had to buy him out of their flat - we paid for that (£50k) which the elder DD didn't have or need at the time but was fine with it. I still have it in mind that we "owe" elder DD £50k if she ever needs it. It's all 20 years ago now, but I won't forget her. Elder DD also has Fibromyalgia which is now seriously affecting her ability to work, so I'm bearing that in mind too.

My DDs are very different. The elder is exceptionally sensible with money, the younger much less so (despite being an Accountant!), but that's up to them.

I can't imagine not treating them both the same. It's what decent parents do.

OP, you have been treated appallingly. Even if you didn't have a sister you have still been treated appallingly from parents who are apparently more than able to help you out when its needed. It is admirable that you have tried to stand on your own two feet (and it seems you have managed well), but I can understand that it will still grate. It is grossly unfair.

I think you should stop being so "understanding" of your parents. They are crap. They don't deserve a daughter of your calibre. Hold your head high and be proud of yourself. It sounds like your sister doesn't deserve your support either. You have been badly let down.

I say this tongue in cheek, but if/when your parents need help in their old age, leave them to it. Tongue in cheek cos I bet you won't be able to do that, cos you are a good person, and you probably know that your sister won't step up either. You will end up doing your best for them and likely get not a penny at the end of the day. But at least you will know that you are a cut above the rest of your family in all ways.

Much love to you.

You are entitled to just as much child support if you are not married, it's about the children not your status-if you had a home together and you have custody of the children you should have got the home, at least until the children are 18.

There’s no way I could read this and not reply. You’ve described a situation so similar to me and my brother. My brother’s situation being like your sister’s and mine being like yours. Things really came to a head for me also around a decision they made about property. I also felt like I was being made to wait until I received a future inheritance before things balanced out.

I don’t agree with the comments that say to distance yourself. If you do, that is obviously your choice but what I did was get counselling. I explored in a lot in those sessions how differently my parents treated me and my brother. They always had a ‘fix it’ situation with him and a ‘she’ll manage’ attitude towards me.

A few years later I spoke more with my brother about how my parents treated him and I realised he didn’t prefer being the one that was helped all the time. In the long run it didn’t really do much for his self confidence.

I think it was the counselling that made me realise that my parents didn’t love my brother more because of what they did for him and not for me, they had just got stuck in this pattern of behaviour.

Fast forward another few years and my mum has died. There have been a lot of difficulties for me around losing my mum but one thing I’ve always felt pleased about is that I had resolved those feelings and that was fully settled for me in my own head before she died. And I never even spoke to her about it, I didn’t need to, I resolved my own feelings on the matter. My brother and I are now closer than we were and I’m relieved to have his support and also not have ever fallen out with him about it.

Being a parent yourself I’m sure you understand that parents make mistakes. Sometimes those mistakes last years or a lifetime. I don’t know the other details of your relationship but I would urge you to consider some counselling. If you can handle your feelings about how you are treated by them, that’s all you can do really, they will still do what they do. I’m not saying any of this is easy, it’s really hard but all I can say is that one day they won’t be here anymore and if you can forgive them now it will help you enjoy the time you have now, rather than forgiving or regretting once they’re gone.

No you’re not being greedy, just because you may not have asked for help doesn’t mean you don’t need any. What really concerns me is they’re making little to no effort in seeing your children. They’ve also called you disgusting, with this in mind, do you really want their money? Your parents told you not to tell your sister about your new house as she would get jealous because hers was smaller - I mean, I’m not being rude but I think your sister needs to grow up if this is the case.

This is so upsetting OP. I have two daughters and I hope I would never treat them this unfairly. My parents were very fair always with my brother and I , it meant that when they died we were able to deal with everything really amicably and be fair and generous with each .
I don’t understand your parents’ behaviour, and why they can’t see how hurtful it is. Maybe they feel very needed by your sister, but what they are actually doing is punishing you for soldiering on and causing resentment and a rift between their children and even grandchildren, that wouldn’t be there if they had treated you all fairly. I would write it all down and send them a letter.

Your post has made me think that perhaps your DM is 'basking' in the success of your DB and is actually helping herself by being part of a seemingly successful life of her DS?

Is that a possibility do you think? It is not unknown by any means. It is grossly unfair as well.

I don't mean to be cruel or lack understanding, to anyone. I am wondering if something similar, sort of almost reverse is happening in the OP's life, in that your DP want to be 'praised' for the help they are giving to one and not the other?

You aren't being greedy or jealous. I have the same situation. Short story I left work through depression and anxiety. Because my husband works he is supposed to be supporting me (says mom and dad). I have a brother who isn't working so I know my mom buys him groceries. I'm at the end of pecking order like you only my three girls are ahead of me. She can't see anything wrong with what she is doing to my family dynamics. My eldest spent a lot of time with them because she was a competitive swimmer and my dad was really into it. But she seemed to take my position in the family and I'm a floater.so much going on so I do understand you completely. If you want a chat drop us a message. I hope they realise their mistake while they can still salvage a relationship with your boys boys. You and me have both gone past the point of no return xx

Your parents called you greedy and disgusting? I think your sister sounds like the greedy one. Why did they call you disgusting?

I'd find their obvious favouritism very difficult to accept and would probably distance myself from them a little.

If the house does not have a mortgage on it, and the DP owns it outright, they have to declare the rent on their tax return.

If there is a mortgage on the property which someone is letting to their children, then you have to get permission of the lender and the insurance company.

It isn't always cut and dried.

For gifts, there is tax to pay after £3K a year, which is very little. There is no gift tax if the giver lives 7 years after, and there is a sliding scale for gift tax.

The Treasury doesn't miss a trick. If you inherit property and have to pay IHT on it, the Treasury only allows six months before they charge interest on the value!