Am I being greedy?

[Anon2468]

Trying to cut a long story short. My sister has always been a single parent, the 2 different fathers to her children have never been involved and never assisted financially. My parents have taken a parental role with my sisters children but I can understand slightly why to support her with working etc. they bought a 2nd property to rent to her cheaper than the current market value.

i had 2 children with my partner, and he was my support network with life. We never had childcare or family support due to my parents putting all their time into my sister and her children. My children have lost out on a lot of family things due to this and don’t have a close relationship with my family. They’ve never been on days out with grandparents, yet watch their cousins do this all the time.

due to life stresses, myself and my children’s father separated last year. It was amicable break up to begin with but has become extremely toxic over the year when it came down to managing selling the family home etc. we were not married so I was not entitled to anything financially. I don’t think I slept for 4 months wondering how I would afford to put a roof over my children’s heads etc. but, in the end after a lot of work and stress I’ve managed to purchase a shared ownership property.

my parents went to see the property I am purchasing with me this week, being a new build I wanted other eyes! The entire time we were there, my dad was talking to the woman who I have been dealing with the purchase of the property, wondering how he would go about buying one for my sister. this went on for over an hour and I could barely get a word in to discuss my house - I exchanged back in November 2024 so this isn’t a potential purchase… this is my home.

to clarify, my parents have sat down and discussed with me this week they are wanting to give my sister £160,000 to buy the share of the property for her, so she won’t have a mortgage. And then her universal credit payments will cover her rent side. they have made it clear they cannot afford to do the same for me at this time, but my share will be left in the will.

they asked my opinion on this, and I expressed in 30 years time £160K won’t be worth as much. My sister has gained a mortgage free share of a house with rent paid by universal credit, while il be just getting by month by month. However, I also expressed it’s their money and they can do as they wish but as they’ve asked my opinion they can have it.

Deep down it’s not actually about the money. Last year when I was at rock bottom mentally, not one family member offered to help. I have managed everything completely alone financially and mentally. I’ve tried to express its hurt me when I was struggling, no one helped. Yet now “I’ve got my own place, my sister should have one”. I’ve worked all my life and saved and been good with money. My child’s father pays child maintenance - the bare minimum possible - and so he should! And my parents justify I don’t need help because I have my children’s father. My child’s father has run me down completely, reporting me to police, social services etc for no reason - I wouldn’t say he was my support!, but obviously my parents seem to think I’m lucky compared to my sister so I don’t need any help!

its such an awkward thing inheritance and money. I’ve given them my opinion and left it. But they have concluded I’m greedy and disgusting.

I guess while writing this, I now feel I sound awful! But there has always been favouritism in the family which I have grown up with. I’ve never benefited or expected anything, but when it’s constantly justified to me “you don’t need help” when actually last year I was the lowest possible and did need my family … it hurts!

if I was still in a relationship, and financially stable with a partner I completely understand why my parents would feel the need to help my sister more. I am in the same boat as her, but I’ve actually done something to sort my life and not relied on others to hand it to me on a plate so I don’t understand how they feel it’s fair?

am I being a completely spoilt brat in the matter? Or are my feelings of being hurt justified? I feel this is the icing on the cake for me and I need to take a massive step back from my family.

You’re not greedy. In fact you sound like an extremely hardworking and lovely person.

i have a younger sibling who - perhaps like yours? - has never properly grown up. Life has been very hard for mine (as it has for me at times) but they have benefitted massively (financially) from one parent. To the extent of inheriting a full house, good car plus money. All whilst opting out of work and their own dc for many years. There are many excuses for this opting out and avoiding their own dc. And work has been mainly very part time, casual, whilst claiming top ups and benefiting from family handouts.

I’m probably a bit older than you and am lucky in that both dh and I have reasonable jobs. I have come to terms a bit with the emotional side of it by recognising that avoidant and needy people like my sibling (and perhaps yours) are rarely happy or fulfilled. They are dependent on others for most of their physical and emotional needs, they often lack self sufficiency and indeed self awareness. At times I am sure they are lonely. Overall I’m in a better position despite not being the favoured one and my own relationships with my dc are much healthier as yours also appear to be. So as much as you can don’t waste your emotional energy on people who don’t really care and have clearly demonstrated this.

going forwards with your dps I’d be considering a very low key, casual relationship. Cups of tea occasionally type of thing, nice and light no drama of cutting off or anything like that. But very minor emotional effort from you. Nodding and smiling vaguely at talk of your poor sister etc…

@BusWankers unfortunately this is allowed by the system. My friend did the exact same thing. Sold her house with her ex partner got £100k equity. They allowed her to put it down as a deposit on a new build as a shared ownership type thing and then UC pay her ‘rent’. So she’s in a 3 bed new build that I can’t afford to buy despite working my ass off, living completely for free. My mortgage for my smaller 3 bed is £800 a month. The things I could do with an extra £800 a month. It’s no surprise she has 4 holidays a year.

I don’t think it should be allowed. You can’t claim UC if you have more than £16k in savings so I feel if you receive money of that amount you should have to use it to live on until you are below the threshold again.

Wow this must be incredibly hurtful for you. Everything you’re feeling is absolutely valid. It’s pretty unfair treatment you’ve always received, there’s clearly favouritism and it’s completely shitty how little they support you in comparison to your sister. I’m in a similar situation, won’t go into details but I fully understand the hurt you feel.
I don’t think things will ever change, when the opportunity came for them to offer you the same support, they still didn’t. Take some time to heal from the fact your family just don’t support you at all, despite all the help and handouts they are capable of giving your sister. It’s also sad your kids don’t receive the same level of effort that the other grandkids do. I also understand that painful feeling…
Be proud of how strong you are and how you’ve got yourself out of that dark hole and secured a home for you and your kids, you’re amazing! Keep moving forward with your life and just focus on you and your kids..

I think you should be extremely proud of yourself, you’ve worked for everything you have and never had any help.
They have to piss on your parade as they are frightened of your sister feeling jealous, it’s a form of emotional incest, they are guaranteeing she will never fly the nest, so to speak. They are keeping her bound to them by their generosity and infantilising her.
I think you have been dealt the better hand, you can look after yourself and your DC.
The sad thing about what they are doing to her is, in the future when your parents die, she will spunk any money given to her and flounder.

I personally would be tempted to be really clear with your parents, giving numerous examples of differential treatment, although I’d concentrate on the practical and emotional aspects rather than financial. I’d also be really explicit about how hard more recent times have been for you and how being without support has made you feel. I’d make no demands and would then very much leave it to your parents to see if this impacts how they are. While they may not feel able to offer apologies, you’d hope they’d offer more practical and emotional support. If they don’t then you know you can do no more and it’s about protecting yourself from the hurt their lack of support causes you in whatever way you can.

My sister came into £40K plus compensation years ago

woah… what for?

It’s not really about the money, it’s that time and time again your parents have shown you that your sister and her children will always come first.

Are your kids old enough to see the clear favoritism shown?

For having an abortion, and the clinic not giving her an anti-D injection which affected her future pregnancies when the babies had different blood groups.

she also came into a lump sum redundancy package at the same time so it’s not like she’s been short on cash over the years.

I would personally limit contact. They don’t seem to add any value to you and your kids life. They don’t help out with the kids or help you so really what kind of relationship do you have with them? They clearly favour your sister. I wouldn’t be arsed about the money either. You said no helped you last year, that’s speaks volumes. Limit contact and sack off the inheritance.

That will have been a blow at the time and I’d have been very concerned about my daughter / sister

Op would I be right in thinking… you and your sister don’t get on and you don’t like or respect her?

Op you know what to do when they need help in their old age, tell your sister she can look after them.

And then situations like Ops happen, where she resents her parents.

I couldn't even look at them yet alone talk to them. It's not about money it's about their love for their golden child. You sound lovely op x

You sound amazing OP. It’s hard but don’t let this ruin your life. You have so much to be proud of and you are setting a fantastic example to your children by showing them that hard work and sacrifice will get you want you want in life, not hand outs. Unfortunately they are enabling your sister to be entirely dependent on them for the rest of their life and as unfair as it feels right now, you will be in the better position in the long run.

I would just make sure you remember this when your parents are old and need help! I’m sure they’ll be calling on you, expecting you to run around after them. I can’t imagine your sister will, as she is used to living a free life, but since she has had all the help and support she will have to take the responsibility to return the favour. They didn’t help you when you needed it, so you don’t need to help them when the time comes for them!

Oh I get that it wasn’t a pleasant time! But we all go through stuff don’t we. And my point here is if it happens to me it’s not an issue, but if it happens to her she needs all the support she can get.

me and my sister get along when our parents aren’t involved. My sister doesn’t agree with my opinions (why would she?) which then causes a rift between us. I’ve expressed to her in the past how my children are left out, yet she takes it personally and gets defensive. It’s my parents that are the issue by allowing this. I don’t blame my sister but unfortunately it affects us.

Well yes, we do “all go through stuff” not often involving medical negligence that will affect future pregnancies.

So her living children…. What was the impact on them of the medical negligence?

You can’t force or persuade your parents to change

you can’t force them to care

you can stop letting their behaviour cause you such anger op. Let them go. Let them”it” go

I get it OP. We got our deposit money with an inheritance to buy a cheap house from DH’s side of the family.
My DPs sold a shared property as it wasn’t fair to my DSis that she didn’t have somewhere. She bought a flat in one of UK’s most expensive towns. It was fair because she was single and I had a DH.
Fast forward. Dsis is not single any more, but her partner is not willing to co buy a bigger property that they need. DPs are leaning on me to relinquish another shared asset as Dsis only had a flat, and i have a house. I am refusing. It is her decision to buy in an expensive part of the UK, and choose a partner who won’t commit.
i am being made out to be the unreasonable one.

@Anon2468 it isnt your fault that your sister could not keep a man for any length of time to at least only have one dad for her two children! it isnt your fault that in your parents' eyes, she can do no wrong! it isnt your fault that your parents devote all their time to your sister and her children! it isnt your fault that your ex partner is a selfish dick! at least you managed to have both children with the same man, whereas she has her two children by two selfish dicks!! it certainly isnt your fault that she is a take take take person!!

I totally understand why you feel like this. Its not so much about the money. Rather the favouritism shown to your sister. I understand my mum favours my sister over me

My parents have done very similar. My sister (who doesn’t have children, just for context) was given £100k to help buy a house because they “didn’t want her to struggle” - she’s a high earner who goes on multiple holidays a year. My other sister got made redundant at 33 weeks pregnant and with a toddler - not a peep from my parents. Obviously it’s their money, they can do what they like. But they’re delusional if they don’t think it’s noticed that they aren’t arsed about my other sister struggling.

I don't think you sound awful, at all. Your parents on the other hand...?
Personally I'd feel inclined to cut them off completely, they are bringing nothing to your life other than blatant favouritism for your sister which, quite rightly, will continue to make you feel like shit.
I'm sorry you have shit parents, it sucks doesn't it 😔

Kids will grow up and resent their parents no matter what they do

I don’t resent mine, most of my friends and family don’t resent their parents. I think this kind of attitude is quite sad. Not everyone should have kids.

You are definitely not being unreasonable or spoilt. It must be very tough for you - particularly if they also treat your children differently.

(I ask very little of my parents - probably because when I’ve asked for small favours it’s been a big issue, where they do x, y, z for my siblings - so I understand how you feel)