Am I being greedy?

[Anon2468]

Trying to cut a long story short. My sister has always been a single parent, the 2 different fathers to her children have never been involved and never assisted financially. My parents have taken a parental role with my sisters children but I can understand slightly why to support her with working etc. they bought a 2nd property to rent to her cheaper than the current market value.

i had 2 children with my partner, and he was my support network with life. We never had childcare or family support due to my parents putting all their time into my sister and her children. My children have lost out on a lot of family things due to this and don’t have a close relationship with my family. They’ve never been on days out with grandparents, yet watch their cousins do this all the time.

due to life stresses, myself and my children’s father separated last year. It was amicable break up to begin with but has become extremely toxic over the year when it came down to managing selling the family home etc. we were not married so I was not entitled to anything financially. I don’t think I slept for 4 months wondering how I would afford to put a roof over my children’s heads etc. but, in the end after a lot of work and stress I’ve managed to purchase a shared ownership property.

my parents went to see the property I am purchasing with me this week, being a new build I wanted other eyes! The entire time we were there, my dad was talking to the woman who I have been dealing with the purchase of the property, wondering how he would go about buying one for my sister. this went on for over an hour and I could barely get a word in to discuss my house - I exchanged back in November 2024 so this isn’t a potential purchase… this is my home.

to clarify, my parents have sat down and discussed with me this week they are wanting to give my sister £160,000 to buy the share of the property for her, so she won’t have a mortgage. And then her universal credit payments will cover her rent side. they have made it clear they cannot afford to do the same for me at this time, but my share will be left in the will.

they asked my opinion on this, and I expressed in 30 years time £160K won’t be worth as much. My sister has gained a mortgage free share of a house with rent paid by universal credit, while il be just getting by month by month. However, I also expressed it’s their money and they can do as they wish but as they’ve asked my opinion they can have it.

Deep down it’s not actually about the money. Last year when I was at rock bottom mentally, not one family member offered to help. I have managed everything completely alone financially and mentally. I’ve tried to express its hurt me when I was struggling, no one helped. Yet now “I’ve got my own place, my sister should have one”. I’ve worked all my life and saved and been good with money. My child’s father pays child maintenance - the bare minimum possible - and so he should! And my parents justify I don’t need help because I have my children’s father. My child’s father has run me down completely, reporting me to police, social services etc for no reason - I wouldn’t say he was my support!, but obviously my parents seem to think I’m lucky compared to my sister so I don’t need any help!

its such an awkward thing inheritance and money. I’ve given them my opinion and left it. But they have concluded I’m greedy and disgusting.

I guess while writing this, I now feel I sound awful! But there has always been favouritism in the family which I have grown up with. I’ve never benefited or expected anything, but when it’s constantly justified to me “you don’t need help” when actually last year I was the lowest possible and did need my family … it hurts!

if I was still in a relationship, and financially stable with a partner I completely understand why my parents would feel the need to help my sister more. I am in the same boat as her, but I’ve actually done something to sort my life and not relied on others to hand it to me on a plate so I don’t understand how they feel it’s fair?

am I being a completely spoilt brat in the matter? Or are my feelings of being hurt justified? I feel this is the icing on the cake for me and I need to take a massive step back from my family.

This is virtually word for word what I was going to say!

YANBU They absolutely should not have had 2 kids if they weren’t prepared to parent them both. Equally.
I’m a lone parent with no input from the father and I get zero help! I only have one parent remaining who is grossly uninterested and I’m severely physically disabled! My point, is that you absolutely can manage as a lone parent with zero support so she sure as dammit can cope without your parents being her nanny, her slaves and her financiers.
Madness, absolute madness.

You should print off this thread and send it to them

OP’s life seems fine, from what she’s said. Apart from her parents being completely unfair to her.

OP I can see both sides, although I entirely disagree with your parents take on it. I guess they are trying to do the right thing but are totally off the mark.

Awesome they actually spoke to you about it, even better you gave them your honest opinion. I'm sorry they can't see your perspective.

You are also not alone. This is kind of shit is so common. It's hurtful. I think you should accept it, move on and understand that it'll probably never chnage. You lower your expectations entirely of your family and keep things surface level.

If it's any consolation you sound resilient, like you really have your shit together. Meaning, you'll be more than fine in this world and comparatively you will always succeed. It's kind of bittersweet. I wish you a beautiful life that you proudly create on your own x

I am a firm believer that children of any age should be treated the same. Why should two sisters, both adults and making decisions be treated so differently. It’s awful

i would be sending a text again setting out how you asked for help last year and got none from family, that having an ex partner means nothing, after all your sister has ex partners who your parent seem very happy not to take into account. That your sister has had cheap housing, when you had a full mortgage to pay, that you have had to work hard to get the deposit together for your new house, and she gets one paid for again. That you now have bills to pay in your own, and your parents are again not helping you. That more importantly their grandchildren are treated so differently as well .

Then I would say that moving forward they need not bother asking for anything from you, your sister can do it

My parents did v similar for my younger sister. She works FT, I am on UC with far less money and living with them. It was done because she wanted to rent a place (couldn’t afford to buy in Edinburgh) and my parents were hellbent on her not throwing money away on renting.

i was a bit jealous however I can’t say anything when I live with them FT and don’t pay much rent. I have autism and bad epilepsy and don’t feel ready to live on my own however my name is on the housing list.

So, in the same development as the one you have bought your home in, your father is now buying (outright it seems) a house for your sister?!?!?

Yikes. I can understand completely why you would be rather upset. Unless your father is buying one of those places for himself and just allowing your sister to live there...but even then, it does seem rather problematic.

Unclear what your sister's underlying problems are. Is it possible that your parents blame themselves?? Totally understandable for parents to spend more money to support a child with special needs (whatever those needs may be) - though it's not clear from your post whether this is the case here. Special needs can cover all manner of things. I know of a family who spends more on one sister because something absolutely atrocious happened to her when she was a child - her parents cannot forgive themselves (it wasn't their fault - but they can't help but blame themselves).

As for the "money in the will" - I wouldn't believe that at all unless it's actually in a trust fund or similar irrevocable instrument now. Of course it's going to be very difficult to ask about that. Though it might be possible to ask how the other house is being purchased and whose name is on the title documents.

Unclear what "shared ownership" means here - but hopefully you got a decent law firm to review all the paperwork and make sure you aren't being swindled. That said I'm someone who loathes new builds and the sales crappola that surrounds them - so take my negativity with a big pinch of salt. Just makes sure you are aware of all your consumer rights and protections that adhere along with those things.

This seems like a rather different situation. Understandable that your parents would be aghast at your sister throwing away money on rent. It may be the case that their names are on the ownership documents, so in that case there isn't any money being "given away". They likely also are trying to be fair given that you get to live with them at home and don't pay much rent - and they want your sister to be treated fairly. Unclear how long you've lived with your parents, but if it's been many years than that could easily add up to a lot of money that you've benefitted from in terms of not having to pay market level rent, and they may rightfully think they should share a similar benefit with your sister.

No it’s my sisters name on the deeds. Yeah I know I’m being unreasonable I just think in OP’s case it’s ok to feel jealous

I have been told I’ll get the same amount of money from their will but just not yet

I have been told I’ll get the same amount of money from their will but just not yet

This is a pretty bellicose "letter". And could well end up causing more drama than it solves. If the intent is to get the parents to understand that they aren't treating their children fairly then this really isn't the way to go about it - it's going to make them defensive and it's a difficult load of negativity to back away from.

Far better for the lady to do a full and fair assessment of what her parents have given her over the years (did they pay for university? what about a car? A wedding? etc etc) since she and her sister turned 18. As a general rule parents try to treat children similarly - though they may not spend money on exactly the same things for that to happen.

A very cute example (to bring the tension in the room down!) my parents have three children. One of their children, my sister, does not have kids of her own. My parents try to be as fair as possible, so they tot up the money they spend on grandkids and, instead, give "pocket money" to my sibling's pet dog :) it's explained as being so the dog has money for trips and treats. My sister has attempted to refuse such money (she doesn't need it and has never made any comment about the fact that the grandkids get money whereas she hasn't got any children), but my parents want everyone to be treated the same, and this is how they do it.

It seems like you and your sister are very differently situated. They may be very concerned that if they give you a large sum of money now you may not know what to do with it. You said yourself that you don't feel like you can live by yourself - so there's no point them giving you the deposit to buy a house as you won't be able to live in it, and you don't have the means to pay for the mortgage payment. Moreover, if they give you a load of money now you won't qualify for any government benefits that are means tested.

Many people are neurodiverse and have very good jobs (one of my siblings is autistic and also has ADHD behaviours but has a superb job - they make more than the rest of us combined!) - so you might want to consider what steps you are taking to make your life easier/become self sufficient etc etc. You might also want to stop comparing yourself to your sister: she has all the stress of a full time job and trying to live further away from your parents etc whereas you have the massive safety net of being allowed to live with your parents, apparently not working, and having them take care of most of your needs and difficulties. The money might be different, but in terms of day to day support you are getting a huge amount of benefit.

It’s mainly the epilepsy not the autism. I’m on full rate PIP

i have constant seizures. I’m just saying to Op it’s ok to be jealous even in my case it’s irrational. I keep it auiet me and my sister get on great. I left schoo at fifteen due to my fits and bullying

Her feelings are valid

I hand most of my PIP in and rest is used for hospital appointments and house repairs for if I fall and break something from a fit. Mt name is on the list for housing.

my sister also lives just down the road, we are 2 miles away from each other

im on LCWRA so declared unfit for work however in volunteer from home for the MS society. So please don’t post in that patronising way presuming I’m doing nothing.

i take care of my own needs and medication and pay for my own seizure alert dog

OP I hope you feel ok soon.

If they wanted my opinion I would tell them straight that if they do this , ignoring your struggle in the process, I would never see them again.

what awful people. My heart breaks for u op.

You are far too kind, you should blame your entitled selfish sister. I agree not as much as your parents, who I think you should consider cutting off. They’ve never supported or valued you or been there when you need them.

Surely being greedy would actually involve having had something from your parents to begin with and asking for more

Maybe explain the meaning of the word greedy and then ask them who has had everything and still wants more.

Asking for the bare minimum of emotional support and not getting it as opposed to them buying your sister 2 houses and treating her kids to all sorts of nice things whilst yours get nothing

Tell them to think again about who the greedy person is

Also why do they infantilise your sister. She is a grown woman who needs to learn to look after herself and her own children and deal with the consequences of her decisions because when they are gone if she thinks she can click her fingers and carry on demanding and expect you to take your parents place then she is going to be in big trouble and no amount of money is going to save her from how incapable they have made her

@Anon2468 Is there a significant difference in age between you and your sister? Also, is she able to attempt to seek CMS, or does she choose not to?

Sorry you're going through this, your parents seem wayyyyyyy off with their blatant preferential treatment of your sister! It does sound like distancing yourself, at least emotionally, would be doing a kindness to yourself

I thought you weren’t allowed to rent to a family member and claim housing benefit for the rent. So the set up for the first house was benefit fraud. Also the gifted £160k would be seen as getting rid of assets if care home needed in future so a LA may make a claim against the second house

when it came down to managing selling the family home etc. we were not married so I was not entitled to anything financially. I don’t think I slept for 4 months wondering how I would afford to put a roof over my children’s heads etc.

whilst you have been poorly treated by your parents, you shouldn't let the father of your children get away scot-free by not contributing towards his children, and leaving you with that burden,