Am I being greedy?

[Anon2468]

Trying to cut a long story short. My sister has always been a single parent, the 2 different fathers to her children have never been involved and never assisted financially. My parents have taken a parental role with my sisters children but I can understand slightly why to support her with working etc. they bought a 2nd property to rent to her cheaper than the current market value.

i had 2 children with my partner, and he was my support network with life. We never had childcare or family support due to my parents putting all their time into my sister and her children. My children have lost out on a lot of family things due to this and don’t have a close relationship with my family. They’ve never been on days out with grandparents, yet watch their cousins do this all the time.

due to life stresses, myself and my children’s father separated last year. It was amicable break up to begin with but has become extremely toxic over the year when it came down to managing selling the family home etc. we were not married so I was not entitled to anything financially. I don’t think I slept for 4 months wondering how I would afford to put a roof over my children’s heads etc. but, in the end after a lot of work and stress I’ve managed to purchase a shared ownership property.

my parents went to see the property I am purchasing with me this week, being a new build I wanted other eyes! The entire time we were there, my dad was talking to the woman who I have been dealing with the purchase of the property, wondering how he would go about buying one for my sister. this went on for over an hour and I could barely get a word in to discuss my house - I exchanged back in November 2024 so this isn’t a potential purchase… this is my home.

to clarify, my parents have sat down and discussed with me this week they are wanting to give my sister £160,000 to buy the share of the property for her, so she won’t have a mortgage. And then her universal credit payments will cover her rent side. they have made it clear they cannot afford to do the same for me at this time, but my share will be left in the will.

they asked my opinion on this, and I expressed in 30 years time £160K won’t be worth as much. My sister has gained a mortgage free share of a house with rent paid by universal credit, while il be just getting by month by month. However, I also expressed it’s their money and they can do as they wish but as they’ve asked my opinion they can have it.

Deep down it’s not actually about the money. Last year when I was at rock bottom mentally, not one family member offered to help. I have managed everything completely alone financially and mentally. I’ve tried to express its hurt me when I was struggling, no one helped. Yet now “I’ve got my own place, my sister should have one”. I’ve worked all my life and saved and been good with money. My child’s father pays child maintenance - the bare minimum possible - and so he should! And my parents justify I don’t need help because I have my children’s father. My child’s father has run me down completely, reporting me to police, social services etc for no reason - I wouldn’t say he was my support!, but obviously my parents seem to think I’m lucky compared to my sister so I don’t need any help!

its such an awkward thing inheritance and money. I’ve given them my opinion and left it. But they have concluded I’m greedy and disgusting.

I guess while writing this, I now feel I sound awful! But there has always been favouritism in the family which I have grown up with. I’ve never benefited or expected anything, but when it’s constantly justified to me “you don’t need help” when actually last year I was the lowest possible and did need my family … it hurts!

if I was still in a relationship, and financially stable with a partner I completely understand why my parents would feel the need to help my sister more. I am in the same boat as her, but I’ve actually done something to sort my life and not relied on others to hand it to me on a plate so I don’t understand how they feel it’s fair?

am I being a completely spoilt brat in the matter? Or are my feelings of being hurt justified? I feel this is the icing on the cake for me and I need to take a massive step back from my family.

It’s not fair OP. Your parents could end up leaving next to nothing so you’d never get your share. I would never do this to my kids.

They sound awful, sorry op. I would withdraw, my parents aren’t in my life and I’m much better for it. I dont get constantly hurt by them.

being a guarantor means they are risking the home they live in.

Not if they’ve got £160k in the bank it doesn’t.

Favouritism is a really hurtful, nasty, thing. It's incredibly sad when this is continued into the next generation, and I cannot understand why so many parents partake in it. It is obvious to all involved, and as the mum of two little children, I cannot imagine treating them any different. I have the same issues, my parents spend all their time and resources on my sibling and her children, mine are second best and have virtually no relationship with them. The grandparents are the ones that lose out. I decided to step back from my parents this year, I will not allow my children to feel that they are less than their cousins, I'd rather they have no relationship with their grandparents than that. These dynamics do not make for a close relationship with the flavoured sibling either! The fact that they won't stand up and say - this is wrong - that is on them.

This is terribly unfair. I think you need to tell them how hurt and let down you fele that when you were at rock bottom and struggling, you felt you didn't have their support.

You are not greedy, you’re just asking for a tiny bit of fairness from your parents. Mine have been similar (more about time and effort than money as far as I’m aware) but it still really hurts.

I live quite far away from my parents who are elderly now whereas my brother lives about 20 mins away from them and is helping them get to appointments etc. he made a jokey comment to me about “isn’t it your time to step up” and I put him firmly back in his box reminding him of all the free childcare he’s had etc.

Can’t understand parents not treating their children equally. So unfair and I would be so hurt if I were you.
Also unless it’s made clear in a will that you will inherit £160K that may not happen.
With three adult children we discuss everything, they know exactly what each have had. It’s clearly written in our wills.
your sister may contest the will and expect a share sounds like she has never had to think for herself.
You should be proud you have managed well and are a good example to your children. ❤️

That's not benefit fraud.

Your parents have absolutely failed. Their treatment of you is truly awful.

Im absolutely not sticking up for op parents but I dont agree with treating your children equally I think you need to treat them to meet their individual needs.

I have a similar thing in my family. 4 siblings, 3 of them (including me) done very well financially - not like millionaires but high earners. 4th sibling has done fine, I think he earns probably 50k ish, his wife has never worked they have two kids.

My parents bought them a house by remortgaging their own. They had already given all of us 20k each (in about 2002) which i used as a deposit on a little flat and my youngest brother spent on expenses and things generally. I'm pretty at peace with it. I know one of my brothers was furious but has come to terms with it. Other isn't too bothered as far as I can see.

I have had one conversation with my dad about it though which is when he tried to tell me it was actually perfectly fair as he'd even it out in the will. I said I wasn't expecting anything and I was fine with it all but obviously it was not going to "balance out". There is no way to even out one of us never having a mortgage. My dad was quite upset but he brought it up! I had never complained but found that my limit was actively pretending it was all very fair.

You're not greedy. There is clearly unfair treatment and it's completely valid to feel the way you do. It sounds like they may have bonded more with your sister and her children whilst providing support to her when you were married. That doesn't make this okay in any way though, it must be really hurtful for you and possibly for your DC if they see the difference.

Your parents aren't really parents! They don't treat you fairly or have any real interest that I can see in your DC.
They obviously don't get it or don't want to get it. Your resentment will grow, quite understandably, and the relationship is already toxic. Why do it to yourself.
I would sit down and write a very considered letter, outlining everything you have said, and stating exactly how it makes you feel. I would send it to your parents and a copy to your sister and then withdraw completely from them.
You already have a toxic ex...you don't have to suffer 3 more toxic people just because they call themselves family. I'm sure your sister will enjoy looking after your parents when they need care.

Your DPs are being very unfair Op but they seem to see your sister as a tragic victim, both the DFs of her DC left her when she was pregnant so she needs them to make up for that, you had the man who stayed so you're OK.
Pull back Op, they won't change now. You're not greedy, you're just tired of being second best

Yanbu.
Your parents are disgusting.
What on earth do they add to your life?

I see this sort of thing a lot with friends of mine and I always feel so sad for them and their children.

Your DPs are being entirely unreasonable and unfair. You must have felt so excited and proud to share your home with your parents and for them to just turn it into another opportunity to wax lyrical about how they can support your sister must have hurt terribly. You’re doing amazingly and that should have been acknowledged.

I agree with posters saying they see your sister as incapable and a victim and you as stronger and capable and that is a horrendous brush to tar your children with.

If I was you I’d have to say something and then distance myself.

Sounds to me like you’re doing a fantastic job in very difficult circumstances and your babies are lucky to have you as their mum!

I am.so angry on your behalf OP, your parents AND sister are just dreadful. I could be the sister to a point in so far as I am a single parent who until relatively recently earned a lot less than my older sister who doesn't have children and who has a partner who earns well. But the difference in how we ard treated is very marginal and I would push back against that if if were otherwise. My sister shouldn't be punished for making good choices. She and I have always said that our relationship is the most important thing and that we would not allow anything financial to get in the way of it. So it doesn't and we have clearly communicated that expectation of fairness to our parents.

So in the past your father has even refused to act as your guarantor on a rental property

So sounds like a huge significant back story

How did you manage to save a substantial deposit for a property purchase? Particularly as a single parent on UC?

They aren’t interested in helping you or your DC out, as far as they are concerned, the only one of their DC they are concerned about is your sister. You could be living on the street and they wouldn’t lift a finger for you.

This is wise advice.

I also think she'll inveigle your 160K from them too. You sound like a strong and resourceful woman and you will not suffer through the absence of your parents if you choose to go that route.

I was with my children’s father for over 10 years paying into a mortgage. When we separated I was then entitled to UC and sold the family home and used my equity to go straight into another property.. I don’t claim housing.

So you had a decent amount of money for a property purchase, which is a little different to your sister?

your father even refused to be your guarantor op…. Presumably this is a very unpleasant relationship generally?

My sister came into £40K plus compensation years ago and pissed it into nothing. She could have done something with her life but instead she spent it on other stuff knowing my parents will pick up the important finances when she “needs” it.

My deposit wasn’t enough for open market purchase on one income. I was at threat of being homeless for 4 months, and family didn’t offer to help watching me hit rock bottom. Yes I’ve made it now, I get I have a house. But I worked my butt off increasing hours to get there and basically beg for the shared ownership property due to demand in the area my chances were extremely slim getting my hands on one.

this isn’t really about money. This is deeper issues of always being left to it with no support and as soon as I’ve made it in life, they fund my sisters needs so she doesn’t get upset at what I have.

honestly - I wasn’t even allowed to tell my sisters when I booked a family holiday abroad incase she got upset about it.

i think I’ve got enough advice and answers of what I need to do next.

You are NOT being a spoilt brat, not at all. Money thing aside, you are NOT lucky compared to your sister just because your ex is around! A toxic ex-partner can give your mental health an absolute battering, and it can be worse than doing it on your own. I have made it very clear to my daughters that they should choose the father of their children very carefully, as like it or not, having kids together links you together for 18 years at least!
Anyway, YANBU as the situation has been one-sided and unfair.