Don’t want to talk to a man

[Flamingodaughter]

I F47 need to have a meeting regarding taking too much sick time off work. I’ve worked for the company for 10 years and I’ve never taken time off but I have had a run of bad luck the last few months and it has been unavoidable. The meeting is due today but I’ve just found out that my manager (female) is on holiday and the meeting will be conducted by a male manager who I know but not well. Trouble is, some of the things that have caused me issues are due to what my mum calls women problems lol. I don’t feel
very comfortable discussing my reasons for being off with this male manager. Is this unreasonable?

No you’re not being unreasonable but I’d probably grin and bear it. You might have an easier time of it with a man because he might be uncomfortable hearing it and accept it’s been a hard time? I’d probably write down key points/dates so you can focus on saying what needs to be said and just get it out there so it’s done. You could also say that you don’t feel comfortable discussing it with him and you’d like to wait till your female manager is back?

Just keep it factual - "I experienced X, or I have medical condition Y, which led to me requiring time off work". You don't have to go into gory details about periods/perimenopause/any condition when discussing with a manager, male or female.

I would hope in this day and age that a grown man in a management position would be perfectly capable of hearing about "women's problems" if it is relevant to their employees requiring time off work.

I wouldnt like it either.

I mean, he'll probably find it more difficult than you tbh. But it is what is! I think I'd try to treat it as factual as possible as a pp has already said. Make a list of dates and symptoms/diagnosis etc and maybe hand it to him to read through. He can then ask questions as he sees fit.

As others have said, keep it factual, to the point and you won’t have any issues. I’d arguably say you’re more likely to get a good response from a male manager in this situation than a female one as they can’t relate and so really are far more likely to take you at your word.

🙄 women’s problems

I’m the last person who celebrates periods or declares menopause or displays tampons on my desk. So don’t lump me in with that crowd.

But for goodness sake, you are being silly. If you’ve had a medical issue related to the female anatomy it’s nothing to hide or be embarrassed about.

tbh i don't think you should have to talk to anyone but HR about any reasons you have been off work. Especialyl medical ones. I certainly wouldn't be telling a man i barely know.

I would ask for it to be rescheduled.

I don't think a man would feel comfortable talking to a woman about his plumbing and/or reproductive parts. Unless he was a pervert of course. Some men are perverts and would love the opportunity to hear a woman list her women's health problems. I'd be speaking to the other manager when she returns.

There is no way that I would talk to my male manager about my periods.

I think I would insist on talking to a female

Yes, and don’t whisper ‘you know, women’s problems’ across the desk— it’s not the time for euphemisms or embarrassment, any more than if one of your reports missed work for prostate surgery complications. Use the medical terms, be factual, but no need for excessive detail, either. Say ‘gynaecological issues, as documented by my GP’, or whatever.

If you where a young teenager on her first job yeah fine but by sounds of it you are a grown women so stop acting like a teenager and get on with it

I actually used women’s problems ironically as that’s what my mum calls it. However I would prefer to talk to a woman manager.

I’d rather talk to a man. Thinking of the male managers at my workplace, they would feel so awkward they would discount all the sickness immediately on account of not wanting to hear any more detail 🤣.

Are you sure you have to discuss medical reasons?

We have these trigger points for sick absence and the meetings are to make sure you understand they exist and what happens if you continue to be off sick or breech the next trigger.

We speak to actually health professionals if we need to agree on what a reasonable goal is for time in work or returning to work.

I had to gave one after a series of freak accidents following a week off with flu. 'What can you do to prevent this happening again?' - bloody stupid question when you've been in an accident on public transport and knocked out by a random object walking down the street!

Is Occupational Health involved?

After all this manager is not a healthcare professional...

I would suggest that you contact HR to say that you would like a referral to Occupational Health as some of the issues are quite personal and you don't feel like discussing them with a male manager who is not your usual manager.

OH will then send them a report then they will have all the info they need to discuss issues with your attendance.

Also remember that some issues like endometriosis qualify as long-term health conditions/disabilities.

Ask about their menopause policy.

Hormonal problems
Erratic cycle

Talk about treatment being trial and error, and a phase of experimenting and adjusting doses to find something that works to manage symptoms.

What you are experiencing is a medical issue that affects many people and isn’t understood by others, just like treatment for any illness.

And sex is a protected characteristic, so health issues that are related to being female need to be accommodated.

Yes, mine too. (She refers to periods as ‘the other thing’, and thinks that men will be struck dead with shock should they glimpse a tampon in the distance, but she’s almost 80 and from a poor, extremely repressed background and culture.)

Fine if you say to the replacement that because it involves sensitive gynaecological issues, you’d rather discuss your absences either your manager after her leave. But if you do decide to go ahead with this guy, just be factual and use medical terminology. (Apart from anything else, it might be quite funny to watch him surreptitiously googling ‘dysmenorrhea’ or the like under the desk.😀)

Personally I would tell him some gory details. Most men I know would be so embarrassed by this and quickly end the meeting and sign it off as okay.
I think a female manager is more likely to come up with solutions.

This!! One of my colleagues suffers with PCOS & endo which impacts her periods horrifically, she had a meeting with management which I sat in on with her as she was able to take a support person and I was shocked to hear her female manager totally downplaying it, telling her how she was being dramatic because “we all have a period every month, I manage to be here so you can be too” etc. You don’t get that with a man!

Another friend of mine is currently pregnant and has been asking her usual manager for an OH referral (has to be done by a manager, she tried to approach OH directly and was told it had to be done by a manager) as she is starting to struggle with her normal duties, think heavy lifting, 12 hour shifts on her feet with a 20 min break, her manager has repeatedly refused because “I had a baby and managed fine”. She approached her other manager, a man, and the referral was in and acknowledged the same day.

Fair enough. Although I should have also said that really you should only be required to tell the manager “medical issue” and not need to give details. (I’m in the US so the legalities might be different). HR might be a different story but managers generally don’t rate medical information.

If it makes you feel better. In about 2 weeks I will be starting back to work after an extended medical leave for cancer treatment for my vaginal cancer. I’m going to have to figure out a good response for the inevitable “what type of cancer question”.

As I told my husband at the beginning of this I’m not shouting my cancer type from the rooftops at the same time I’m not embarrassed by it.

I wouldnt like to talk to a man. I work in a school and ive heard some male staff be extremely nasty and dismissive about our teenage student's periods.

I asked one male staff member how his day was once.

He said "it ws stressful because some of the girls were talking to me about their periods and RUBBISH LIKE THAT

He said "rubbish like that"

if you start talking gynae stuff I reckon -

(1) he’ll go bright red and the meeting will be over quickly

(2) he’ll be an enlightened man and will manage it in his stride.

Take a female representative in with you if you can’t face it alone but hopefully in this day and age the thought of periods will not be beyond a manager who is likely to have had a mother, daughter, sister, aunt etc at some point in his life!

There’s always one 🤣

People should be able to express their thoughts and feelings without being dismissed as 'silly'. How do you think your post is helpful to OP?