Don’t want to talk to a man

[Flamingodaughter]

I F47 need to have a meeting regarding taking too much sick time off work. I’ve worked for the company for 10 years and I’ve never taken time off but I have had a run of bad luck the last few months and it has been unavoidable. The meeting is due today but I’ve just found out that my manager (female) is on holiday and the meeting will be conducted by a male manager who I know but not well. Trouble is, some of the things that have caused me issues are due to what my mum calls women problems lol. I don’t feel
very comfortable discussing my reasons for being off with this male manager. Is this unreasonable?

YABU

You should not be embarrassed or ashamed of the things your body goes through.

You do not need to go into detail about your medical history, just like you wouldn’t need to with a female.

Get a note from the doctor and that will be all you need.

If you really want to speak to a female then explain it but many companies only have just males or just female managers at certain points in time and so I wonder how you would cope then.

You could always ask a female union member to support you if it helps.

Thank you.

Yes it would be unreasonable to decline this meeting, based on the manager's sex. You're a grown ass woman.

I'd purposely put my embarrassment into him.

Hi Brian, I'd expected to have this conversation with Sally. My recent bout off ill health has been gynaecological in nature. How much detail will you require? Are you comfortable having this conversation?

OP you might be pleasantly surprised. I have a female line manager at the moment, the one before her was a man. He comes across as being super assertive etc but I soooo preferred dealing with him as he was straight to the point but surprisingly empathetic.
Just be factual without going into too much detail, I’m sure he will move ‘swiftly along’ when it registers what you are talking about. Refer to you issues as ‘female conditions’. I would bet he will be very keen to end the meeting and if he pushes for details just explain you will have to get something in writing from your doctor as you feel uncomfortable discussing ‘women’s issues’. I bet he will be glad to get the discussion done and dusted!
I am returning to work soon after a few weeks off due to spinal issues. I am absolutely dreading the ‘back to work’ meeting (interrogation). I would rather chew my arm off than meet with her and I am slightly long in the tooth and have over 20 years experience in my field.
wishing you good luck!

I mean, who honestly (apart from one or two other posters here) really wants to talk about their intimate parts with a man. Quite frankly I doubt many men would jump for joy at the thought of talking about genital discharge with a female manager. Try telling them to celebrate it! Anwyway OP, I actually think you might be better off with a bloke. He'll probably curl up with embarrassment, take your word for it and end the meeting early.

@Flamingodaughter personally I think YANBU. We are all different and given how important the conversation is, the onus is on you to be proactive to ensure you’re not inhibited in any way in fully expressing your health concerns and reasons for your absence. I’m sure your company would want you to be comfortable in this meeting. Eg though born in Britain, my parents are of a different culture and so strict I wasn’t even allowed to watch men’s sports or having any male friends. It ended up me being a mouse through my 20s and 30s, unable to even look at men. You wouldn’t know it you’d just think I was quiet and shy. So I know this isn’t you but it still stands that some of us are somewhere on that spectrum between totally okay and totally not. I would expect the same support for a male also if he didn’t wish to discuss with a female.

Your not being ‘silly’ and being able to advocate for yourself is a critical skill which I learned too late in life and if I’d had kids I’d certainly be teaching them about it.

Why on earth would they need to discuss "intimate parts" or "genital discharge" with their manager in the context of this meeting? That level of detail would absolutely not be required.

Yanbu.

Just say I do not feel comfortable discussing the specifics of my medical issues.
Suffice to say I have some persistent medical issues that I am being treated for.

He's not a doctor, none of his business.
Do not feel pressured into sharing information that is private.

This was my thought too. Same with teachers. My daughter had a run of male teachers. All brilliant, but the school was generally arsey about leaving class for the toilet. I taught to tell them factually if you are leaking through your pad, or you've unexpectedly come on, they've grown ups, they know what periods are...

All the men were much easier going with allowing a time out of lesson for toilet if needed. They didn't want to discuss it.
The female teachers - sort your pad in the morning, change it morning break, wait til lunchtime... Ffs, these girls were only just getting used to wearing a pad. Grrr, it used to rile me.

Well if you talk about menstruation at all, you are talking about genital discharge aren't you?

Discharge is anything coming out of your vagina

I thought the whole premise of the OP's thread was the fact that she has to attend a meeting with a manager due to lengthy sickness. The manager in question is not her usual female manager but an unfamiliar male manager. The reason for her sickness is due to gynaecological problems and she says "I don’t feel very comfortable discussing my reasons for being off with this male manager. "

So the OP is obviously expecting that level of detail to be required. My comment was in response to the information and concerns expressed by the OP. OK?

In my twenties I worked for the (male) senior partner of a law firm. He phoned to enquire exactly why I was off and when I would be expected back. I told him I had a pelvic infection and on antibiotics. He immediately said oh take as much time as you need and put the phone down! 😂 I had already informed the female HR and she was less than sympathetic.

I’ve had a female gynae tell me my severe endometriosis was just part of being a woman and I should just get on with it.

A female HR ask me repeatedly why I looked pale and irritable when on my
period. Again, she knew about the endo and I also had PMDD.

I would much rather speak to a male every time!

I have endometriosis. I have discussed it with my manager. I have never once needed to use graphic descriptions. Simply saying "I have a condition called endometriosis, I require surgical treatment and need 2 weeks off to recover" has been sufficient.

You are unreasonable not to want to talk to a man about "gynaecological problems" as in literally using those words only. If they need more detail than that, I would completely question why, and request a further meeting with the female manager.

No one's saying you have to use graphic descriptions.

We are saying that if we talk about menstruation at all, we are talking about blood coming out of our vagina.

Some women would not be comfortable talking about that to a man.

The same as a man would probably cringe at talking about a penis infection to a female manager

In my experience of back to work interviews,I've found male managers far more sympathetic than female ones.

Lol at the amount that say intimate parts erm no your not talking about your intimate parts your talking about a fact of life. Thought we were past the days of embarrassment tbh, I have no problem talking to male or female and I'm not old it's a fact of life

So would you go in and tell your male colleague that you are having your period.

Ive never told my male colleagues this.

Agree. Several women I encountered seemed to feel that because they 'could deal with the pain and get to the office' everyone should.

Some women have no bad experiences with periods or gynaecological problems and can be quite scathing of those that do.

I find men to be much more sympathetic and even more so if they have wives that suffer too.

It defnitely depends on the men and women.

I work in a school. If the teenage girls have painful periods and want to get out of class, the female staff are much kinder and sympathetic to the girls, than the male staff are.

Ive seen female teachers go and get pads. I, myself have many times checked in on girls and sympathised with their period pain

I have seen male teaching staff be rude and dismissive about the girl's periods. One called periods "rubbish like that".

Well it's no wonder why society still doesn't take women's health seriously.

Are you receiving/did you receive medical support/care for your illness? I used to be a female manager of females (NHS) and where there had been medical support, this all went through Occy Health and we were just told that the sickness absence between xxx and xxx was ok. Often the person would choose to tell us more detail themselves but they didn't have to. We would have to ask for more detail if there had been no medical support but only in very general terms. I do sympathise with your feelings but I think you need to bite the bullet a bit on this one.

They dont give a shit.

I went to a male doctor with severe period pain, much worse than usual, and i was getting the pain a week before my period aswell.

The doctor told me that i had constipation.