Don’t want to talk to a man

[Flamingodaughter]

I F47 need to have a meeting regarding taking too much sick time off work. I’ve worked for the company for 10 years and I’ve never taken time off but I have had a run of bad luck the last few months and it has been unavoidable. The meeting is due today but I’ve just found out that my manager (female) is on holiday and the meeting will be conducted by a male manager who I know but not well. Trouble is, some of the things that have caused me issues are due to what my mum calls women problems lol. I don’t feel
very comfortable discussing my reasons for being off with this male manager. Is this unreasonable?

You will not be expected to go into detail about the nature of your problems OP. Assuming you have been to a doctor about the matter in question, all you need to say is that you have been off work on medical grounds and you can provide justification of your appointments to show this. Neither he nor the female manager would have the right to ask you exactly what the problem was.

@MyUmberSeal that was my initial thought. I am not easily embarrassed but we are all different. Reminds me of a former colleague who needed to go home at lunchtime. Our male head teacher was very brusquely asking her why. She eventually bellowed across the staff room ‘my period is extremely heavy and I need to change my sanitary towel’. I have never seen anyone slope off so quickly 😂. Sorry you are feeling like this @Flamingodaughter .

They don't have to discuss menstruation with their manager. Neither would a man have to discuss a penis infection with their manager. That level of detail is not required in these meetings.

I appreciate that people have differing levels of comfort when it comes to discussing the human body, but an employee is not required to divulge personal medical information to their manager.

If it was relevant, yes I would. It shouldn't come as a shock to an adult that women have periods.

If you only have a male line manager and all the other senior managers are male, what are you supposed to do. I don't have a choice where I work but I would say that mostly it is brief and to the point probably due to slightly awkwardness.

Oh blimey, do you think people will actually ask you this?!

I think I'd have an answer ready that spins it round on them. Something like "That's a very personal question to ask, isn't it?!" Hopefully that might shame them into shutting up.

Failing that, if you really want to give an answer without saying vaginal cancer, I'd say it's a "gynaecological" cancer. Informative enough without disclosing personal details.

I hope your treatment has gone well and your return to work goes smoothly 💐

I have a male manager and two female managers, so luckily i have the option. If i was going to talk to any of them about periods, i would talk to the women.

It would be rare to have only male managers no? There is often a female somewhere, either higher up or same level. Or in HR

No one has any right to know about your medical conditions, and they shouldn’t ask. I’d start off by reminding them of the 10 years’ worth of reliable attendance you’ve clocked up. Does that count for nothing?

YABU. Men are often much kinder than women about these issues IME.

Not in my experience.

I have heard a man at work say that menstruation was a load of rubbish.

Thanks! Still in treatment but it’s going well !

I’m likely to go the funny route… “Well since it’s a spot that will usually get you a meeting with HR for discussing at work I’ll should probably not answer you”

I would not be ashamed or embarrassed to be factual if my boss asked. But it’s unlikely he will since he didn’t before I went out on leave (nor did my HR).

Well, my experience is different. That man was obviously incredibly ignorant and stupid. However, overall, I have found women to be quite unsympathetic about 'women's troubles': they either haven't experienced them as badly themselves, or if they have, they have the attitude that they fought through it so why shouldn't you. Men have been IME more respectful of the fact that it isn't something they have experienced themselves. The best gynaecologist I ever saw was male.

Yes that is your experience.

My experience is totally different. I have seen men be extremely dismissive about periods at work.

I also went to a make doctor about very painful periods, and he conpletely dismissed me.

Which just goes to show that its not "all men are nicer about menstruation than women, or all women are nicer about menstruation than men".

It depends on the individial people. Some men are absolute assholes about menstruation. Some women are dismissive because they have been through periods themselves and got on with it.

Other people in both genders are kinder.

Well I don’t think he will be expecting details. Just say due to “women’s issues” or “menapause” I have been experiencing C Y Z and I think that will be it. It will likely be more him seeing if there’s any help they can offer you.

I find this too, other women are the worst! Why? Maybe because that’s how they weee treated? It’s so bizarre

And if th HR rep was male?

it’s in a professional capacity there is no reason to be awkward

The twice I had to explain a female issue to a male manager I didn’t get far enough to explain - they winced, wriggled and one sent me straight home, no, no need to do this or that first, just go. The other just offered me so much support in terms of RAs without even knowing if anything, or what could help, might be needed it was quite surprising.
Fenales where I’ve worked seem mainly ok but some can be arsy, if for example they don’t connect with what you are experiencing, or if they feel women should power through to show the guys we are tough or something.
However, if you are uncomfortable with a male manager, and know your female one well that’s difficult and it’s just horribly awkward and embarrassing I know. I’m not sure if your company policy would allow a delay if you explain? If not I would be up front and say I find it very awkward to discuss with you but the basics are this, this and it leaves me feeling that. Say there is more detail if necessary- but I’m not sure it should be as actually work should accept you are/have been sick on your say so or maybe a fit note depending on length of time off - no need to expand. Any reasonable adjustments you may need can be discussed with an occupational health person not the manager beyond the basic I think I need this.
Best of luck with it all.

In every company I’ve worked for it would be the manager who does return to work and sickness interviews by the sounds of it OP s level of sickness has triggered the sickness process
HR just police the rules and policies
attend meeting to make sure everything done right in an advisory capacity rather than run the meeting

Exactly. Just be factual and detailed. They won't want to hear it 😂

You are not being unreasonable to feel uncomfortable but I have to say I have always found males to be far more sympathetic than females with this. I have endometriosis and male doctors where fantastic, where as I had the comment " well we all have periods, some of us just get on with it" from a female Dr. I have a pretty high pain threshold and this was not just normal period pain. The same has gone for male bosses too. So personally I would rather talk to a male than female - they tend to be a bit scared of the whole thing tbh 😆

My male manager was great when I had to explain endometriosis and my operation in detail. I could have lost my job but didn’t

My friend actually did this. It was a very short meeting and, you're right, he couldn't get rid of her quick enough.

I sometimes find women more dismissive of women’s problems. Went to GP many times. All different ones as all locums
as you never see same GP twice. Was told irregular heavy bleeding and pain is normal when it’s not happened before.

saw male GP and sent for tests. They found small fibroids.

you shouldn’t have to go into great detail about why you have been off and take someone with you.
just get the meeting over with as you don’t know how long your manager will be off.

is there a menopause policy at your employer?

I worked in a school and no support from female managers when I was heavy bleeding through my clothes and needed to go home to get cleaned up. Was told to ensure I have spare clothes in school.
one time I had to call school secretary to come supervise the class as I was bleeding down my leg!

women aren’t always kind to other women.

This with bells on ^
He'll probably be so embarrassed (and you can bamboozle him with science) that you'll fly through the meeting

Now there are two.

I think you’re being ridiculous.

If it were me I would tell him I’ve been passing blood clots the size of golf balls out of my vagina and ask if he needs further details.