WYB miffed? Dd in hospital and dh fucked off to Glastonbury?

[Hopetheportaloosareminging]

Just that really.

Long story short, dd 12 has been in and out of hospital the last couple of weeks having to have her obs done as a result of an ED that has really accelerated in the last few weeks. It has been extremely stressful and is obviously upsetting. She’s under camhs and they took her readings last week resulting in me having to take her to A&E. She then had a ward review yesterday and her readings were so low they kept her in overnight. I stayed with her.

DH has been mentioning going to Glastonbury for a while to meet up with an old friend who goes every year. They haven’t been able to get tickets but h seems convinced they’ll be able to bribe someone his friend knows and get in 🙄 apparently “loads of people do it”.

I left the house for her appointment yesterday at 12pm (was supposed to just be a routine appointment) and didn’t manage to ring him until about 7pm as there was no signal in the hospital. I thought he’d have been trying to ring me but no, nothing. He has a stressful job (wfh) and I don’t honestly think he’d even given it a thought. He can be very one track minded.

He has form for being uncaring and unempathetic (I suspect he’s autistic - he has a lot of traits) but we nearly split last year after a build up of issues and he’s been like a changed man since. A lot more caring and considerate. I am starting to notice a few of the old behaviours creeping in though.

Came home last night to get some overnight stuff and after asking how it went/how dd was etc he was like “oh, I’m not going to be able to go to the festival now am I?” I said “it’s up to you, I’m not going to stop you - yes go if you want!” I said (in a jokey way) “it’s on your conscience” But quite honestly I thought he wouldn’t go.
Had a horrible night in the hospital. I’ve had one text from him this morning which I responded to telling him they were still concerned about her blood pressure/heart rate being low and low blood sugar etc and wasn’t sure whether they were keeping her in or not. The dr has now let us come home (he doesnt know this yet - I tried to ring him as we were leaving but he didn’t answer) but we have a nurse coming out at the weekend to check on her and do more obs, so it’s pretty serious. They said if she doesn’t improve over the next couple of weeks it will be another hospital admittance and complete bed rest with a feeding plan which is usually for two weeks.

Anyway, got home and he’s not here - he’s fucked off to Glastonbury!! No message either since the one this morning. No note, he’s just gone and when I asked ds he said “I think he’s gone to Glastonbury” (ds is a typical teenage boy hooked up to his Xbox and probably wouldn’t notice if the house was burning down)!

Im not angry I just think he’s a selfish arse and I’m a bit incredulous really. Can you imagine one of us mum’s doing that? It’s not even like he has a ticket and would lose the money.

Oh, and it’s our anniversary this weekend which I’m guessing he’ll be missing too.

He isn’t a sociable or “going out with the lads” type of person usually - this is a one off to be fair to him. He is a good dad generally, just often seems to be missing some kind of empathy gene. I know he’ll be thinking “it makes no difference whether I’m there or not”. But what if they’d kept her in and I needed him to bring stuff/come and take over for a bit? It’s selfish and unthinking imo.

Anyway, I think I just wanted to get opinions really. Feeling a bit upset and like “no, he hasn’t changed really has he?”

But maybe IABU and it’s not a big deal bc she’s not in imminent danger?

She didn’t tell him to go though, did she? People are acting like she said “darling you MUST go, it’s such a great opportunity, DD would want you to go to Glastonbury.” I read it as, she can’t stop him going if he wants to, and that the decision is his to make, using HIS conscience. He made the wrong call, OP.

I mean, I haven’t RTFT but I’d be fucking leaving him for that.

I’d be deciding how long I’m waiting until I give him hell on the family chat. Something along the lines of, just wondering how many more hours it’s going to be before you remember your daughter has just been discharged from hospital.
But mine would know he’d be dead if he suggested going to a festival in these circumstances.

Quite. I couldn't agree less with the posters who are keeping on with "buuuut you said he could go, OP, so..." as though that magically removes the H's need to for any critical, logical or emotional thinking or response whatsoever.

No decent person would be within 10 yards of this situation. Absolutely awful for you, OP, and an emotional road ahead for your DD, as she goes through the stages of processing her dad's behaviour while she's so ill.

hope he bloody drowns .

WOW. I'd be expecting divorce bells if I were him.

Does he even realise/care the effect his selfish behaviour must have on his daughter's mental health? What a waste of oxygen he is. Some people don't deserve to be parents. I am absolutely enraged on your behalf, OP!!

Thank you myrtleWilson
I will definitely have a look on there. I haven’t been doing muchMN-ing the past few weeks it’s been quite hectic.

Ive been on here for years and the support and advice of the many amazing women on here never ceases to amaze me. It’s like
having a massive bunch of kick-ass, knowledgable-about-everything friends and helps you find support when you’re feeling very alone.

God I’m crying now. It’s all been a lot 😢

Thanks so much you ‘orrible nest of vipers!

Completely agree. It shouldn't have even been a question he asked in the first place!!

You sound like a lovely mom. I used to work in an ED unit and god it was so stressful and terrifying.

I would do this but he’d probably use it as ammo of how “petty” I am and ruining his fun.
I think he started it anyway so I can’t 😡

@Hopetheportaloosareminging even if you did jokingly say he could go, he bloody snuck off without any kind of ‘are you sure this is ok’ contact leaving you to come home and fine out. I’d be done with him, his priorities are way off. The absolute fucker.

Also @Hopetheportaloosareminging send him a link to this thread!

@Hopetheportaloosareminging do join the thread - it is an amazing place of support where you can be completey honest about the shit show that is an ED

Think you are correct, it fits with his other immature and selfish behaviour, what a git he is.

Damn, OP.

He is a major arsehole.

You are stressed, exhausted, bored, worried worried worried... spending hours at hospital and figuring out what to do for best with dd.

It's not going to Glasto that would have made me bag up his stuff and chuck it out the front door. It would have been getting home from hospital and him asking you what you had planned for dinner.

WTF does he think about you? Does he ever ask what you want? Does he care? It's not just the clear lack of love, it's actually scorn. You are made to sit in hospital and still make sure the sheets and towels are washed and the fridge is full and make a plan for dinner. He works and plays. You work. He earned it. You never can.

I'm just really sorry, OP. You do not deserve this.

He is a husband and the father of a very unwell daughter not Kevin the teenager!

Then remove yourself. Start another for you + dc.

I would at least post an update on your dd, whilst ignoring his pathetic posts. Not necessarily aimed at him, just a general update. your dd should see you're keeping the family informed about her. Don't even acknowledge his posts. He will 100% otherwise say, 'but you should have kept me updated'

I'm really sorry OP, this is such shitty behaviour from him towards you and your daughter. And a terrible example he's setting to your son! He absolutely shouldn't have gone, and he shouldn't have wanted to. Also - he sounds like a dickhead for expecting to be able to get into Glastonbury without a ticket, secutity is notoriously tight these days.
I hope everything is OK with the obs checks this weekend.

Any talk about "well you told him to go if he wanted" is absolute BOLLOCKS.

OP, why are you not currently at Glastonbury? (Or a spa, or the theatre or whatever you do for fun). Is it because your husband has not said "go if you want"? Or is it because you are a PARENT and your child is seriously ill and therefore it simply does not cross your mind to be elsewhere, "permission" from your spouse or not?

He's a fucking bell end. Why are so many fathers like this? I don't know a single mother who would be at Glastonbury under these circumstances, but I can imagine plenty of the dads I know doing the same.

How does your daughter feel about all of this?

I appreciate how hard this must be for you and you have my utmost sympathy but I can’t see where this has been covered? How do her siblings feel, also?
Having had an ED myself it started when I felt utterly lost during my parents divorce and the focus being on my sister’s MH, which was in the pits, but a louder cry for help. I was unnoticed and just withered away, somewhat. It’s a very selfish disease, as it definitely wants to be seen (whilst also wanting to stay very secret). My self worth would have been in the gutter if my dad had done what your husband has done this weekend.

As parents you absolutely need to take a step away at points as it’s so all encompassing it’s too much. But you have to do it quietly. Also, when do you get to take a moment (and not a fuck off festival, but even a second to have a cry)

Dont stay for the sake of the kids. You and they are worth so much more than that fucker. And your daughter might be able to heal without his bullshit clouding her every day.

He had a ticket OP, he didn’t sneak his way in!

I would kill him ! What a selfish man !

Well change how you say it. "I don't know why you are asking me what to do. IMO, a decent person would stay and look after their hospitalised child. I'm not making the decision for you "

@Hopetheportaloosareminging as prev poster said. Only reply to him giving info about your daughter.
Completely ignore anything from him unless it's a query about your children.
Send him regular updates.
Do not get sucked into, You said I could go, discussions.
Please, for the love of god, make a separation plan.
You are not doing anyone any favours by staying together. Your children are just learning over and over that you are a pushover and dad can do as he likes. Son won't respect women. Daughter won't respect herself. Mitigate the damage and repair as much as you can by standing up for yourself and your family while you still can. Tell your children you all deserve better and change your family dynamic now.