WYB miffed? Dd in hospital and dh fucked off to Glastonbury?

[Hopetheportaloosareminging]

Just that really.

Long story short, dd 12 has been in and out of hospital the last couple of weeks having to have her obs done as a result of an ED that has really accelerated in the last few weeks. It has been extremely stressful and is obviously upsetting. She’s under camhs and they took her readings last week resulting in me having to take her to A&E. She then had a ward review yesterday and her readings were so low they kept her in overnight. I stayed with her.

DH has been mentioning going to Glastonbury for a while to meet up with an old friend who goes every year. They haven’t been able to get tickets but h seems convinced they’ll be able to bribe someone his friend knows and get in 🙄 apparently “loads of people do it”.

I left the house for her appointment yesterday at 12pm (was supposed to just be a routine appointment) and didn’t manage to ring him until about 7pm as there was no signal in the hospital. I thought he’d have been trying to ring me but no, nothing. He has a stressful job (wfh) and I don’t honestly think he’d even given it a thought. He can be very one track minded.

He has form for being uncaring and unempathetic (I suspect he’s autistic - he has a lot of traits) but we nearly split last year after a build up of issues and he’s been like a changed man since. A lot more caring and considerate. I am starting to notice a few of the old behaviours creeping in though.

Came home last night to get some overnight stuff and after asking how it went/how dd was etc he was like “oh, I’m not going to be able to go to the festival now am I?” I said “it’s up to you, I’m not going to stop you - yes go if you want!” I said (in a jokey way) “it’s on your conscience” But quite honestly I thought he wouldn’t go.
Had a horrible night in the hospital. I’ve had one text from him this morning which I responded to telling him they were still concerned about her blood pressure/heart rate being low and low blood sugar etc and wasn’t sure whether they were keeping her in or not. The dr has now let us come home (he doesnt know this yet - I tried to ring him as we were leaving but he didn’t answer) but we have a nurse coming out at the weekend to check on her and do more obs, so it’s pretty serious. They said if she doesn’t improve over the next couple of weeks it will be another hospital admittance and complete bed rest with a feeding plan which is usually for two weeks.

Anyway, got home and he’s not here - he’s fucked off to Glastonbury!! No message either since the one this morning. No note, he’s just gone and when I asked ds he said “I think he’s gone to Glastonbury” (ds is a typical teenage boy hooked up to his Xbox and probably wouldn’t notice if the house was burning down)!

Im not angry I just think he’s a selfish arse and I’m a bit incredulous really. Can you imagine one of us mum’s doing that? It’s not even like he has a ticket and would lose the money.

Oh, and it’s our anniversary this weekend which I’m guessing he’ll be missing too.

He isn’t a sociable or “going out with the lads” type of person usually - this is a one off to be fair to him. He is a good dad generally, just often seems to be missing some kind of empathy gene. I know he’ll be thinking “it makes no difference whether I’m there or not”. But what if they’d kept her in and I needed him to bring stuff/come and take over for a bit? It’s selfish and unthinking imo.

Anyway, I think I just wanted to get opinions really. Feeling a bit upset and like “no, he hasn’t changed really has he?”

But maybe IABU and it’s not a big deal bc she’s not in imminent danger?

I wish we still had the laugh emoji.

You lot a really helping, thanks so much 🤗

Unless he has time travelled back to 1994 he won’t get in without a ticket. We are quite local and even the teenagers know not to do this.

They're just narcissistic twats tbh.

I married one too. Been divorced a decade ish.

He's still the same. Has just dumped DS again and booked a holiday without any discussion. I've had to adapt my plans and suck it up as usual.

Wow I’d be really sad initially OP but after the picture I’d be bloody livid.
although he can argue you didn’t say he can’t go I would say it was an opportunity to show putting his family first rather than himself.. which he failed.

I'd be so angry, especially at his last text. I would post "we've also just got in. From hospital!" so that the rest of the family can see what an absolute wazzock he is.

Honestly if you are at the point where you have to tell somebody not to go partying when their child is sick, and to cook dinner for your children when they are at home and you are sitting with another child in hospital all day, and generally give step by step instructions on how to be a barely adequate partner, and if they don’t do something then it’s your fault for not spelling it out clearly enough, what on earth is the point?

Plus OP did ask him to pick her up after her surgery, and to take their daughter to therapy. And he just flatly refused because it didn’t suit.

I am genuinely shocked at the posters who are saying 'you gave him permission to go.' What a truly and utterly bizarre response. The OP's husband is a functioning adult, not a bloody child! The idea that he would 'get permission' and then just go off and leave his wife and ill child to fend for themselves is ludicrous.

OP you're so used to this behaviour that you can't see it for what it is - total selfishness. A decent husband would be checking in every hour, bringing you things, getting you food, doing whatever he could to make this very worrying and difficult situation better. He would never dream of fucking off down the country, no matter whether he had 'permission' or not.

Great idea

Ugg I’m amazed he got in. I was really hoping he’d be back all sheepish. The worst thing is that now he has got in, he’ll be an absolute waste of space until Tuesday as a minimum as he’ll be tired and hungover if he stays until the end.

Do you think he’s minimising the possible impact of the ED? I’d be so cross. It’s such a serious and nasty illness. You must be beside yourself with worry and furious at having to deal with him buggering off to play festivals.

God, thats so upsetting to even read. I’m so so sorry that happened to you ❤️

Those examples of his selfishness and lack of care for his family are just terrible! Being too busy to pick up his wife after an operation under general anaesthetic and too busy to take his daughter to her therapy session. He doesn't deserve you and he doesn't deserve his kids.

I think you need to think again about separating and don't let him talk you round this time.

I really hope that he drops his wallet down the toilet and then gets stuck head first whilst he tries to retrieve it.

It sounds more like your DH has a personality disorder.

I'm so sorry OP. 💐 The sense I get from what you've posted about your pathetic excuse of a 'husband' is that he sounds narcissistic. I know that term gets banded about willy nilly these days, but it truly sounds like the term fits him. He has a grandiose sense of his own importance, he's too busy, he's the only one that really matters and that is what he has shown you by his actions after your GA and now, when your DD is SERIOUSLY ill, he's posting in a family WhatsApp group, purporting to 'how great he is' again, the sense of grandiosity is off the scale! It's very cold and quite sinister!

It sounds like he is a dickhead

This would’ve been the right response. You are all absolutely right and I wish I could go back in time to yesterday (although maybe not bc then we’d have to stay on the ward again with me in my little camp bed and things bleeping all night lol)

Freedom of choice does not equate to freedom from consequence

I love this btw - I am borrowing many of the things you guys have said when I message him.

It genuinely doesn't matter what you said to him. You absolutely must let go of the idea that you're responsible for his choices. You could have begged and pleaded with him to go. He still should have stayed at home because his daughter is very ill and his wife needs him.

https://www.upi.com/Odd_News/2016/08/29/Man-trying-to-rescue-cellphone-gets-trapped-in-portable-toilets-poop-tank/2021472482627/

Like this, only worse.

I think most men are inherently selfish, in a way women aren't. Funking off on a jolly just makes me think manchild.His child is ill and he can't cope. Women would be slated for that. Hope DD is OK, you sound an excellent mum

Miffed? I would be livid. It's inexcusable. He's left you to to deal with your daughter being quite seriously unwell, he barely seems to even care how his daughter is, or how you are in handling all this, and he hasn't bothered to shoulder a bit of responsibility for the home and other children. He's adding to your burden. He can apparently handle a stressful job but all the home stress is on you? Nope nope nope. He's a selfish, selfish man.

I think yabu to have told him it was OK to go when it's clearly not.

It would be the end of the road for me. I recently had a dc in hospital and dh rallied around. We were both done in by the end of the week. Dc was fine!

I'd pack his bags and change the locks. He can sofa surf with his glastonbury mate like it's 1993.

Also the “well you told him to go” crowd are pathetic. Why does this call have to be made by the op? She’s not his mother or his boss she’s got enough to redo with. Everyone knows when someone is asked something it’s very difficult for the askee to lay down the law and say “ actually I do mind” as you are immediately the bad guy. A decent adult wouldn’t even have asked just quietly would not have gone.

“Glad to see your having fun, your daughters on weekend release from hospital btw just got back”

I think though even saying along the lines of “you have a seriously ill daughter, I can’t make those kids of choices for you”…. Tells him that the right thing to do is to not go.
as much as a knob as he’s been, at least you now KNOW what his choice was, as you didn’t have to tell him what the right thing to do was.

Perhaps to care about their daughter in hospital? To not want to go away when she is ill? To be a dad to her?