Meeting ex half way for child handover- too far

[boredwfh]

i split with my ex who I have one DD8 and originally I rented a new house in the same town only 10 mins away from my ex.
I then met a new partner and moved to a village 30 mins away from exes house. Better village, nicer school etc. This was a place that my ex had always wanted to live or the surrounding villages & he talked for a while of selling up & moving nearer to us.
The child arrangements have always been that he has her every Friday around 4.30pm till Monday at 7.30am. I do school drop offs and pick ups mon-Fri. He can’t have her in the week due to schooling & even when we lived in the same town it was always every weekend he had her due to work. If either of us want a weekend off or I want a weekend with her we swap about but generally means he just loses time with her as he can’t make it up by having her in the week. I don’t claim any child maintenance off him even though I do have her 4 nights a week & generally more nights over the course of a year. Both high earners & I just cba. That’s a story for another day.
Anyway we currently meet halfway between our homes so about 15 mins each way for each of us, maybe 20 mins each way for him dependent on traffic. However about a yr ago he met a new partner who lives over an hour away & has a child who is 5. He has now decided to sell up & move in with her nearer to where she is currently living. This is an hour away from where I live further up north, completely different county & will be rubbish commute in rush hour traffic.
He now wants me to do an hour round trip to meet him at a new half way point to his new house. This is too much on a Friday night and a Monday morning. I personally don’t think he’s thought this through at all. My DD8 already hates getting up earlier on a Monday for the 30 min trip to get to mine & she’s going to hate doing an hour or more going forwards on a Monday morning. I also said in a few years she’ll not want to spend every weekend with him & will want to spend it with friends and he’ll see less of her- but still he plans to press ahead & move.
He thinks I’m being completely unreasonable not meeting him half way to his new house as he did it when I moved. My point is that I only moved 30 mins away. Not more than 1 hour or more in rush hour traffic & it’s not my problem he’s decided to do this. It’s simply too far and is too much for me especially when I have work on a Monday & it’s already a rush to wake up early to pick her up at 7.30 am & then do the school run all before work.
So am I being unreasonable to say no ex should do drop off to equivalent distance/time as now or should I say yes I’ll do an hour round trip on a Friday night & Monday morning to meet him?

Does he pay for anything for your daughter?

You've been super reasonable working around his schedule so he can go to work and have the week to himself.

Tell him you can't accomodate this extra commute time, sort of like he can't accomodate Friday and Monday school run.

You'll go to the usual meeting point, he can do the extra drive.

I was always v strict on this. When my ex and I separated he made a big deal about staying local so he could do bedtimes a couple of hours a week, which I was fine with. And then he moved further and further away. He's now about 90 minutes down the motorway and seeing his son is very much a him problem. I'll meet him halfway or drop off if he has something going on, but the default is - he moved (and moved and moved), he needs to make the effort.

And in fairness to him, he does. But he's never paid any maintenance, so...

He won’t take her to court, he’ll be told to pay child maintenance. It will be a lot of money if he’s a high earner. He also won’t get every weekend as the courts will consider this as special time and will likely have it cut to every other weekend as he can’t do the week time anyway.

Poor child, he hasn't put her first.
You've both moved on with partners. The goalposts keep moving to satisfy the parents need and wants.

You have brought a whole load of new issues in from you started the thread. But on the distance thing. You moved half an hour away. He could have made you do all the travel or oppose the move. Did you also change your child’s school? All he has done is move half an hour away so I don’t think you should complain about that. It’s not different, it’s likely less upheaval than what you did. Your daughter already has to get up early and travel because you moved.
All the other issues are a different matter. If it’s about maintenance and you have no intention of claiming it then tell him that. Can’t he leave her back at Sunday bedtime rather than 5pm also?

You're both going to be biased to your own preferences, so taking it to court might be the best option, or mediation?

Don't forget that the one person that truly matters in all of this is your DC. What is best for her?

I can't help but think the current arrangement is very unfair on you OP. You get to do all the "boring" bits of school runs, homework, etc, while he gets every single weekend to play Disney dad and do fun stuff with her. When do you ever get to see her at the weekend?? Wouldn't you want to spend some "off" time with her without having to wait for the school holidays??

Whilst not ideal, I don’t think it’s a huge deal.

What should be happening is that she comes to you on a Monday morning all ready for school - school clothes, bag/lunch all ready for the day. That would mean you didn’t need to go back home after meeting them.

Or he does the Monday morning drop off.

I’m pleased to see you have decided to formalise this through court.
EOW, returned on a Sunday is ideally what you want. You do all of the school runs so ensure you press for h8m doing collection Friday and drop off Sunday.
Them go for maintenance- nobody knows what the future holds. He might be a high earner now but with his drink/drug history that could change in a heartbeat,

Put the maintenance away for her (uni, house deposit) if you can afford to but don’t let him get away with spending all of his money on his ‘new family’ so your daughter gets nothing from him.

Parents squabbling over how inconvenient their child is to them is really damaging for the children. Make sure she doesn't hear any of this and isn't ever aware of the 'need a weekend off let's swap' narrative. It's grotesque.

Edited to add that I'm sorry if that sounded harsh but I was that child and reading posts like this really trigger me. It's horrible being treated like a negotiation between parents who've both moved on, or a piece of luggage to be moved about.

He’s going to have to get more flexible as she gets older. When she wants to see her friends how is he going to facilitate that? He’s going to have to do the hour drive, and then pick her up a few hours later. he’s got no clue about how this is going to play out with teens and secondary schools is he.

why does she spend every weekend there? It sounds like she’s missing out on time at home with you and just relaxing instead of at her weekend holiday home.

has anyone asked her what she wants?

I’m pretty sure they have to go to mediation first anyway before a court application is accepted.

Also be op just because you do all the school runs doesn’t mean you will get a judge to agree to ex doing Friday pick ups and Sunday drops offs as a pp suggested. In our case the judge still made dh ex do a Sunday pick up.

I made it crystal clear to my ex that if he moved, he paid for the petrol and did the driving. End of conversation, just put your foot down.

I'd just put my foot down and say every other weekend, Friday to Sunday.

He's got a drink problem and has literally been done for drink driving with your DD in the car. I'd be VERY reluctant to let my children stay EVER with someone capable of that. Plus he's not paying maintenance so has no leverage over you in that way anyway. He can see your daughter on your terms. Good luck to him taking you to court when he sounds like the very definition of a deadbeat dad.

I was this kid too! Hideous dropoffs and pickups in motorway service stations along the M5. I still know them all by name! Parents arguing about who SHOULDN'T have to pay for you. It's so damaging to any kid's self-esteem, being treated like an unwanted piece of baggage.

He can pick her up from school/afterschool club/childminder on a Friday and then drop her at school/breakfast club/childminder on a Monday morning. He’s an adult, he can work out how to do one pick and drop off at school a week.

👆 No not this given he might be drinking at the weekend.

He collects Friday after school and you collect Sunday OP.
And formalise it now in court.

Been in this situation as a SM and as the child gets older your DD will be wanting to spend more time at her primary home where all her social activities and friends are. She will start to call the shots.
to prevent disruption we did EOW but I collect Fri and Dad returned Sun given her mum had her all school week and most of the parenting responsibilities. And we paid child support obvs

Your ex will start to build a family life with OW so for the protection of your DD moving forward it’s best to set the parameters now.

Bitter pill but I would swallow it for my daughter. Your daughter is who matters in all of this and I would do whatever I had to do for her and if that meant putting myself out then so be it.
Your daughter didn't choose this situation and I know you didn't either but her needs come first and sounds like you have an amicable arrangement with your ex, I would maintain that at all costs.

@boredwfh there is a lot of he won’t agree or he won’t want that - all of this is dictated to by him.
not having a single weekend with your child isn’t fair

go to court get it all down properly including the use of the app

I would suggest you drive her to him on a Friday I'm her school uniform.. he washes the uniform and drives her directly to school on the Monday. Alternatively, he needs to drop her back on Sunday night. I don't see the issue with him having her 1 less night. You could claim CM now and you've chosen not to.

@Drowninginconfusion courts don’t order maintenance when dealing with contact arrangements.

So overall though I can’t stand the guy & he was emotionally abusive to me & his behaviour post breakup was extreme to in terms of harassment to the point I got an non mol for a year (now expired) he does do a lot with our DD, he’s very involved with the local girls football team & does all of the football training, matches & tournaments, that’s very much their thing. These are all on Fridays/sundays in our old town. He is going to move her to a new football club near him which DD doesn’t seem phased about and has told me she is ok with. He does lots of days out/activities with her. Yes all the fun stuff. And has taken her to parties sometimes of school friends when he was still living 30 mins away. So not completely deadbeat. But defo Disney dad & she loves him very much.
I would like more time with her as it always feels like I’m doing the cooking, cleaning away dinner, reading homework & negotiation at bedtime (always a battle!) not quality time. I get maybe one weekend with her every couple of months & she comes away on holiday with me once or twice a year. And I have to use holiday clubs at other school holiday times.
I do think it needs to change. I think it’ll naturally change with time in that she’ll want to stay with me at weekends so as to see her friends but I also worry he’ll try to convince her to move schools to a secondary near him when she gets to that age & have the whole arrangement flip round.

I’ve been in family court and no one needs to order it. In this instance Mum would clearly be granted maintenance if she applied. Mediation will broach the subject snd my insinuation is that Dad has a lot to lose by pissing Mum off by taking her to court. It might be civil now but should CAFCASS call her and start asking questions that any good parent would find rather insulting (from experience) and then she feel obliged to pay a solicitor and miss work to attend family court (again, been there) and do a mandatory parenting course then her good will and civility will quickly fly out of the window. No way would an intelligent man take this to court after a quick google search.

So do something about it. You’re admitting you “cba” and in the next breath complaining that you get no quality time. Contact the CSA and tell him that it’s time for a rethink on the contact situation

Amicable ? He’s horrible and op puts up and you suggest she out up some more .
He does none of the proper parenting and just has demands. .
He can put the child to school on Monday if he doesn’t want to return her home on Sunday.

I co-parent (really well, if i say so myself) with someone who is a bit of a dick so I hear you.

For me, in this situation I would just say I cannot do Monday morning due to my own work. You can either take her to school yourself Monday morning or I can collect Sunday night / meet half way whatever you decide. I personally would offer to pick up Sunday as its a more enticing offer plus traffic going to be more predictable. i'd ask him to pick up Friday. If you share the journeys someone will always be hanging round for the other (it wud me as ex is always late!) Then it's just a case of repeating / grey rocking. I always like to throw in I wish I could but it's just not possible, it's been a struggle these last years etc. Refuse to get drawn into discussions about it as its just a waste of energy.

If it goes to court, it won't go in his favour as you cannot do Monday. You don't have to go further than say you cannot because of work commitments. Whilst yes court will expect you to share journeys (imo this is reasonable), they wouldn't expect you to give up all weekends. If you go mediation this should be spelt out for him. If you do end up in court, i'd recommend asking for every other weekend and splitting the holidays 50:50 if he'll agree. You can do things outside of this if you both agree but it just sets up for future changes etc.