Meeting ex half way for child handover- too far

[boredwfh]

i split with my ex who I have one DD8 and originally I rented a new house in the same town only 10 mins away from my ex.
I then met a new partner and moved to a village 30 mins away from exes house. Better village, nicer school etc. This was a place that my ex had always wanted to live or the surrounding villages & he talked for a while of selling up & moving nearer to us.
The child arrangements have always been that he has her every Friday around 4.30pm till Monday at 7.30am. I do school drop offs and pick ups mon-Fri. He can’t have her in the week due to schooling & even when we lived in the same town it was always every weekend he had her due to work. If either of us want a weekend off or I want a weekend with her we swap about but generally means he just loses time with her as he can’t make it up by having her in the week. I don’t claim any child maintenance off him even though I do have her 4 nights a week & generally more nights over the course of a year. Both high earners & I just cba. That’s a story for another day.
Anyway we currently meet halfway between our homes so about 15 mins each way for each of us, maybe 20 mins each way for him dependent on traffic. However about a yr ago he met a new partner who lives over an hour away & has a child who is 5. He has now decided to sell up & move in with her nearer to where she is currently living. This is an hour away from where I live further up north, completely different county & will be rubbish commute in rush hour traffic.
He now wants me to do an hour round trip to meet him at a new half way point to his new house. This is too much on a Friday night and a Monday morning. I personally don’t think he’s thought this through at all. My DD8 already hates getting up earlier on a Monday for the 30 min trip to get to mine & she’s going to hate doing an hour or more going forwards on a Monday morning. I also said in a few years she’ll not want to spend every weekend with him & will want to spend it with friends and he’ll see less of her- but still he plans to press ahead & move.
He thinks I’m being completely unreasonable not meeting him half way to his new house as he did it when I moved. My point is that I only moved 30 mins away. Not more than 1 hour or more in rush hour traffic & it’s not my problem he’s decided to do this. It’s simply too far and is too much for me especially when I have work on a Monday & it’s already a rush to wake up early to pick her up at 7.30 am & then do the school run all before work.
So am I being unreasonable to say no ex should do drop off to equivalent distance/time as now or should I say yes I’ll do an hour round trip on a Friday night & Monday morning to meet him?

Same, I live in a town 30 ish mins away (on the bus as we don't drive) I do either drop off or collection he does the other.

I hope you said no to that one!

Well, you moves 30 mins away, so really you should have been doing an hour round trip for drop off and collection this whole time, and your ex has been doing you a favour doing half. So it seems only fair that you now do the hour round trip when he's moved further away. Though I'd probably rather do all of one trip that half of both.

But doing it Monday morning isn't ideal, Sunday night is far better. And I'm surprised you don't have any weekends together, that doesn't seem like a good divide at all, you get to do the drudgery but don't get quality time together. Are you really happy with that, I think it's unusual.

How far is he moving from the original address? That is key rather than the distance he is from you now

I was prepared to say YABU because you
moved first. But he pays no maintenance and does none of the school runs, weekly drudge and gets to have all the glory on weekends. Would be a no from me.
if he wants to split the journey 50:50 then he can split the parenting and the costs 50:50 too, only fair.

55 mins away & from the original place we both lived further north. I moved 30 mins south in the same city. The journey from his new address to my house at this time of day is 1h 10 mins.

I agree with the court suggestion. The important thing here is the child, not parental preferences. The OP has suggested collecting their dc on the Sunday night, her ex has refused. Not by the sounds of it to make it easier for their dc, but in case he might have to pay a few quid. Doing the drudge work all week and having no leisure time with her child isn’t fair on OP.

He did it when you moved further away so you can do it now he's moved but think that it either needs to change to halfway Friday and Sunday Evening or you need to do full journey on a Friday and he needs to do full journey and drop her off at school on Monday.

This
If ex isn’t happy to comply then that’s tough but you should both remember who the most important person is in this scenario………your DD! Her welfare, her safety, her needs and wishes have to come first regardless.

If he doesn't want you to collect Sunday then he does school drop off Monday.

Perhaps it's time he got more involved in the real job of get ups and drop offs, instead of just doing weekends and holiday.

You could drive her to him Saturday morning when it's quiet.

Try to keep coming back to what's best for her. Sitting in rush hour traffic every Friday is no fun.

You mean he’s refusing to lose a day’s drinking.

Go to court. Your poor child ☹️

He won’t agree to any less days by me taking her on a Saturday morning. She also does football training on a Friday with him & I don’t think she’d want to miss that. I’ll try to have a calmer conversation with him or just let it go to court because it always gets turned into a convo about money and how much I earn & his perception that I’m better off. (I’m not but he’s bitter & money obsessed) And this is why I think the not wanting to drop a Sunday night is about child maintenance & not about losing time with DD.

YANBU
Sounds like it's also about money for him and making sure he doesn't have to pay maintenance - all while making sure his working hours/ income and lifestyle aren't comprised by being a parent 😞

If he won't compromise, I'd offer that he can collect DD8 from school on Fri and do drop off on Monday.
He's chosing to move further from her, so it's up to him to make it work.

I’ll also offer to meet him half way on a Friday but Mondays I can’t do half way plus the rush of school drop offs etc. I think he needs to meet me an equivalent distance away ie 15 mins from me, or meet me on a Sunday or do the whole school drop off on a Monday.

I would personally trial the half way point, give it a reasonable period of time and then go back and be clear about why it’s not working (if it’s not working). You can tell him you’re giving it a month’s trial to see how it works for you and your daughter. After a month you can tell him if you need him to do the Monday school run and you might want to highlight that as you don’t claim any maintenance you’re not in a position to do anything that negatively impacts your employment. This approach would likely be viewed more favourably by the court as it would demonstrate a willingness but ultimately a focus on what is in your dd’s best interests.

In your OP, I got the impression he was a good dad. He in fact sounds like a drunk abusive twat. I’d go to court too and get the time reduced to every other weekend.

Monday swaps are ridiculous. If he can’t do the school run the swap should be on a Sunday. I wouldn’t have agreed to every weekend either. You get hardly any leisure time with your DC but all the high stress time. If he isn’t willing to be reasonable, court is the only option.

So whoever moves first gets dibs on which direction they move half an hour away in and the other person is then the unreasonable one for doing the exact same thing?

Plenty of stuff you could set up better and every weekend is not tenable long term, but I'm terms of the driving and meeting half way it's pure hypocrisy on your part

Ok if he won't do Sunday, you take her to him Friday and he can drop her at school on Monday. He'll have to sort out breakfast club or be flexible with work.

I think you should go to court as it doesn't sound like you can work together on this at this point - too much history. Leaving all that aside, it doesn't seem fair that you can move away and he facilitates it and then he moves away and you won't support him - but of course there's a lot of other things in this story.

Go to court, get someone unrelated to the issue to help you and then do what they say. You will just bicker forever otherwise - and this all impacts on your DD the most.

I would use this opportunity to reset the whole arrangement. Every weekend is not sustainable and the courts would not grant that to him. You need weekend time with her, and she needs to be able to have a social life at home now she is growing up. I would look for an EOW arrangement, agreeing to half the travel, plus whole weeks during the school holidays.

And apply for child maintenance, if you don’t need it save it up, by the time she’s 18 it should be a good contribution to uni fees or a house deposit.

No way would my ex be getting every weekend with my children. No. Way.

Then he has to work out how to drop her at school Monday. I’d be just as stubborn- ‘I totally appreciate you don’t want to lose a night with her. If you keep her Sunday you will need to flex your work to take her directly to school on Sunday, it is too much for her to have drop off with me then school drop off, and it is too much for me in my work week- unlike you I then have to do drop off and pick up all week which involves lots of flexing my work. Let me know if you want to collect Sunday, or for me to provide her school uniform on Friday ready for you to take her on Monday.’

If your DD has expressed dislike at the Monday drop off, just tell your ex that you want a court ordered contact arrangement instead of the current one. Judge will almost certainly say every other weekend Friday to Sunday evening. Or, as my friend as in place, her ex has 3 weekends out of 4. He also can't do school drops either. I would just say to ex that you will keep her with you until a court ordered contact arrangement is in place. CAFCASS will talk to your DD and ask what she wants, if she's clear that she hates early Monday drops then it will be considered and they will unlikely order it. Then go to CMS and get maintenance for her. Even if you don't need the money, put it in savings for your DD.

And if he refuses to agree that I’d go to court for eow, offer a mid week night which is solely available if he collects from school and drops at school the next night because you’re not childcare, and apply for child maintenance.