Meeting ex half way for child handover- too far

[boredwfh]

i split with my ex who I have one DD8 and originally I rented a new house in the same town only 10 mins away from my ex.
I then met a new partner and moved to a village 30 mins away from exes house. Better village, nicer school etc. This was a place that my ex had always wanted to live or the surrounding villages & he talked for a while of selling up & moving nearer to us.
The child arrangements have always been that he has her every Friday around 4.30pm till Monday at 7.30am. I do school drop offs and pick ups mon-Fri. He can’t have her in the week due to schooling & even when we lived in the same town it was always every weekend he had her due to work. If either of us want a weekend off or I want a weekend with her we swap about but generally means he just loses time with her as he can’t make it up by having her in the week. I don’t claim any child maintenance off him even though I do have her 4 nights a week & generally more nights over the course of a year. Both high earners & I just cba. That’s a story for another day.
Anyway we currently meet halfway between our homes so about 15 mins each way for each of us, maybe 20 mins each way for him dependent on traffic. However about a yr ago he met a new partner who lives over an hour away & has a child who is 5. He has now decided to sell up & move in with her nearer to where she is currently living. This is an hour away from where I live further up north, completely different county & will be rubbish commute in rush hour traffic.
He now wants me to do an hour round trip to meet him at a new half way point to his new house. This is too much on a Friday night and a Monday morning. I personally don’t think he’s thought this through at all. My DD8 already hates getting up earlier on a Monday for the 30 min trip to get to mine & she’s going to hate doing an hour or more going forwards on a Monday morning. I also said in a few years she’ll not want to spend every weekend with him & will want to spend it with friends and he’ll see less of her- but still he plans to press ahead & move.
He thinks I’m being completely unreasonable not meeting him half way to his new house as he did it when I moved. My point is that I only moved 30 mins away. Not more than 1 hour or more in rush hour traffic & it’s not my problem he’s decided to do this. It’s simply too far and is too much for me especially when I have work on a Monday & it’s already a rush to wake up early to pick her up at 7.30 am & then do the school run all before work.
So am I being unreasonable to say no ex should do drop off to equivalent distance/time as now or should I say yes I’ll do an hour round trip on a Friday night & Monday morning to meet him?

Been in this position and my opinion is that the extra burden should fall on the parent making the change otherwise it should have been one of the considering factors when deciding to move.

My DH exW did this and moved away and even refused to meet us half way to handover. This meant that my husband had to drive an extra 90mins on a Friday and Sunday to see his kids. He did this but it is grossly unfair.

He needs to be collecting her from school on a Friday. Don’t let him use work as an excuse. Women have to find a way to make work fit around their children so he can do it too.

And maybe you could collect her on the Sunday evening or if he doesn’t like that he can drop her back on the Monday morning.

YABU because you are hung up on an hour-long journey being totally different from a 30-minute journey, when in fact it isn’t. You moved somewhere that suited you and your new partner better, but you’re unwilling to allow that he had the right to do the same. (The fact that your ex once wanted to live in your new location is totally irrelevant, and of course his new partner won’t want to move just to suit you, especially if she has a child in school.)

The Sunday drop-off, with each of you doing one full journey, is the obvious solution. However, imo you need a whole new arrangement. Does your child never get to go to schoolfriends' weekend birthday parties, for example? At some times of the year my DC are each invited to one practically every weekend.

You need to formalise the whole arrangement and get it renegotiated.

Nope, YANBU. He’s the one choosing to move an hour away — that’s on him. You moved 30 mins, still manageable. He’s choosing a whole new county and expecting you and an 8-year-old to do the heavy lifting? Nah. If he wants to move, he sorts the travel. Simple.

You are offering various alternatives. He’s not compromising. Take it to court.

Would you like alternative weekends?

How far is it from the original house you lived in when you first split?

But what if HIS move is only 30 minutes from the original place they both lived. What if SHE moved 30 minutes in the opposite direction to where HE has moved? So he is not allowed to move 30 minutes away because his daughter doesn't want to get up on a Monday morning? We don't have all the facts.

But eh OP was the first one to move away.

So by the sound of it you've both moved half an hour away, making it an hour trip? So the logical thing is either one does one trip and one does the other, or you meet at a halfway point (maybe near where you used to live?)
An extra half hour should hopefully be mitigated for your DD by having another child to play with during contact. Assuming they're both social children it should be hugely beneficial for them having a step sibling close enoigh in age to play with.

a reasonable distance away

“he’s bitter & money obsessed”

If it’s all about money and you’re not bothered about CM, why don’t you let him know this? It might change his mind about a Sunday handover.

@boredwfh i would do one drop off or collection. It’s going to have to be Friday -Sunday tea time .

Id also now go for child support as he will be a pretty good part time parent .

what happens in holdiays ?

A reasonable distance from the original house. What is the father is moving exactly the same distance away from the original house - but in the opposite direction? 30 minutes compared to 15 minutes is neither here nor there.

So you get no weekends at all with your daughter? Sod that.

I would be thinking about changing the arrangement, so that your daughter gets quality weekend time with both of you. If he wants 50/50 then he can look to have her in the week too.

In terms of drop offs and collections it would be at school- on his days it’s up to him to arrange getting her to and from school.

Good luck with whatever you decide OP

As this is going to end up in court DO NOT set a precedence of meeting him half way on a Friday as that weakens your argument that you can’t do it/is not a reasonable request.

He’s abusive so stick to the App strictly from now own with a grey rock statement. “I am not prepared to meet you half way to your new location and expecting DD to get up as X time before school every Monday is not in her best interests when you could return to me Sunday evening instead.”

Could you offer more time in the school holidays to keep the 50:50? What is going to happen as DD gets older and wants to spend weekend time with her friends? Do you not want at least one weekend a month with her?

@boredwfh this nonsense with him will go on for ever if you don’t make changes. .
Make them and stick to them so he sees you have changed .
Message him today and tell him you are downloading the court app for communication and do it !
Tell him Dd will be dropped off/picked up Fridays and returned Sunday at 5pm as the new plans for a Monday morning are too much and not in her best interests .
Also state that if he is not in agreement then further communication will be through a solicitor .

If you don’t think he will return her on a Sunday evening then I’d keep her home untill it’s all sorted.

Yes I’d say you should work with him because you moved away but ,,,, that was after a separation and you were going the work/school week alone . Your Dd is settled he should have thought about how she would be effected before making another move and another change for your Dd.

Also he doesn’t get you weekends in the holidays.
If it went to court he would get half of 6 weeks and you would get the other half.

Then he drops her at school Monday morning
And figures out how

He ll have to arrange something with his work or pay someone

I think the move aside, this arrangement isn't very child friendly. It is not fair to your daughter to do exchanges before school.

It’s kind of irrelevant how much time it takes.. you moved in order to be with a new partner. Now he’s doing the same, suddenly it’s not reasonable!!

He doesn’t have to pay maintenance because you haven’t bothered to claim it.

You are giving your child every single weekend to a drug user and criminal, why?

Take him to court. I can’t believe you don’t have regular weekends with your DD. She must hate it too.

Is there a train?

Why are you giving up ALL your weekend time with her. What about parties and stuff at the weekends?

get legal advice and it properly drafted out now

It makes me laugh all this ‘he can’t do pick ups / drop offs’ can’t he? Oh well looks like he’ll have to get a different job then just like all women have to do! It boils my piss!!! I’ve just broken up with my ex and honestly he’s has never done any drop offs or picks ups (not quite true but very few) and guess who had to do them or arrange childcare? Me! Now he’s all wounded and texting me ‘tell them have a great day at school’ yeah yeah, you barely spoke to them in the morning while we lived in the same house, you just concentrated on getting yourself ready for work and fucked off didn’t you? They’re losers. I would tell him to piss off and work it out, what’s he going to do ask for custody? And who will take her to school then? He won’t want to rock the boat if you’re not getting maintenance as this is an ace up your sleeve. He has to get her to school one day a week and I think he should be doing that or paying someone to do that or asking a family member. I would consider meeting him almost half way on a Friday as a goodwill gesture…maybe ha.