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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Meeting ex half way for child handover- too far

149 replies

boredwfh · 25/06/2025 20:02

i split with my ex who I have one DD8 and originally I rented a new house in the same town only 10 mins away from my ex.
I then met a new partner and moved to a village 30 mins away from exes house. Better village, nicer school etc. This was a place that my ex had always wanted to live or the surrounding villages & he talked for a while of selling up & moving nearer to us.
The child arrangements have always been that he has her every Friday around 4.30pm till Monday at 7.30am. I do school drop offs and pick ups mon-Fri. He can’t have her in the week due to schooling & even when we lived in the same town it was always every weekend he had her due to work. If either of us want a weekend off or I want a weekend with her we swap about but generally means he just loses time with her as he can’t make it up by having her in the week. I don’t claim any child maintenance off him even though I do have her 4 nights a week & generally more nights over the course of a year. Both high earners & I just cba. That’s a story for another day.
Anyway we currently meet halfway between our homes so about 15 mins each way for each of us, maybe 20 mins each way for him dependent on traffic. However about a yr ago he met a new partner who lives over an hour away & has a child who is 5. He has now decided to sell up & move in with her nearer to where she is currently living. This is an hour away from where I live further up north, completely different county & will be rubbish commute in rush hour traffic.
He now wants me to do an hour round trip to meet him at a new half way point to his new house. This is too much on a Friday night and a Monday morning. I personally don’t think he’s thought this through at all. My DD8 already hates getting up earlier on a Monday for the 30 min trip to get to mine & she’s going to hate doing an hour or more going forwards on a Monday morning. I also said in a few years she’ll not want to spend every weekend with him & will want to spend it with friends and he’ll see less of her- but still he plans to press ahead & move.
He thinks I’m being completely unreasonable not meeting him half way to his new house as he did it when I moved. My point is that I only moved 30 mins away. Not more than 1 hour or more in rush hour traffic & it’s not my problem he’s decided to do this. It’s simply too far and is too much for me especially when I have work on a Monday & it’s already a rush to wake up early to pick her up at 7.30 am & then do the school run all before work.
So am I being unreasonable to say no ex should do drop off to equivalent distance/time as now or should I say yes I’ll do an hour round trip on a Friday night & Monday morning to meet him?

OP posts:
Supima · 25/06/2025 21:13

Every weekend? Nah. She will want to see her friends at the weekend. One of you drops off, one of you collects is fair. Alternate weekends.

QuickPeachPoet · 25/06/2025 21:20

He is going to have to think this one through when she gets a bit older and won't want to be spending all her weekends far away from all her friends. She will be isolated and miss out on stuff (if she isn't already).

Snorlaxo · 25/06/2025 21:24

Go to court and they’d say that every other weekend (Friday pick up and Sunday drop off) is fair because dd needs to spend time with both sides of extended family and weekends are the best time. Is she ever invited to sleepovers and parties ? I assume that dad doesn’t take her to social stuff at weekends.

Does he have school holidays ? Suggest that he tags on an extra day or two+ for a long weekend. With 3 half terms and 3 end of terms, that’s 6 out of 26 weekends being a long weekend.

Court is £230 plus a mediation session iirc and you don’t need a solicitor.

DPotter · 25/06/2025 21:28

I agree with others - get it formalised and your DD goes to him alternate weekends. Does your ex take her to parties she 's been invited to at the weekend ? If he does now - will he continue when he's an hour away. It's not fair she's missing out on social events with her friends if he has her every weekend and refuses to take her.

As for pick ups and drop offs - if you think he's drinking / taking drugs - he collects her on Friday from school and you collect on Sunday afternoon, once you've changed to alternate weekends that is.

Adelle79360 · 25/06/2025 22:06

Just say no to the Monday mornings, you can’t facilitate that, he is obliged to get her to school so let him take her there.

But as an aside, why did you agree he could have every weekend including school holidays? Do you ever actually get to spend any quality time with your daughter? I’m wondering if you’re happy with this.

Shesellsseashellsnotinmystreet · 25/06/2025 22:09

Why not agree to meet up the same distance away that you did previously?
Why can't he take her to school Monday?
When ex and I split I moved. I did 500 miles every fucking week keeping to the court order.. He did zero journeys.as I expected..

Original poster
boredwfh · 25/06/2025 22:19

I’ve said I’ll do the same distance I do now on Mondays. But really I’m starting to think he should be facilitating getting her to school. I do the hard slog all bloody week & he gets to do all the fun stuff. I do ask for weekends if I want to do something with her & he also every now & then asks for a weekend off so he can socialise & I utilise those weekends. He always throws it in my face that I moved 30 mins away & but him moving over an hour away in my opinion is not the same & he’s not considering her long term needs.

OP posts:
peidhDassffeks · 25/06/2025 22:23

I’d agree to meet half way on a Friday and ask that he brings her home on a Sunday night moving forward

rainbowsparkle28 · 25/06/2025 22:34

He is within his rights to move unfortunately. As others have suggested I would be doing Fri-Sunday every other weekend (so that has a chance to spend free time with each side of family and you are not the only one having to deal with the boring and stressful but essential day to day with school runs homework etc during the week) with one parent doing drop off on Friday and the other pick up Sunday. But, above all I would be saying make a court application, so that there is a formal arrangement in place in the best interests of your child.

LimitedBrightSpots · 25/06/2025 22:46

I would tell him that, as you do all the running around after your DD during the week, you're not doing any more at the weekend. He can either drop her back to yours Sunday evening or back to school Monday morning, his choice.

If he complains, I'd add up all the time you spend running around after your DD when you have her, and point out it's much more than he does.

MsCactus · 25/06/2025 22:47

LimitedBrightSpots · 25/06/2025 22:46

I would tell him that, as you do all the running around after your DD during the week, you're not doing any more at the weekend. He can either drop her back to yours Sunday evening or back to school Monday morning, his choice.

If he complains, I'd add up all the time you spend running around after your DD when you have her, and point out it's much more than he does.

Edited

I think this is sensible. If he wants to have her until Monday morning he needs to be dropping her at school in the mornings

AllosaurusMum · 26/06/2025 00:03

QuickPeachPoet · 25/06/2025 21:20

He is going to have to think this one through when she gets a bit older and won't want to be spending all her weekends far away from all her friends. She will be isolated and miss out on stuff (if she isn't already).

This was already going to happen because OP moved away. The dad didn't cause the distance problem.

You should be meeting him halfway like he did for you when you moved your DD.

DelphiniumBlue · 26/06/2025 00:16

If he wants her overnight on Sunday, then tell him he’ll have to take her to school on Mondays. You work, why should you have to do all the school runs? He’ll have to put arrangements in place so that he can take her to school, just the one day a week! How does he think everybody else manages?
Tell him doesn’t work for you, that you have to get to work, and picking her up from his means you’ll be late. But by way of compromise, you’ll drop her on Friday evening ( not during rush hour, and after you finish work), or if he prefers, on Saturday morning.

Ablondiebutagoody · 26/06/2025 00:19

He met you halfway when you moved so you should so the same now

BruFord · 26/06/2025 00:33

I agree that you both need to do what’s in your DD’s best interest and coming home to you on Sunday evening is def. better for her.

As others have said, I think that you may need to formalize the arrangement. Don’t get into a fight with him, just say that you think it’s time that everything was formalized so you’re going to court . I wouldn’t be surprised if he then agrees with you, he won’t want anyone probing into the lack of child maintenance.

TBH, I don’t think that the distance involved is that bad, esp. if you each do one round trip. Volunteer for the Sunday one.

FrangipaniBlue · 26/06/2025 06:43

He should collect her from school on Fridays and you offer to collect her from his house on Sunday evening.

If he still insists having her Sunday night (I suspect so that he can say he has her 3/7 + holidays so no maintenance) then he has to take her to school on Monday morning.

Blueberry911 · 26/06/2025 06:48

Why on earth is he having her every weekend? Hell would freeze over before I'd not have my child every other weekend.

RhaenysRocks · 26/06/2025 07:00

AllosaurusMum · 26/06/2025 00:03

This was already going to happen because OP moved away. The dad didn't cause the distance problem.

You should be meeting him halfway like he did for you when you moved your DD.

Show quote history

The OPs move was not a great enough distance to impede playdates, parties or weekend activities. I wouldn't even say it was "moved away", just moved. Is he really going to bring her back over for a hobby or party on the Saturday? Or will she end up missing out all the time. The actual distances involved do affect the morality of who should do what in my view.

Pricelessadvice · 26/06/2025 07:15

Or you drop her off Friday and he takes her to school Monday?

Westfacing · 26/06/2025 07:17

What I don't understand is at present you live only 30 minutes away from each other but you split the journey and meet half way - I think that's unfair on your daughter.

I think it's awful for a child to have to get out of one car and into an other - like an exchange of goods in the lay-by!

A late friend of mine, who died in middle age, often talked about how she hated this as a child when her parents exchanged her in a motorway cafe, but that was a 100 mile distance!

SamDeanCas · 26/06/2025 07:22

If he’s refusing to return her on Sundays, then he takes her directly to school on a Monday morning.

ZoggyStirdust · 26/06/2025 07:33

You moved 30 mins away and he split the pick ups. He now moves 30 mins the other way (so the gap is an hour) and you won’t.

weathervane1 · 26/06/2025 07:34

I used to drive from the North West to the Midlands and back (a round trip of 5 hours) every Friday and Sunday to pick up my daughter. It wasn't ideal but it did mean that we got to spend time together each week and that is what mattered. Ultimately, does it matter if it's 15, 30 or 60 mins? The welfare of the child comes first surely? - and then they're older, they'll appreciate the effort that you both made to provide a loving childhood, despite not being together any more. It seems a strange issue to get worked up about and not one that casts you in a good light, OP.

TeachesOfPeaches · 26/06/2025 07:39

My son’s dad moved 450 miles away to Scotland and asked me to meet him halfway Confused

Original poster
boredwfh · 26/06/2025 07:42

ZoggyStirdust · 26/06/2025 07:33

You moved 30 mins away and he split the pick ups. He now moves 30 mins the other way (so the gap is an hour) and you won’t.

Because it’s a very long journey early on a Monday morning to then rush around once I get her home to get her breakfast, in her school uniform & then do the school run.He refuses to ‘lose more time with DD’ by bringing her back on a Sunday evening at say 5pm even tho it’s only a few hours before her bedtime anyway. I personally think it’s too much for my DD let alone me & don’t think any of this is in her best interests and is more about him having his allotted number of days over the course of a year so he doesn’t pay child maintenance. I’ve said we should go to court and formalise everything. Tbh I’ve been asking for a while to keep everything to a court approved parenting app as I find his behaviour harassing and even when he had a non-mol he still used to break it by contacting me outside of the terms of it. I was too weak to report him to the police. He has no boundaries in his communication with me and our co-parenting relationship is not a good one. So I think court is best way now.

OP posts: