To think men are lonelier now because they created emotional distance and don’t know how to fix it?

[WiseBrickSwan]

They mocked emotional vulnerability for decades, now they’re shocked no one opens up to them.

No I don’t think that at all.
Maybe men don’t feel able to share their vulnerability for fear of being mocked.

How did men 'mock' emotional vulnerably, exactly? I am not sure what you mean.

If you mean for instance someone telling you to 'toughen up and stop crying', this has only ever been said to me by other women.

No l don't think so. I think since time immemorial there have been men who have been lonely and unable to breach the chasm .

Men generally are poor verbal communicators in my experience. They literally don't have the skill set or language to express themselves. I imagine that is very isolating.

I think some men are emotionally distant because they are built that way and like it that way.

They aren't "shocked" that no one will open up to them.

The ones that are emotionally distant would probably prefer people didn't open up to them at all.

Some people want to spend a load of time discussing emotions. And some people genuinely don't.

This is diversity in behaviour. Under certain circumstances it can be an advantage, and under others not so much of one.

I thought we had a loneliness epidemic. We have two extremes of teenagers and the elderly experiencing extreme loneliness. Part of that is modern living, children aren't learning necessary socialisation and teenagers spend too much time online. Communities have broken down and people don't care so much for their neighbours.

A recent report showed that we have some of the unhappiest teenagers in Europe and I'm sure we have the unhappiest girls. Because boys act out, they get the most attention and despite crisis levels of VAWAG, female mental health and mothers in poverty, we hear nothing but men whining about being lonely. In fact we keep getting threads on it in a predominantly female forum.

They’re not shocked at all. To men that’s just the way it is, they wouldn’t even know what you’re talking about: https://en.rattibha.com/thread/1545473612370612225

Society tells men that it is good not to show one’s emotions. Women are criticised for being ‘overly emotional’ or ‘talking too much.’ We can all play our part to break this down and build a more supportive environment, by modelling emotional intelligence to our children and challenging negative stereotypes wherever we encounter them.

My husband, thank god, is not like this but I put that down to being raised by a strong woman, having a close relationship with his sister and primarily female friends his whole life.

He finds all male spaces, like some sports for example, awful because groups of men, when alone, tend to let out all their toxicity (be it aggression, racism, misogyny or whatever) and feel no shame about it- men have found strange ways to let out emotions without ever having to speak properly about them.

It’s sad for them, the statistics are terrible and I support those trying to improve men’s mental health however it’s a bed they made. It isn’t women that enforced the patriarchy throughout history or asked for men to not open up- in fact most straight women I know have tried to ‘fix’ an emotionally stunted man at some point. A lot of men still reject therapy, open conversations and think that being sensitive is weak- that is on them.

"They created emotional distance" - as a conspiracy? In a meeting? All together? Be serious FGS.

Like women don't get lonely?

No. I don't think so. I think the transient nature of our lives to adapt to the jobs market, the atomisation of family structures and the decimation of shared spaces mean that men are lonelier now. I think women are a little more socially adept and so are a less exposed to this but we're going the same way too.

I think men are lonelier now because women no longer need them to survive. In the past, women couldn't work or own property. And there was very little social welfare.This forced women to stay with men even when they did nothing around the house, cheated, drank all the money, beat them, etc People romanticise past relationships lasting longer than they do these days. The reality is many woman were trapped.

A lot of men really don't have much to bring to the table and they're bitter about women no longer needing those that don't.

No, I don't agree. I think there have always been people, men and women, who struggle with emotional communication.

I think it's getting harder for them because making a pass at someone now is so often taken as offensive, rather than the person on the receiving end saying 'That's flattering but no thanks'.

I have a teenage son who's terrified of asking a girl out in case he's accused of harassment. I've tried explaining that him asking a girl once is not harassment as long as he is polite and respectful.

I dont see men having existential angst over being judged every time they leave the house well apart from the social media issues and inadequate thoughts on influencers they are 'forced' to follow or school 'mums' and their MIL and other fale criends and iLs, and previous or new partners relationships with women men i know just get on with it, same as women now i think about it away from MN

Women spend a lot of time talking about how much they hate men instead of having their own life and focusing on that

Why is 'emotional distance' an issue? You can be emotionally distant and still meet a friend for a pint and a chat. Or join a football team or running club, or whatever else appeals.

I'm pleased that my husband has always had plenty of mates. And I encourage him to be sociable as much as possible.

And his mates seem to have lots of mates!

The exception, in the circles we move in, seems to be men with young kids, if they and their wife don't facilitate one another doing anything social. It's all tit for tat, and then everyone ends up lonely.

And then of course there are younger men, and they are tackling a whole different range of issues that may lead to loneliness.

Agreed. I don’t require men to swallow their emotions. It’s a side effect of patriarchy, and disproportionately affects men — their issue to fix at a systemic level. All I can do is model good emotional regulation and openness to my son, and encourage DH to do the same.

Some men are happy on their own same as women.
Some like to talk about everything some dont same as women.
Im a woman im happier on my own and i hate having to sit and chat and talk about feelings all the time.
Over the years i have noticed men and boys get a lot of stigma and hate.
They are always the blame its like walking on egg shells around women never know if they will offend us.

I don’t think it’s emotional, I think it’s because men aren’t used to performing kin keeping activities. They will complain about being lonely but then will never call their “friends” or ask about their lives or families. All this requires effort that they don’t want to do.

I'm not sure that getting deep into your feelings has anything to do with loneliness. I've made this point on other threads , but this idea that if men act like women then they'll have the same outcomes as women is highly suspect.

This, x 1000, and I'm surprised more people haven't posted similar. In the past men could rely on women serving them, marrying them, having their children, and looking after them. Now women don't need to do that because we can earn our own money. Now if we marry or get into a relationship it's because we want to, and lots of women are catching on that it's much better to be alone.

This is of course a heteronormative view, but same sex relationships also impact on the availability of people available to meet the needs of straight men. Boohoo, eh?

Big oof. Your story about your son smacks of men who 'can't say anything these days!'. I don't believe teenagers would genuinely be concerned about being accused of harassment purely because they spoke. Either he's terrified of humiliation (normal, fair) or he doesn't really understand the limits of appropriate communication (not normal, concerning).

Men aren't lonely, they're just sad they can't demand women do what they want, when they want now we have jobs.

Some men are more lonely because they expect their woman to pay half of the bills and do the majority of the housework/child rearing and that is a recipe for resentment.

Have you noticed that the men who desire tradwives the most are often the ones who can afford it the least and go round being angry at their wives’ spending ?

When we compare the men of today and in the past then the difference is no where near the women of today and past. Men need to evolve more to catch up with the needs of modern women and change the definition of what it is to be a man.

@owlexpress I'll keep working on his confidence. He's still young. 😊