2 months into dating - have I messed up?

[Heidi5764]

I’ve been dating a guy for 2 months he’s been very consistent - taking me on really nice dates, remembering the small details. However, after about a month I had a gut feeling that perhaps he wasent as genuine as I thought - still can’t put my finger on it but something started to feel off. He travels with work a lot (like everyweek) so we only see each other once a week.

Im not sure if he started to love bomb - he is in contact every day, tells me I give him butterfly’s, told me I could use his car while he was on holiday, bought me concert tickets, booked us a spa weekend. Showers me with so much affection and non stop compliments. Told me he would pay for me to go on a really expensive course. On the last holiday he was on he sent a bottle of champagne to my house (this was a month in) and booked the spa hotel whilst he was on holiday.

He’s on holiday at the moment for 2 weeks and the last time we went on holiday (month ago now) his messages were really warm, would send lots of voice notes, pics etc.

I went on a night out to some different bars/clubs on Friday night with a friend, and he text me saying it was a ‘new low’ that I had gone there and put a winking face. I don’t know if I am being too sensitive but it really bothered me. He goes out every night on holiday and I’ve never commented.

Im also doing a PhD and he’s been supportive and been proofreading my work. However, in the same day as that message he made a bit of a joke about what I’m doing and implied I wouldn’t make my goals. I took offence to this even though it was done in a ‘jokey’ way.

I decided that I wanted to pull back from him a little (I was in an abusive relationship for 10yrs - and it felt like these ‘jokes’ were a bit off) so I didn’t text him all day yesterday. Today I sent a very short message, normally I send warm messages with lots of emojis - but I simply said ‘I will reach the goal. How’s the holiday going?’ Hes not responded all day and posted a pic of him out at a club on social media.

I feel like he’s not really done anything wrong and I feel that I should have just been my normal self in the message - kind of regretting it now. When ever he takes a while to reply he always says sorry for the delay, but I just went completley quiet for 24 hours.

Do you think I’ve messed things up by acting like this or do you think I should pull back? Are there red flags in his behaviour or am I overreacting.

about a month I had a gut feeling that perhaps he wasent as genuine as I thought

go with your gut this is literally all you need to know

He sounds like a dick and is already negging you. Throw this one back

What was the jokey message about your goals?

Why did he say a new low? I could understand if I went somewhere that was a notorious dive that I've got a soft spot for but otherwise seems like he's trying to put a negative spin on it?

It sounds like you're reacting well to your instincts but feeling sad about it which is understandable.
It sounds like he could be testing the water for whether you'll tolerate being put down

Your gut is everything OP, although I’m glad i am not active on SM these days, checking for posts etc is for teenagers surely!

@NinaGeiger I basically said I had to have Phd submitted so I was putting myself into a self-imposed lockdown to focus on my writing and he said ‘let’s see if you can do that’ with laughing faces.

The place I went to is in a clubbing centre in a city centre (more where younger people go but still ok) I think it was because it was a club.

I’m afraid this sounds like he thinks he’s got you hooked with his fake kindness and love bombing and he’s beginning to show sprinklings of his true colours.

Wondering how you’ll react to his controlling side about going out so testing the water. Starting to put you and your goals down because he intends to knock your confidence and keep you down in the future so you’re reliant on him for your confidence. Trying to make you dependent upon him by withdrawing contact to make you grateful for him when he reaches out and feel as though your happiness is reliant upon contact from him so you try your best to make him happy so he doesn’t withdraw contact in the future.

All of this sounds like the beginnings of an abusive relationship - listen to your gut and run!

@Lmnop22 This is what my gut tells me but I don’t know if I’m imagining it and being too sensitive - especially only 2 months in. it was me who withdrew contact so maybe he’s just doing the same now.

I don’t like the sound of him. He is love bombing you and him controlling you will just increase as time passes by. I can see this turning into an abusive relationship. You say you had a gut feeling about him
not being genuine a month ago. I would not ignore that gut feeling.

This is a test for you in whether you self sabotage. You’ve identified something that makes you think all is not right with this one (correctly, I think). And the first time he’s withdrawn that affection from you, and is punishing you for not accepting his jokes (because if you called him out on it, he would of course claim that he was only joking and you’re taking it the wrong way), you’re considering dropping all of your hard won boundaries to re-establish the niceness, and asking if you messed up.

No, you didn’t mess up. Do not sabotage yourself by accepting any behaviour that your inner voice is warning you about, simply because it’s nice and it feels comfortable. You recognised behaviour that made your inner alarm go off. Why are you doubting yourself?

Exactly

@WilfredsPies I was going to raise it but then I thought he will just claim that he was joking like you say.

I’m not sure why I’m doubting myself. I’ve been playing over in my head all his good points and I do second guess myself and worry if I’m imagining things, especially as it’s only 2 months into dating.

I think writing down some of his behaviours on here though is starting to make me realise he’s not this amazing guy that I’ve put on a pedestal.

This is way too much worry and effort

dating shouldn’t be like this with the right person

He’s a gamer and he’s playing you.

He sounds a bit full on in general but that didnt seem to bother you befire.

And both of those things could be entirely innocuous to me.

The first reads to me like that venue is a just a known dive (harmless, every town has one, and a lot of people joke between themselves about going to them)

the second, that you won't stick a self imposed lock down, could be because you've joked aboun having no self control before e.g. about not studying in favour of TV after a very long day or after making plans to see a friend on impulse.

I don't think for a moment he is implying that you're a "low" for going there or that you are going to fail. I think that's projection.

I think its silly you've played games in how you've replied instead of just being direct and breaking up or saying something.

Trust your gut. Your mind is now primed to notice dodgy behaviour after your last abusive relationship - don’t ignore the warning signs.

and remember they always have good points at the start - otherwise nobody would date them. All part of the trap though.

Two months seems really early for gushing messages etc, and sending a bottle of champagne to your address atfter just a month seems a bit weird - rather than say taking you out for drinks/cocktails, or sharing champagne when you were together instead?

Put me downs are really mean.

I went out with a guy like this once and now I'm pretty sure he was married. Is he definitely away with work?

After only two months, you don’t know his good points. All you know is what he’s chosen to show you while he’s been breaking down your barriers by bombarding you with expensive gifts. None of that is real yet. It’s a carefully cultivated image from someone who has a few quid to throw about. He’s love bombing you.

So far, he’s been giving you positive attention all the while you’re doing stuff he likes. You do something for yourself, like your studies, or seeing your friends, and the little digs appear. Always disguised as a joke so you can be given the blame for not having a sense of humour, rather than him having to admit he was a twat.

Does sound very love bombey to me. I’d be getting the worry on this one.

This all sounds very OTT for 2 months. At once a week that's only 8 times you have seen him.

Nothing good can come from that volume of communication and bullshit. Someone is bound to say something slightly "off" or that gets misconstrued.

@WilfredsPies That really makes sense. I do now think it is love bombing as I have felt really confused about things - but maybe that’s his intention.

We went on a night out 3 weeks ago now and some women approached me saying they liked my outfit etc and they said to him your gf is stunning and he was smiling and he said you get compliments everywhere you go and said he’s so lucky to be with me. It happened again a week later when we were out and he rolled his eyes and looked really annoyed and I really felt the tension.

Then last time we had sex hes normally chatty all nigth and literally won’t stop cuddling me. This time he was like ‘no small talk for me tonight’ and there was nothing. in the morning he said ‘sorry for kicking you out’ even though I was leavign anyway. I felt so upset when I left.

Yeah the new low comment was a jibe. Probably jealous and insecure about you being out. Does sound like it’s potentially gone off the boil for some reason though. But you did the right thing to be direct about your goals. If you start allowing that behaviour it will only get worse. You did the right thing.

So get rid, what's stopping you?

He definitely sounds like he’s on the turn. But that’s what love bombers do. They convince you that they’re the partner of your dreams and your happy ending, and then they ghost you. It sounds like he’s getting ready to ghost you. The positive here is that you’ve seen him for who he is before he’s had the chance to do it, and it’s not going to blind side you.

Next time you get a negative feeling about someone, listen to yourself. You are a strong, intelligent woman and you can see when someone isn’t being genuine. Trust yourself.

@Idontjetwashthefucker Because I’ve worry that it’s my overthinking, but from the replies I’ve had on here it’s not all in my head.