2 months into dating - have I messed up?

[Heidi5764]

I’ve been dating a guy for 2 months he’s been very consistent - taking me on really nice dates, remembering the small details. However, after about a month I had a gut feeling that perhaps he wasent as genuine as I thought - still can’t put my finger on it but something started to feel off. He travels with work a lot (like everyweek) so we only see each other once a week.

Im not sure if he started to love bomb - he is in contact every day, tells me I give him butterfly’s, told me I could use his car while he was on holiday, bought me concert tickets, booked us a spa weekend. Showers me with so much affection and non stop compliments. Told me he would pay for me to go on a really expensive course. On the last holiday he was on he sent a bottle of champagne to my house (this was a month in) and booked the spa hotel whilst he was on holiday.

He’s on holiday at the moment for 2 weeks and the last time we went on holiday (month ago now) his messages were really warm, would send lots of voice notes, pics etc.

I went on a night out to some different bars/clubs on Friday night with a friend, and he text me saying it was a ‘new low’ that I had gone there and put a winking face. I don’t know if I am being too sensitive but it really bothered me. He goes out every night on holiday and I’ve never commented.

Im also doing a PhD and he’s been supportive and been proofreading my work. However, in the same day as that message he made a bit of a joke about what I’m doing and implied I wouldn’t make my goals. I took offence to this even though it was done in a ‘jokey’ way.

I decided that I wanted to pull back from him a little (I was in an abusive relationship for 10yrs - and it felt like these ‘jokes’ were a bit off) so I didn’t text him all day yesterday. Today I sent a very short message, normally I send warm messages with lots of emojis - but I simply said ‘I will reach the goal. How’s the holiday going?’ Hes not responded all day and posted a pic of him out at a club on social media.

I feel like he’s not really done anything wrong and I feel that I should have just been my normal self in the message - kind of regretting it now. When ever he takes a while to reply he always says sorry for the delay, but I just went completley quiet for 24 hours.

Do you think I’ve messed things up by acting like this or do you think I should pull back? Are there red flags in his behaviour or am I overreacting.

OP that's a lot of stuff for 8 weeks, end it now I hope you don't mind my saying.

Who is he going on holiday with?

He is definitely away as he’s constantly updating his Instagram and his friend is tagging him on the all trips they’re on. He split up with his wife in the Dec/ Jan and he said he just booked all the trips for the summer that he had been putting off. Since I’ve been seeing him in 2 months he’s been in 4 different countries, he’s back for a week then doing a weekend abroad. Then during the week he stays in hotels in London (but his home is in North-West) but he says he’s never home.

You shouldn't be doubting yourself and your gut feelings after two months 🚩

So he was single for two months, out of an over ten years relationship, sorry OP, you're a rebound and he's clearly not prioritising you.

I wouldn't date someone who's two months out of a long relationship as he'll still be processing the break up.

The most useful and straightforward bit of advice I auve been given on relation to early stages of dating is this-

If they are right you,you will know and if they aren't, you will feel confused.

2 months in and you are so confused. You aren't well matched.

He's married.

He is probably not looking for anything long term however seeing a boyfriend only once a week at that stage is completely normal.

I think the new low comment was ok, we have lots of clubs here some considered dives. Don’t think it’s a case of negging you

his joke about your phd however wasn’t funny and was negging you

instead of ignoring him you should just put a stop to things. I don’t think he likes you as much as you think

You said at first that he implied you wouldn't make your goals, which I took to mean you wouldn't gain your PhD but then reading your update of what he actually wrote it seems to me that he meant you wouldn't be able to stay home for your self-imposed lockdown. Do you enjoy going out? Nothing screams out to me to be honest (i've only read one update so far though), so whilst I think it's worth listening to your gut and being aware of what he 'may' be doing it also worth giving him a chance. Maybe you're looking at things that aren't there because of your last relationship?
Only you (and he) really knows. We can only guess so just take care of yourself. (I'll carrry on reading this later so beware I may take everything I've said above back!) x

Thank you all for the messages. He was married but they split in Dec/Jan so potentially he could still be married whilst divorce is going through.

I think my confusion comes from the fact that he's been consistent, always been very attentive, always booked dates in with me every week (apart from the last week before he went away I suggested the date). He told me from the beginning he is looking for a long term relationship - I said I wasn't sure what I wanted and said I was enjoying being on my own, but he has continued to say he's looking for something more long term.

He asked me recently what I wanted and I said I wanted a relationship with the right person and he said he was scared to ask again because I've always said I like being on my own (which I do, but I am also looking for something with the right person). I do think he likes me but it's just that gut feeling I have that makes me very sceptical and confused.

Or if not married then in another relationship, either dating or longer term partner. I'd go with your gut, if it feels off it is off.
I'd wonder why his marriage broke up, and if he still hopes to get back with his wife.

I think he’s insecure and maybe doing some mind games because of that I think he wants you to pine after him while he’s away. I’d say he is still smarting after marriage breakdown. I’d take it slow if I were you - I think you wanted to anyway. Your gut feeling is probably about his little games and comments, which are most likely borne out of insecurity and rejection.

@LittleMonks11 Yeah I agree, because he's been OTT and said 'Im going to miss you' and 'I really like you' etc and I've literally not said anything back maybe it is rejection he fears.

He sent a message this morning saying 'I need you to make sure I stay well behaved when I get home (asking about my night and saying more about his holiday and he needs a detox) then he said you still ok to see me Monday?' - I want to see what the energy is like in-person but then I'm also re-reading all of these messages on this post and realising that the red flags and gut instincts are not simply me overthinking. So unsure how to respond

@Heidi5764 I'm still not convinced he's actually away with work... just that I was told that one before and almost certain he was still with ex.

@everychildmatters Hmm maybe, his company is down in London so he goes to stay in hotels couple of nights during the week. We had a Friday night together and then I had a rare Sat night free so I sprung it on him and said you want to do something tonight and he replied instantly saying yes, and he's been free every weekend which makes me think if he was in a relationship wouldn't he be with them at weekends?

I wouldn't trust someone unless they have been divorced for about 5 years. How do they even know who they are again as a separate person after being separated for a few months?

Also IME they say they have broken up, but with men they are more likely to bend the truth and look for a new relationship as either a stepping stone out of an old one (as men don't like being single as much as women) or maybe spite toward the old partner. I had that with a guy who went on holiday - I'm convinced he actually went with the 'ex' when we were early dating.

Either way OP this is too much too soon.

Well-behaved from what???

I would love to speak to his soon to be ex- wife! I bet she would put a new light on it all. I would def be getting rid of this one. Something is def off. His behaviour is OTT and the relationship itself very irregular, borderline controlling.

Oh dear, you've been swept away with all the attentiveness, which sounds pretty full on for a 2 month relationship. It's like he's trying to get you to fall hook, line and sinker but that kind of attention isn't sustainable. Plus, it sounds like he's already starting to show his true colours, i.e 'jokey' put-downs etc. Get out now & know that you can do better.

I personally wouldn't allow someone I had known 2 months to proofread my writing. Boundaries here are off.

Seems like he's now taking you for granted sex and that's it.

He's gone on holiday twice in two months? Would he not rather spend time with you, particularly if normally you can only see each other once a week. Once a week for sex really doesn't sound like a relationship, even if he is making lots of promises and buys a few presents. This should be the best most romantic time in the relationship, new, exciting love and it really doesn't seem to be.

Are you sure he isn't married or in a proper relationship with someone else, it all sounds luke warm at best.

@dogcatkitten He booked all the holidays in at the beginning of the year when he had split up with his ex-wife for the summer. He said its just the way it all landed.

I have suspected maybe he is in another relationship but apart from the holidays with friends he's spent Fri nights/saturdays when I've been free with me. So not sure where he would fit another relationship in. We've done the odd Weds eve. I've got a DD so he said he will work around me.

But it all definitely feels a little off now.