2 months into dating - have I messed up?

[Heidi5764]

I’ve been dating a guy for 2 months he’s been very consistent - taking me on really nice dates, remembering the small details. However, after about a month I had a gut feeling that perhaps he wasent as genuine as I thought - still can’t put my finger on it but something started to feel off. He travels with work a lot (like everyweek) so we only see each other once a week.

Im not sure if he started to love bomb - he is in contact every day, tells me I give him butterfly’s, told me I could use his car while he was on holiday, bought me concert tickets, booked us a spa weekend. Showers me with so much affection and non stop compliments. Told me he would pay for me to go on a really expensive course. On the last holiday he was on he sent a bottle of champagne to my house (this was a month in) and booked the spa hotel whilst he was on holiday.

He’s on holiday at the moment for 2 weeks and the last time we went on holiday (month ago now) his messages were really warm, would send lots of voice notes, pics etc.

I went on a night out to some different bars/clubs on Friday night with a friend, and he text me saying it was a ‘new low’ that I had gone there and put a winking face. I don’t know if I am being too sensitive but it really bothered me. He goes out every night on holiday and I’ve never commented.

Im also doing a PhD and he’s been supportive and been proofreading my work. However, in the same day as that message he made a bit of a joke about what I’m doing and implied I wouldn’t make my goals. I took offence to this even though it was done in a ‘jokey’ way.

I decided that I wanted to pull back from him a little (I was in an abusive relationship for 10yrs - and it felt like these ‘jokes’ were a bit off) so I didn’t text him all day yesterday. Today I sent a very short message, normally I send warm messages with lots of emojis - but I simply said ‘I will reach the goal. How’s the holiday going?’ Hes not responded all day and posted a pic of him out at a club on social media.

I feel like he’s not really done anything wrong and I feel that I should have just been my normal self in the message - kind of regretting it now. When ever he takes a while to reply he always says sorry for the delay, but I just went completley quiet for 24 hours.

Do you think I’ve messed things up by acting like this or do you think I should pull back? Are there red flags in his behaviour or am I overreacting.

@everychildmatters Well he was married but they split up in December, all her clothes are still there in the spare room. He stays in hotels in London all the time with his job and that’s normally a couple of times per week. Since I’ve known him he’s been in Hawaii, New Orleans, London every week and Amsterdam for a work meeting. He’s now in Thailand he comes home for a week then goes to France so he’s away a lot

Either dump him or enjoy the champagne and spy breaks while they last.

Playing games by ignoring him for 24 hours and being cold isn’t a healthy relationship.

I was on the fence until this update. Yuck! Definitely dump him. He sounds like he’s out in an act but this is who he really is.

He has no regard for how his words affect you. And saying ‘no time for small talk’ and ‘sorry for kicking you out’ comes across as very much like someone who wants to be in control, and telling you that he is in charge (I don’t want to talk so we won’t/ you are leaving now).

he also sounds insecure.

I don’t like him.

@HunnyPot it was not deliberate game playing at the time - I wanted to step back and re-assess if this dynamic was right for me - I needed thinking space and time and can’t do it properley when I’m in contact with him.

@Maplebean Yeah I do think he’s insecure because he’s spent a lot of the dates talking about how he’s a high earner and on our last date told me about how ridiculously high his tax bill was.

I had a boyfriend like this. He used to put me down as ‘jokes’ but he was extremely insecure

It shouldn’t be this hard or stressful when you’re only 2 months in. Your spidey senses are tingly, listen to what they’re telling you.

Way too much too soon. This is not normal behaviour. And the negative comments are nasty. I think you should trust your gut on this one.

No point just thinking about his good qualities only. Think about how he treats you & alll his big qualities.

He’s controlling. He’s allowed out but you are t? He likes you home studying, not out. But he mocks your PhD??!? Get rid of this one

Agreed.

He sounds like a knob.

Agree with this. I don’t think the issues you’ve mentioned are that big. Maybe more annoying than red flags. But you sound like you’re already checking out a bit. If you have doubts then it’s entirely your decision whether to carry on with him. Doesn’t mean he’s a bad person, just that you’re not compatible.

Always always trust your gut. There is no stronger instinct. I would ditch and run

The wife’s clothes still in the spare room, along with the travel - massive alarm bells.

I was in a relationship with a man like this in my twenties. He love bombed me then began to put me down and control me. He was cheating the whole time too. By the time I left, my sense of self was so damaged - ten years later and I’m still recovering! Please don’t make my mistake. Listen to your gut, I should have listened to mine.

I wouldn't say the message about whether you could go into self imposed lockdown to study was really mean. But if you've a gut feeling about him go with it.
You clearly are very determined and you don't need someone negative bringing you down.
Just start leaving the communication to a minimum and see if he does anything?

Love bombing
Mean
Controlling
Putting you down

Don't bother with a conversation. There is NOTHING you can do to change him.

Just dump him and move on before he permanently damages your self esteem.

Walk away, something is triggering you and you should listen to it. Remember, it's not what people say it's how they say it.

You sound like an intellectually smart woman, focus on that. I get the feeling you are selling youself short with this guy and he knows it, hence him feeling the need to splash out on you.

Find someone on your level, with a bit more substance.

Haven’t RTFT but this is negging. It can be subtle and leave you confused, but that’s usually the point of it. I would trust your gut and walk away.

Trust your gut. He's love bombing you whilst putting you down and hoping to chip at your self esteem.

His sulking speaks volumes.

You're clearly bright, don't get sucked in with this one any further.

The comments I think don’t sound cruel, but I guess could easily be taken that way. I guess he is insecure about you going out as he knows you get a lot of attention, so maybe some of that coming across in the messages. The gifts etc are fine, he’s in a new relationship and it doesn’t sound OTT. I find the silent treatment really petty and annoying, so guess he is peed off about that. I’d have just said that’s a bit mean if I felt his comment was off, but I personally don’t see those messages being that bad. But if other things are making you wary, then there’s probably a good reason for that, i’m just going by those comments only.

This all sounds too intense, too soon. He's never going to keep upthis level of attention, gifts etc, it's artificial. Put in some healthy boundaries which you haven't to date, and focus on your phd, that's far more important than this attention seeker. He sounds like a real PITA

This.

You only withdrew contact because he was being an absolute dick. He is not worth your time or your angst. x

I voted “YABU” because I thought it meant you’re being unreasonable to think you’ve messed things up.

something sounds off. If it feels off, trust yourself.

he’s monitoring you like that and negging you about your goal? Already? Oh hell no.

and the “new low” comment with a winking face just gives me massive ick.

he sounds like a creep.

His comments are cruel and unsupportive.

Listen to your gut instinct…. Just let this fancy fish go!

You sound beautiful and I’m sure you’ll find someone more suitable.