2 months into dating - have I messed up?

[Heidi5764]

I’ve been dating a guy for 2 months he’s been very consistent - taking me on really nice dates, remembering the small details. However, after about a month I had a gut feeling that perhaps he wasent as genuine as I thought - still can’t put my finger on it but something started to feel off. He travels with work a lot (like everyweek) so we only see each other once a week.

Im not sure if he started to love bomb - he is in contact every day, tells me I give him butterfly’s, told me I could use his car while he was on holiday, bought me concert tickets, booked us a spa weekend. Showers me with so much affection and non stop compliments. Told me he would pay for me to go on a really expensive course. On the last holiday he was on he sent a bottle of champagne to my house (this was a month in) and booked the spa hotel whilst he was on holiday.

He’s on holiday at the moment for 2 weeks and the last time we went on holiday (month ago now) his messages were really warm, would send lots of voice notes, pics etc.

I went on a night out to some different bars/clubs on Friday night with a friend, and he text me saying it was a ‘new low’ that I had gone there and put a winking face. I don’t know if I am being too sensitive but it really bothered me. He goes out every night on holiday and I’ve never commented.

Im also doing a PhD and he’s been supportive and been proofreading my work. However, in the same day as that message he made a bit of a joke about what I’m doing and implied I wouldn’t make my goals. I took offence to this even though it was done in a ‘jokey’ way.

I decided that I wanted to pull back from him a little (I was in an abusive relationship for 10yrs - and it felt like these ‘jokes’ were a bit off) so I didn’t text him all day yesterday. Today I sent a very short message, normally I send warm messages with lots of emojis - but I simply said ‘I will reach the goal. How’s the holiday going?’ Hes not responded all day and posted a pic of him out at a club on social media.

I feel like he’s not really done anything wrong and I feel that I should have just been my normal self in the message - kind of regretting it now. When ever he takes a while to reply he always says sorry for the delay, but I just went completley quiet for 24 hours.

Do you think I’ve messed things up by acting like this or do you think I should pull back? Are there red flags in his behaviour or am I overreacting.

This doesn’t sound like a put down to me. It sounds like something people say to me
when I say I’m not booking any more holidays, or staying at home for a few weeks - because they know that would be very out of character!

Nightclub wise, again is it not a bit of a dive or somewhere younger people tend to go and he’s just joking?

At least 50% of mine and my husband’s very happy marriage involves winding the other up!

Just to add though, the rest is totally weird and OTT - the gifts etc. That’s what would set my spidey senses off, not a joke about whether you will or won’t stick to not socialising!

I'm an extremely good judge of character but also extremely trusting. That's a no from me.

There's really no need for someone to piss on your parade. Who needs that in their life?

See this as an experiment in trusting your gut. Ultimately you and you alone get to decide if you want to be around someone who speaks negatively about you.

These things are built on shared funny experiences - 'do you remember the time when ... ' not someone laughing at you.

I think also some of your later comments are relevant too.

I just think these are early signs not to ignore.

This

And you KNOW this yourself.
Women are so heavily conditioned by society that a relationship and man is prize.

If you "messed it up" good! Because honestly its been 8 weeks this is all too much and when I met my dh we moved reasonably fast.

Also something I wish i han known and a lot of women seem to say.. when I met my dh I wasnt giddy or love sick it was just really "nice" (by this is mean it was just pleasant, truly pleasant) and it was very easy and calm.

I found it disconcerting as generally I was in bad relationships so was suspicious about the niceness / lack of drama 😅

Dump this guy there's too many red flags

You haven’t messed things up and you’re not overreacting.

What he is doing is text book mind fuckery. He love bommbed you, reeling you in. It’s quite seductive, almost addictive. Once he was confident you were hooked, he started undermining you. You start doubting yourself and he gains more control over you and the relationship. At some point he will switch back to love bombing. You might be so relieved you won’t notice that he is putting much less effort into it than before, you’ll just be glad your instincts were wrong and he does still want you. That switching back and forth, will continue until you are so confused you will put up with whatever crap he throws at you.

But your instincts are not wrong. I think you should run for the hills. But I can see that probably looks drastic if you haven’t seen for yourself how this type of behaviour plays out. If you’re going to continue with him, keep this in the back of your mind, maybe read up on the game etc. and don’t settle for less than you deserve

Hi @Heidi5764
From the thread so far, sounds like you have one foot out of the relationship and that things are off.

You feel you may have messed up in what way? Stopping to examine the situation or going "cold" on him? There is no script and you dont have to drop everything when a message arrives but it can interrupt the "flow".

My view is:
Love bombing
Sending the champagne is a grand gesture but who drinks a bottle of champagne on their own?

Possible future faking eg "will pay for studies" or words to that affect. Dont be beholding to this person if that ever happens

Controlling
I would not feel good if I were presented with something like "no small talk" after sex and the "kicking you out". I would have had to follow that up. Maybe their work is on their mind and stressed but I would need an explaination to continue from that.

On a separate note, I would be concerned ex's clothes still in wardrobe. Did you discuss that? (If I were in his shoes, I would ask ex to or donate to chairty shop - certainly wouldnt give them wardrobe space because that is weird to me)

The "new low" made me sit up and pay attention also. I would be texting just a "?" or "how so"? to see if it was a bad joke that doesnt translate to text or they were trying to control my choices.

Lovebombing can be followed by abrupt ghosting so get ready for the drop if he has gone quiet and know that he is playing a game. If I were to continue in this relationship, I would be pulling them up on the things you mention to denote your personal standards of behaviour and boundaries.

Good luck and prioritise your goals before this relationship is my advice. It doesnt mean you cant do both if you wanted. Be clear why you are proceeding if you do x

Thank you for all the messages, I've been reading these this morning they've been really helpful- it's good to hear a second opinion and get different perspectives.

He sounds awful. Your gut is right. He a faker, and you’ve been having a glimpse of his true personality. Sounds like he wants to control you. Doesn’t sound like a very nice person. Did the previous gf leave him or other way around? I’ll hazard a guess she left him. Make sure you do t become an outlet for his anger and indignation about that. Do you have any littlies in the mix? Can’t work out what age group you are.

@LittleMonks11 Im 35 and hes 31, I have a 9 year old DD but he doesnt have kids. Yeah he said she ghosted him - but I find that hard to believe because they had been together since they were teenagers up until December/ Jan this year.

This alone doesn’t make sense - marriages don’t end because someone “ghosts” the other - there’s so much to untangle especially finances!

I don’t think they were married

@jolies1 I know, and she's moved back in with her parents and he's been round a few times to pick things up so definitely doesn't add up as they shared a house together and a rental property

I wouldn't of been offended by that message tbh. I would take that more as will you manage to stay in all that time type thing rather than you won't achieve what you need to.
However I think there are a few red flags in other things you've said, I would bin now before you waste any more time on him. He seems to be on holiday a lot!

I would assume the PhD lockdown comment and the ‘new low’ were innocuous jokes, but the rest of the relationship sounds far more concerning — way too full on too early, especially as his wife appears to have barely moved out, quite apart from anything else.

Yeah he said she ghosted him - but I find that hard to believe because they had been together since they were teenagers up until December/ Jan this year.

I'd would be totally totally alarmed by this.
It's a huge red flag.
People do not do this for zero reason.

I definitely don’t think you’re imagining it. This man doesn’t sound like good news to me. I’m seeing red flags just from your description.

I think if he was genuine and he received the message about how you will reach your goals, he would reflect on it and why, and realise he made a mistake joking about that and would be keen to tell you that? It's like the first little test for him to show he knows how to have a disagreement or come up against misunderstanding in your communication, let's face it all relationships do and it's healthy to be able to do it without being a dick? I don't think you're being sensible based on what you've described, so stick to your instincts

Now you have posted what he said, I dont think that is negging in the slightest. Everyone replying has not seen what he actually wrote.

Nah that's definitely off, he's trying to control what you do and where you go when he's away. Nope, listen to your radar it should be even more tuned to this stuff than others considering you've been in an abusive relationship before.

Yes this is lovebombing and controlling. Double standards. I'd go ghost and forget about him.

Focus on your PhD. Congrats btw you're doing really well OP, you're going to do just fine without all this drama x

Well, you have to remember, most the people on MN are man-haters and would advise you dump anybody you were dating.

A just as likely explanation is that the OTT gifts are a function of him earning lots of money and trying to compensate for being insecure from his relationship breakup and time spent away travelling a lot - he’s trying to buy you affection, hardly the end of the world. And the message just seemed like banter to me, men do it all the time.

However, his behaviour is unlikely to change so if it bothers you, move on.

I'm not a man hater, but I'm certainly not fond of abusive, negging, love-bombing men (or women)

OP I agree with PPS, there are enough red flags and you should trust your gut instincts.

I had a similar relationship. The guy was very nice to me, but about 2 months in I started to be unhappy about how he behaved with other people. I remember thinking, it's only a matter of time until he turns that on me .. . and sure enough he did. And I ended the relationship straight away.

Too early fpr drama, should be the honeymoon phase OP. Trust your gut instinct.

There are tons of red flags here. I do think you should dump him but I'm also wondering whether he's actually separated and whether he actually works abroad. I just don't think I would believe anything he said. He tells you things to make you lose confidence in yourself while buying you shit like flowers to make you feel like you're going crazy.