Breakdown in friend group - who is right?

[Tornad]

I’m not either of these two people.

P, W and 3 others have been friend since school, almost 30 years. Now all getting married, having children, etc. Don’t live locally to one another but still close and see each other very regularly (almost always as a group or one-on-one - i.e. we would never meet up as a three or a four without everyone being invited).

W has always been high maintenance as a friend. She expects us to be there for her, get birthday presents, attend birthday events, etc. She also gives out the same energy. She will always organise gifts,I’ve heaven and earth to attend special moments and be on the end of the phone. So, she’s not a hypocrite or a taker. She just expects a lot from friendship in general.

P has always been more relaxed. Unreliable, late to things, forgets things, doesn’t respond for months at a time, didn’t hear her phone… but she’s really fun to be around. Witty, cool, energetic. But, since having her own kids, P has also become quite high maintenance. Everything is a drama, the world is ending every couple of weeks, everything revolves around her DS. She’s very “crunchy mum” and makes her opinions known on our parenting and nutrition. I’m hoping this will pass because I wouldn’t befriend her if I met her now.

Anyway. W is pregnant and being induced early. She hasn’t said but I assume this is for medical reasons. They don’t tend to induce early just for fun. The date for the induction is P’s birthday. P is furious about this. She thinks that W has done this on purpose to usurp her birthday. She has vowed to never speak to W again and says that it’s “the final straw”.

My initial thought is that P is being ridiculous but, the more I think about it, W has always made a big deal out of birthdays and now P won’t be W’s focus on her birthday, her DD/DS will be.

Who is right here?

One of my friends gave birth to her son on my daughter's birthday, I thought that was lovely.

My sister-in-law gave birth (somewhat traumatically) on her own birthday, it was not a fun day for her, but she loves sharing a birthday with her son.

P is behaving like an immature twat, with a chronic case of main character syndrome.

I was thinking of those letters but more NPD!

Asking who is unreasonable I think is what some people are taking umbrage at, rather than saying this is my friend this is what has happened she is a very strange woman. The fact that you are asking who is right or wrong is the issue, because it can only be one answer. It is making people question your sanity I think because it is so obvious who is wrong.

As a group of grown up women you all sound remarkably immature. This is life, stuff happens. Get on with it.

I am ashamed to confess that I behaved very like P when my brother was born on my birthday but I was 7 and my party had to be cancelled as my mum and DB were in hospital for ages.

Someone commented saying W is a psycho…

Not rtft but an induction date is given, you can’t select one. Also let’s be honest she’ll start the induction process on that day but then be sat around waiting to go to the labour ward for agggeeeesss before labouring for hpuuuurrrs. It’s very unlikely she’ll deliver on that same day so the other friend will be fine. But it’s a mad reaction. Your friends sound terrifying

P sounds like a pain in the arse!

Seven year olds get a free pass for throwing tantrums about their birthdays. People old enough to have been friends for 39 years, not so much.

One person said IF W had done it on purpose she would be a psycho

Amen!!

Sometimes I really do wonder if I should make more of an effort to have local adult female friendships. I then read or hear about stuff like this and realise I'm better off maintaining the friendships I already have and pottering about as a semi loner.

They both sound loopy. Considering you all have families do you not spend your birthdays with your actual families so siblings, partners or children? Just because she is induced on the day doesn't mean her baby will arrive on the day does it? My only experience of induction lasted 3 days and failed so I'm no expert here. It was an early induction for heightened risk of still birth and if someone had moaned about something like this to me I'd have ended the friendship.

I'm an adult that does like a fuss on my birthday but even still this is absurd.

She ignored me. I’m also being ignored by another friend in the group when I messaged and called her (about something completely unrelated). It’s unusual for either P (nowadays) or the other friend to not respond for a week so made me question if I’m wrong and that P does have a point. I thought I’d ask here for some impartial opinions on whether my initial instinct was right or if I’m actually wrong.

Interestingly, I’m apparently a weirdo, a psycho, need to grow, should fuck off, over dramatic and an awful person who shouldn’t have any friends… even though all except two comments have agreed with me!

"My initial thought is that P is being ridiculous but, the more I think about it, W has always made a big deal out of birthdays and now P won’t be W’s focus on her birthday, her DD/DS will be.
Who is right here?"

What are we supposed to be agreeing with?

Does P stand for prat or princess? Coz she is one.

That P is in the wrong and being ridiculous.

“I tried to be as balanced as I could in my OP but I completely agree with you - I just wanted to see if I was missing something.
I have already said to P:

• That she is likely being induced for medical reasons.
• That she may not give birth on that day anyway.
• That she probably didn’t have a choice.
• That she has lots of friends and family, so the likelihood of it falling on someone’s birthday is pretty high.”

What don’t you agree with? What have I said that you actually disagree with (without inventing something).

The long and short of it is that people can't understand why you are giving head space to this ridiculous saga!

You now seem to be arguing with people on this thread.

I'm sorry to say but you all need to grow up.

Utterly bizarre that another friend in the group is now ignoring you given you’ve pointed out P’s twatty ignorance! Do you think they may just be trying to stay well out of it?

@Tornad well you are not wrong and rather than just keeping your head down you've tried to smooth things between two friends - not much more you can do. It is really hard to let go of friends but if P is going off on her own route like this, you really don't have to keep trying to hold on. Don't be made to feel guilty.

I think this might be because your poll isn't entirely clear.

"My initial thought is that P is being ridiculous but, the more I think about it, W has always made a big deal out of birthdays and now P won’t be W’s focus on her birthday, her DD/DS will be."

So which option is which? I initially voted YABU because I agree with your initial thought - P is being ridiculous. Then realised I had to switch to YANBU for that.

P = 100% ridiculous

Well this thread went sideways 😳

@Tornad I would give up on some of the side conversations here, it’s probably not worth it.

I think you should probably just listen to those who are saying to not get involved. Drop the whole thing let a few weeks pass and then pick up with the group as normal. This whole situation has probably been moved into the drama category unnecessarily. If P was in a snit about her birthday the best course of action would have have been to do the “hmmm mmmm I can see how you would feel that way” thing and not try to change her mind. Let it be between her and W.

I will never understand why grown adults make such a big deal about birthday's.

Surely P's concern should be her friends health and why she requires an induction.

This whole drama is ridiculous

And this sort of shit is why I left my old friendship group! So much drama and bitchiness

I wasn’t speaking to them about it - I was messaging and calling because we agreed to go to a festival together this weekend and were sorting logistics for that.

From my perspective, I got a long, crying voice note from P. I responded saying what I’ve said here (i.e. probably medical, no choice on dates, doesn’t really matter, etc). No response. Then silence from the other friend too (having messaged several times a week for years). This reaction made me wonder if I had potentially missed something.

And, according to mumsnet, I’m an awful person because I didn’t simply cease to exist when this happened. I have people tell me I’m awful for not tearing into P and people tell me I’m awful for speaking to P at all - either way, I’m the bad guy 🙄😂

Op you've had some really weird messages on this thread.
Several posters berating you for giving the situation (i.e. whether to continue with a friendship of more than 30 years, something I think most people would take a little time to ponder rather than just dumping a friend the moment they do something annoying) any "headspace" at all while missing the irony that they, people who have no involvement in said scenario and which will have no effect on them whatsoever are themselves giving it "headspace" and wasting their time commenting!