To cut off a male friend for insisting I invite my estranged dad to my wedding?

[ThatCarmineHeron]

I’ve been NC with my family for 5 years. The estrangement is intentional, necessary and not up for debate.

A male friend has repeatedly insisted I invite my dad, who’s still married to my mum, to my wedding. He’s said things like “culturally it’s wrong/as the eldest you have a duty/your partner’s family will judge you/people will wonder what kind of wife you’ll be if you could cut off your family/a real man would want to meet your father before marrying you.”

He even said he wouldn’t stay with a woman who’d cut off her dad/family. I’ve made it clear that my decision isn’t up for negotiation but he keeps pushing. I find it deeply invalidating and honestly offensive.

AIBU to cut him off completely for this?

No need for anything so melodramatic if you otherwise value the frydndship. Just say ‘I’m going to have to stop you there, Nigel.’

'I’ve made it clear that my decision isn’t up for negotiation but he keeps pushing. I find it deeply invalidating and honestly offensive.'

I don't blame you one bit. He can have his opinion but it's none of his business and he needs to stop harassing you about this. Is he usually this overbearing?

Respect from me for making what I know to be a very painful and complex decision re your family. I hope you're healing well x

You have your reasons and the full story isn’t up for debate. It’s your wedding. Presumably your betrothed is aware of the guest list and supportive of your conclusions?

then why is this other person chipping in? What do they want to gain other than upsetting you?

a quite large portion of my family was not invited to my own wedding. Anyone who decided to query my decision was told in no uncertain terms that they had their own invite but that didn’t come with the right to question the guestlist.

Not sure what being male has to do with it?

It sounds more like culture comes into play rather than a penis.

But ultimately you can cut your friends off for any reason and he does sound annoying to be fair.

Tell him to mind his own business.

What's it got to do with him. If he's a family member that you don't want to upset then change the subject every time it comes up and be really firm.

If you're not that bothered show him where the door is every time. Your wedding, your choice.

People don't understand when they've not been through crap. They push you as they are thinking of it from their point of view. They worry what people will think of them as your friend. Stick to your guns.

My mum told my grandmother/birth dad's mum she'd kill herself if I didn't invite her to my wedding. I didn't invite her.

She's not dead.

He doesn’t sound like a friend! And no friend of mine would dare try to tell me what to do or how to behave. What difference does it make to your life whether he’d want a wife who’s cut off her dad? He’s not the one you’re getting married to.

He’s the billionth man on this planet who’s trying to make a woman do what he, a man, thinks she should be doing. You’re an affront to him and his understanding of the world. You’re not obliged to live by his world view. You’re free to live however you want to live.

Little weasel. Who does he think he is?!

Thank you, really appreciate this. It has been a painful decision but one I stand by fully. And yes, the overbearing dynamic is starting to feel like a pattern. I’ve given him enough chances to stop pushing, I think I needed to hear that this isn’t just me being sensitive.

I don't know if you actually need to cut him off, but you can certainly tell him to mind his own business and not to mention it to you again. And then I suppose if he still goes on about it, you can end contact with him or suspend it for a while.

Exactly this. Thank you. My partner knows everything and has been fully supportive throughout, which is why this friend’s constant commentary has felt so jarring. I’m not looking to rehash painful decisions or justify myself, just to be respected. And you’re right - an invite to the wedding doesn’t include a say in the guest list.

I’d go for 🖐️ “let me stop you right there” if he starts. “This isn’t up for discussion and you either respect that I have my reasons as my friend or the friendship is over”.

I mentioned that he’s male because he explicitly framed some of his arguments in gendered terms - saying things like “a real man would want to meet your father” and implying that my partner should be concerned about my estrangement. So yes, culture is a part of it but so is his view of masculinity and what a woman ‘owes’ her family. That dynamic is very much part of why it felt so invalidating.

Why are you even wanting to maintain friendship with such a sexist wankstain?

So when you've said its not up for debate, how have you delivered that - like, 'look, you're really upsetting me now, its my decision and I will live with whatever consequences it brings, I appreciate your concern but you need to stop bringing it up now, I've heard you loud and clear?' Or maybe a bit softer? To be clear i think he's being a misogynistic arsehole and you dont owe him a polite explanation at all.

Yanbu, but I think I'd just laugh it off, tell him he's entitled to apply his views to his wedding but your wedding is bugger all to do with him, , and then ignore him.

Is it worth losing a friend over?

To be honest they don’t sound much of a friend at all. They are not respecting your wishes and are trying to guilt trip you. Even calling your partner not a real man for not meeting them is going too far.
I would seriously sit and think if you want this person at your wedding, it wouldn’t surprise me if they talk behind your back at the wedding to anyone who will listen.
Its you and your future husband’s day don’t let this ‘friend’ ruin it.

Is it a cultural thing as to why he's struggling to accept this?

Tell him to mind his own business

Is this the first time he's ever shown himself to be a sexist wanker who pushes his own culture and male views onto women?

Why are you even friends?

Is it really a friend?

sounds like a misogynist prick

What's it got to do with him who goes to your wedding?

Tell him to mind his own bloody business or he won't get an invite either.

Yeah… the more I sit with it, the more I realise how off it really was.

I've been estranged from my parents (by choice) for over six years and I have had countless relatives make comments along the lines of "But it's your mother" or encourage me to "make peace."

People falsely and shockingly assume that I've cut contact over a trivial argument, not a lifetime of daily abuse and misery.

I have sadly had no choice but to distance myself from those who add further salt to my wounds by behaving as your male friend is doing. I wish I had a good comeback for you as I still don't have a good one for myself.

Your "friend" is not being a friend at all. You do not deserve this and you never asked for his opinion on a very personal family matter.