To cut off a male friend for insisting I invite my estranged dad to my wedding?

[ThatCarmineHeron]

I’ve been NC with my family for 5 years. The estrangement is intentional, necessary and not up for debate.

A male friend has repeatedly insisted I invite my dad, who’s still married to my mum, to my wedding. He’s said things like “culturally it’s wrong/as the eldest you have a duty/your partner’s family will judge you/people will wonder what kind of wife you’ll be if you could cut off your family/a real man would want to meet your father before marrying you.”

He even said he wouldn’t stay with a woman who’d cut off her dad/family. I’ve made it clear that my decision isn’t up for negotiation but he keeps pushing. I find it deeply invalidating and honestly offensive.

AIBU to cut him off completely for this?

Ghost him. Or at least go low contact. What right has he to say these things? Dickhead.

I would tell him look Nigel once and for all it’s not up for debate. I am not interested in what you have to say, you know nothing about why this decision has been reached you just have to accept it’s my decision and I am not changing my mind. Please stop now. If you feel you can’t then I fully understand why you will be refusing the invite to my wedding

If your friend is invited to your wedding, I think I would consider withdrawing his invitation. He is showing you and your DP no respect whatsoever.

I would be reminding him you have no problem going NC with family, and would be happy to apply the same to a friend.

I think you are at the point where you have to spell it out to him that its your decision, its not up for debate and his persistence is upsetting/pissing you off. If he cant get on board with your choices he is free not to attend.

All that matters is that you've had the discussion with your fiancé explaining why you are NC with your family and he/she supports you. If your friend knows the details, but still pushes tell him "enough" because he's now over stepping. If it continues, on this topic or in others, then obviously you need to distance yourself in whatever way you need.

I’ve thought about that. I don’t think he would but this situation has made me reassess how much I trust him. When someone repeatedly overrides your boundaries ‘out of concern’, it’s hard to know where their self-righteousness might take them. I’ll definitely be more careful with details going forward, just in case.

You realise that he has absolutely no respect for you? Or your husband-to-be, because you don't conform to regressive gender stereotypes.

I'd be rescinding his wedding invite.

He is completely overstepping.

I personally would cut him off.

I am estranged from my mother and all her family and there are very good reasons for that.

Anyone who tried to 'tell me off' and criticise me for it would be out of my life in an instant.

It sounds like sexism/misogyny also play a part in his behaviour so that's one more reason not to have that negative influence in your life.

I was terrified in the run up to my wedding the estranged in-laws would gatecrash. All was fine in the end (and my fears were irrational as I didn’t have a pillock like your friend in the mix, but I was worried someone didn’t know the situation and might casually mention like “oh what are you wearing to the wedding to them?” to them etc), but you don’t need that stress over your head.

This guy is a royal piece of shit. I’d get incredibly blunt with him. Don’t explain what happened with your dad. Give your friend no oxygen to argue with. You just say:

shut it, Nige. Ya dick! This isn’t up for discussion. Try to gaslight or convince me or even mention my dad one more time me this friendship is over. You are unacceptable.

I had one guest ask me why ILs weren’t invited and a splash of “oh but they’re the ppppppparents!”, and I said “it’s not happening. End of.” and it was never mentioned again. That guest was a childhood friend of DH’s and he read a blessing in the ceremony. So, that’s my barometer for the weird shit your friend is doing

And I'd be worried he'll ruin the wedding by constantly mentioning it or if he knows them, telling them.

I think I would be uninviting him to the wedding. The fact that he doesn't even know why you are no contact yet is still pressuring you is insane. He has no idea what you have been through, what your reasons were and how much you struggled with the decision. Yet despite his lack of insight he thinks he is right and is trying to force his opinion onto you on what is going to be one of the most important days of your life.

Have the invites already gone out? If not, do you want this guy as part of your wedding? Is he also friends with your soon to be DH?

Agree - and I get this feeling that if the OP, for experiment’s sake, told the friend that the dad tried to kill her and her childhood pet or something else just awful (or actually the truth, whatever that may be), the friend still wouldn’t budge and would downplay any trauma with the oft-spouted “but he’s your daaaaaad. You only have one”

No, the invites haven’t gone out yet and no, I’m seriously questioning whether I want someone who’s shown so little respect for my boundaries to be there. He’s my friend, not my fiancé’s and I don’t think that obligates me to keep him in the picture.

Just rip the piss out of him. “Hey, it’s another repeat of Ollie’s Unsolicited Opinions! Hey Dave, everyone, gather round, you know you can’t hear this bullshit too many times”. That should get rid of him.

I don't think you are melodramatic. I would be deeply offended that a "friend" repeatedly tried to dictate to me who I should invite to my wedding. His views may be cultural but he seems to be putting male importance in the culture ahead of the wishes and feelings of his friend/ the person getting married.

I would be thinking very carefully if I wanted him at my wedding at all.

Not quite the same thing but when my friend got married her husband didn't invite his father who had been largely absent by choice most of his life. His aunt (the father's sister) has stated in touch and was invited. Before the wedding she kept hectoring for groom to invite his father. There was no indication that the father was remotely interested. He said no, the wedding went ahead. During the evening reception the aunt was rather worse for drink and took the groom aside to lecture him about his "wrong" decision. Bride went over to try and calm things and aunt turned to full on shouting and crying and was then told to leave by bride's parents. It was bloody awful. I'm not suggesting your friend will behave as badly as that but if you think he'll continue "telling you off" on the day maybe you won't want to risk that spoiling things.

Bin him off! How can Nigel honestly sit there in the service and smile and suppprt the marriage like a good guest when he’s really up in arms about you and your dad?

Im being ironic-not-ironic, but…good vibes only.

If it was me, I would end this friendship as I couldn't personally be friends with a misogynist, and this guy is very clearly misogynist. Best of luck, OP. I hope your wedding goes well and that you have a long and happy marriage, with as few toxic people in your life as possible. ❤️

Cut off this weird bellend

Well done for standing your ground, and congratulations x

I think Nigel needs to be an ex-friend. He’s riding roughshod over your boundaries and being damn rude about your financé into the bargain.

True friends back you to the hilt, don’t expect explanations and only want the best for you, they don’t try and impose their unwanted opinions on you concerning a topic that literally has nothing to do with them.

Nigel wouldn’t be coming to my wedding with an attitude like that and I would seriously be considering if my life might just be better off without him in it.

I wouldn't be happy with a friend (of either sex) trying to railroad me like that.

I wonder what his issue is? Is he a golden child of a narc parent? That he doesn't even realise?

Either way, it seems healthier to cut him off.

Why are you saying “they” when OP has said he is a male friend?

Sounds like he’s used to women doing as he (& all men) says and cannot handle the fact that you are standing up for yourself - and quite rightly so! Well done btw, I know that’s a very difficult decision to make.

He sounds like an arse and no, I don't think you should continue being friends with him. I'd tell him to fuck right off!

Oh so now he thinks he’s a relationship expert. I’d tell him to fuck off OP. He doesn’t respect your opinions or boundaries, he doesn’t see you as a friend just a silly woman to be directed.