To cut off a male friend for insisting I invite my estranged dad to my wedding?

[ThatCarmineHeron]

I’ve been NC with my family for 5 years. The estrangement is intentional, necessary and not up for debate.

A male friend has repeatedly insisted I invite my dad, who’s still married to my mum, to my wedding. He’s said things like “culturally it’s wrong/as the eldest you have a duty/your partner’s family will judge you/people will wonder what kind of wife you’ll be if you could cut off your family/a real man would want to meet your father before marrying you.”

He even said he wouldn’t stay with a woman who’d cut off her dad/family. I’ve made it clear that my decision isn’t up for negotiation but he keeps pushing. I find it deeply invalidating and honestly offensive.

AIBU to cut him off completely for this?

Somewhere in between honestly. I’ve been firm but probably too polite, just said things like “I’ve made my decision and it’s not up for discussion.” I didn’t go into the emotional impact it was having because I didn’t feel I should have to justify myself. But the more he pushed, the more I realised how little respect he was showing. You’re right, I don’t owe him a polite explanation and I think I’ve been giving him more grace than he deserves.

Best response to a thread wver.

Short, succinct and spot on 🤣

That’s fair but for me it’s less about a difference of opinion and more about the persistent disrespect. I’ve already said clearly that this isn’t up for discussion yet he keeps pushing, making sexist and judgemental comments about what kind of wife I’ll be. At that point it stops being a friend having a view and starts becoming controlling and invalidating. So yes, I do think it’s worth reconsidering the friendship.

I had a male friend who eventually revealed himself to be a misogynist. He was most put-out and actually bordering on outraged anger that I wouldn't date his (super unattractive) friend. Felt like he thought he owned me and could tell me what to do with my vagina. Revolting. Patronising.

Yes, culture definitely plays a role in how he sees it but cultural norms don’t override personal boundaries. I’ve explained my decision and it’s not up for negotiation. He’s allowed to find it difficult to understand but I’m not okay with being repeatedly pressured or judged for doing what’s right for me.

I don’t know how you could even be friends with someone who is so culturally misogynistic.
Good riddance.

“Fred, you’re behaving badly. Stop telling me what to do- this is something you don’t know anything about. If you keep on, I will uninvite you from the wedding and end our friendship, which would be a shame.”

Unless you want to end the friendship.

In hindsight, I think this has been the most blatant instance but there have been other smaller comments in the past that I probably brushed off. This situation has made me reflect more deeply and I’m honestly reassessing the friendship now. Sometimes it takes a line being crossed for you to really take stock.

Sorry but a friend who puts 'duty' and 'appearance' over their so called friend isn't worthy of being called one imo

Or "Fuck off Nigel - its got nothing to do with you, and if you don't stop wittering on, you'll be in the same boat as my father - your choice!"

Who does he think he is?

He isn't and hasn't ever been a friend op, he doesn't even like women, or think of them as equals, he has insulted yourself and your soon to be husband, I would rescind his invitation to your wedding.

A man, therefore in his mind he has the authority to tell op as a female ( beneath him ) how she should be behaving.

I speak from experience when I say this. It's a very painful choice to cut off family. It's not done lightly and it's not done without a long history of completely unacceptable behaviour from said family. What concerns me about your friend's attitude is he's minimising your feelings in all of this and trying to railroad you into something you don't want to do on your wedding day. Instead of having your back, he seems to be considerably more invested in the feelings of the other parties. I'd be questioning where his loyalties lie. I'd tell him one final time that your decision is final and if he doesn't feel comfortable with that then both you and your future spouse will understand if he doesn't wish to attend the wedding. It will be interesting to see what choice he makes.

Are you the same culture as him? Just asking as that might give his argument more leverage. If you’re not it’s easy to shrug off. Either way, well done for sticking to your guns.

If you want to keep the friendship you have a choice of telling him firming you do not wish to discuss it again or you brush it back each time ‘your father should be at the wedding’ you reply invite him to yours

Why does he have any say in who is at your wedding?

@ThatCarmineHeron I would question your friend regarding his very male hierarchy thoughts!! do womens' feelings not merit attention???

We’re not from the same background and even so, he’s married to someone who was also NC with her parents when they met. He encouraged her to reconcile, which she chose to do but that was her decision. What I find frustrating is that he’s projecting that outcome onto me, as if my circumstances must follow the same path. I’ve made my choice after years of experience and I expect it to be respected.

Exactly - he shouldn’t. I’ve made it very clear that this is my decision and not up for debate but he keeps inserting himself as if he has some kind of authority or insight that overrides my lived experience. It’s that entitlement that’s made me reconsider the friendship altogether.

Got the T shirt, OP.

I don’t want to panic you, but is there any chance your “friend” tells your parent the venue and details? I mean, after the videographer thread, god knows what someone do under their definition of care and concern

Is he referring to any particular culture or just some vague concept of the word? Seems an odd way to frame it!

But yeah he sounds intrusive and a bit of a dick.

If you don't cut him off (I would, for assuming he knows better for me than I do), next time he says anything just really enthusiastically thank him for offering to pay to accommodate your enormous family.

When he says he's not paying for your wedding, tell him to butt out then.

He doesn’t respect you. He isn’t your friend.

That’s what’s been so frustrating. It feels like he’s prioritising tradition, appearances, and male ‘respectability’ over my actual lived experience. At no point has he really asked how I feel or what led to the estrangement (although that’s none of his business tbh), just pushed what he thinks is right. It’s exhausting.