My neighbour allows kids to play at her house

[Eolhc1990]

OK so I feel like a bit of an @ssh0le here but this is driving me crazy. Last year I moved into a new house with my husband and DC (now 6 and 3) we live on a small quiet road with only a few houses. There are kids under 8 in 5 of those houses. We have front gardens but the kids that are 7/8 years old play on the street riding bikes/scooters etc and they can be loud which is a bit annoying but its kids what can you do. Anyway one of the other families is a lady with a 5 year old child and a baby. Because her child is too young to play on the road she will let the older neighbour kids play in her front garden, she will set up a table with play doh or paint or today a splash pad! and the kids will play there for a few hours while she sits and watches.... my problem is now everytime I try to bring my kids in from creche I'm getting pestered by them to go over there.
She always invites them and is a very sweet lady but by the time my kids are home it's 6pm and I just want to get them in and into the bath etc.
With the recent warm weather this is EVERY evening im dreading this evening because il have to face a meltdown if i say no to them playing on the splashpad with the other kids and I just think its a lot. Im sure the other parents think this is great they can just leave their kids over there but for me it's a nightmare we are not really playdate house at the best of times. I prob need to get over it but just needed to vent. I feel like asking her can she get the kids to hide when I come home from work

So she is offering to have the mess at her house, you don’t like mess at your house surely this make the perfect solution? Messy activities are brilliant for kids development so if you can have them without the mess then that’s a win win for you surely?
As for if someone gets hurt- if needed you give first aid, call their parents, get more help etc. It’s not that likely to be a serious accident- probably an ice pack, maybe some antiseptic cream etc no big deal. If parents are happy for their kids to be playing there then they are happy that she is able to manage if something goes wrong

Mine go earlier in winter, later in summer.

It’s hot and they sleep better when it cools off.

Some of the local kids are around until 9ish. The year 6s etc.

it’s summer. Doesn’t last long. Make the most of it.

Airy fairy for engaging with the kids and doing a paper mache activity,? Her kids will thank her one day for doing all these fabulous activities with them and their friends.

If you cant get over what your neighbours are doing you need to parent your way and leave your lovely neighbour do her thing with little one's and their friends. But don't blame your neighbour if your little ones feel upset/angry if they can't join in because you made that choice not your neighbour.

It will be dark and grey in another few months, make the most of playing outside, too hot for routines anyway.

She sounds like a real life Miss Honey. Wonderful with children, caring, patient, creative and kind.

You OP, sound like you're going to make your children hate you because you're miserable and obsessed with tidiness and routine.

Agree with this. You lay the rules for your kids/house. You say "you can play there Tuesday and Thursday, other days it's family time in the evening" they'll whinge, but you decide. I personally wouldn't mind my kids to go play, but I'd also want ro spend some time as a family before/after dinner, so I decide when that happens.

Just to add, my kids whinge at me whatever the fuck I say, so frankly, I'm not scared of them complaining for yet another thing I told them to do/not to do 🤷‍♀️ Today, I got whinged at because the avocado was on the toast, not next to it, and because they wanted me to turn left and not right while driving because they were reading a sign. I mean, you can't let your kids decide what to do, they have zero logic!

😂 I had a disagreement with my 3 year old in the car the other day because apparently I wasn’t driving the right way home!

Let them join in! The weather will be shit again soon and they grow up so fast.

I have OCD (I don’t just like things clean and tidy, I have a diagnosis) and live my life in a similar way to you OP.

I like a strict routine so I know what to expect, I hate other people coming into my house and wouldn’t cope with the noise and mess from kids playing.

I would have desperately struggled watching the kids making paper mache because of how messy it is, it wouldn’t matter that it isn’t my house.
I would however appreciate someone doing the messy activities with my kids that I am unable to do.

I think your neighbour sounds like a lovely person and I wish I could be that laid back and carefree, I’d prefer my children to grow up like that as opposed to like me. If you struggle with tolerating mess and chaos at home then this is a good opportunity for your kids to experience more freedom and a relaxed happy environment.

I understand your routine works for you but you also have to think about what’s best for your kids, don’t you want them to look back at their childhood and have happy summer memories? You don’t get another childhood and the innocence is fleeting, there is plenty of time for early bedtimes, rules and structure in future - life is mostly like that as you get older.

What other things do you do with your kids? Will you be more relaxed in the holidays? What about weekends? If your kids don’t have play dates do they see other kids at the park or soft play? Is it just keeping your home nice that prevents your kids playing with other children?

You are the parent and in some situations you just need to say no and stick to it, if the kids continue mithering then teach them it doesn’t work. It would probably mean a lot if you said the occasional yes though, the more you relax the routine the easier it’ll get and that sense of panic will lessen.
Your kids don’t need a bath every night it’s not great for their skin, could you let them play during the time they would have a bath some nights?

This weather won’t last forever so you won’t have this issue for long, if you let your kids relax and play out you could use the time to yourself as an opportunity to do something nice for you as well.

🤣 I mean, to have the confidence of a preschooler, hey!

No. I once got mine out of bed for ice cream. They thought it was fantastic!

we have 4 houses in our road, with a grassy green and a smallish car park in front of us. We’ve had paddling pools out there, little tykes car races, ‘sports days’ adults watching kids with a glass of gin, picnics. If toys are in the front garden they4e fair game for all of them to use. Anything special lives in the back gardens.

We’ve all got whopping great play structures in our back gardens, and trampolines etc but the kids still love being out the front socialising together.

We get some kids from the adjoining streets too.

I feel like asking her can she get the kids to hide when I come home from work.

Im not sure if this is a joke or not but you really, really can’t do that 🤣 you honestly expect her to leap up and rush all the children (and their fun sounding games!) into her house when she sees you approaching/arriving home? Just no. If you don’t like your kids pestering that’s a you problem, not hers.

It’s reasonable that you want to keep to your own routine with your own kids. But surely you can see that your children’s routine doesn’t have to govern your next door neighbour’s choices? Other people are allowed to have kids over to play whether you like it or not. You just keep talking about what you want for your kids as if everyone should be planning their kids’ activities around yours. Be as annoyed as you want, but you need to accept that you neighbour isn’t behaving unreasonably by having kids over to play at her house with her kids.

This. She's her, and that's working for her. You are you, and that works for you. You don't need to match her style or energy, and she doesn't need to match yours.

Of course @Eolhc1990 can vent about a repeating situation making it more difficult to hold a boundary/routine that has been working for their family. I can understand where you're coming from OP that it's tough to repeatedly coach a child through the big emotions that go along with fomo. That's irksome at the best of times! But repeating boundaries and helping small people to cope with the resulting emotions seems to be a pretty regular part of parenting, not sure you can avoid it. Plus if you're in the kids shoes, one of those things means they're out having fun with friends and the other (whilst it's lovely to have a cosy time with mum) means they're getting ready for bed. You can totally see why that would be a tough trade to a kid.

So, if she isn't going to (and shouldn't have to) change her routine, and you aren't going to (and shouldn't have to) change yours, then are there ways you could get the kids on board with what you want to do? It is lovely to have a calming hour before bed, it is nice to talk through the day and read stories and have quality time at bath time and all the rest. My sisters kids are all grown up now and she says the dinner chats, bath games and snuggly stories are some of the bits she looks back on most fondly. So, can you set expectations with the kids, and get them looking forward to it in some way? Maybe you could choose the book you're going to read together before you leave the house, or the bath bubbles which will go in, or whatever it would be that they know earlier in the day that today is not a day for the splash pad. Then when you get home you can say 'Not today, we have 'x' to look forward to, remember?'.

My children are the same age as yours, and I'm steadily learning that the occasional break in the routine, or later night, doesn't mess everything up. It's nice to have flexibility and be able to enjoy the longer, warmer days on occasion. But again that's me, and you're you. At the end of the day you gotta do what works for you and your children.

I want to live on your road!! Sounds amazing!

I'm the playdate host in my cohort, and a (now very good) friend once told me I was a bit threatening in that I always had snacks or activities or whatever set up and she didn't know how I had the energy. But, I work PT and was happy to do it. I didn't expect anyone else to do it. I like doing stuff for other people, it genuinely makes me happy. I think once she learned that she relaxed a lot.

Your neighbor sounds like a lovely person. My DD was (and still is!) very shy so I would've been happy for her to join in on the fun. Since it's summer I would just suck it up and let her enjoy herself and accept that bath/bed time will be later for a couple of months.

@Eolhc1990you are being so unreasonable and ridiculous that your thread has cheered me right up. (The few posts that agree with you are comedy gold as well.) You keep saying that you can't understand why your neighbour allows other children to play in her garden. Do you really lack the imagination to realise that other people make choices that you wouldn't make? Because people are different. They are not all clones of you with identical thought processes. Fancy that.

You really don't have to say no to your children, you are choosing to. Maybe you enjoy the rigid routine you have set up, but your children clearly would like to join in with the others. Why not let them have fun a few nights a week? What is the actual harm?

But if you absolutely refuse to allow your children to join in the fun, then be a parent and say no. They probably will be upset which is perfectly understandable. It's up to you to cope with that. That you are even contemplating asking the neighbour to hide just so your kids won't see the other kids playing is absolutely hilarious. 😂

I actually wonder if I'm your neighbour....
I have kids that age. Street of 6 or so houses. My house is the magnet and I am more than happy with this! The big kids are so kind to my little one, the baby is entertained just by watching them, and the parents will do favours for me at the drop of a hat cos their kids are so often catered for here. I had a tuff tray and a load of chalk paint set up the other day and they did a mural on my driveway.
It's nice. I like my kid having friends of various ages. I like that the older tween type ones get an excuse to just play. I like kids in general!

We have one neighbour whose kids are never seen after they get home amd don't join, and it's a shame as the DD is closest in age to mine but hey ho.

Call me rigid but I grew up in a rural area where there weren't many other kids i had strict bedtimes no tv etc and i believe it was a positive thing for me i did well at school/work have a wonderful marriage etc so despite everyone thinking that my kids need to be feral to have a good childhood me and my husband both think that evening times should be family time.
My kids spend all day at school/creche with other kids and also do activities with other kids at the weekend. Evening times are family time. They whinged for 30 mins this evening when I said no to going over there and that was 30 mins we could have spent playing but hopefully they will get the message eventually.

You are really not doing yourself any favour.

Other children are "feral" because they don't have to follow YOUR routine?

My kids spend all day at school/creche with other kids
are you feeling guilty about this in any way? It sounds like you are.

So playing in the garden of a kind neighbour means your children will become "feral"? 😅 Another hilarious post.

Inflexibility is not a great approach to raising children. It's good to say yes when the children will benefit, which they clearly will by interacting with their peers and developing friendships with the kids in the neighbourhood. And just because you grew up in a rural area without other children nearby, your DC are having a different sort of childhood. Let them enjoy the positives of being part of a warm and welcoming community.

It's not even that the OP has very strict expectations and rules about her own children, why not, it's that she is fuming that other parents have different rules and not everyone agrees to follow her exact routine 😂

But your experience of a rigid routine has made it difficult for you to allow your kids to have normal childhood experiences, so perhaps it's not so perfect? It's good to develop a little flexibility. Things like a flat "no playdates" rule are absolutely going to stifle your dc's social experiences.

It sounds like there's something to unpick about whether the real reason you don't want your dc going to play is that they enjoy it and that maybe makes you feel inadequate? It's really beneficial to offer dc creative opportunities, and this could be a really lovely way to do it if the idea of the mess is making you anxious.

Oh yes! The same day I apparently didn’t know what was in the parcel I was posting- it definitely wasn’t a t-shirt apparently, I mean I’m just the person who packed it what do I know 😂