I have been with my male partner for 10 years. He’s 11 years older than me at 65. We started living together a couple of years ago and he retired last year. His dad had dementia starting in his 60s. These may be relevant facts - I don’t know.
We split up a few years ago for a while and got back together but I always felt like he had an anger towards me even when we got back together. Things aren’t terrible most of the time but my partner is generally grumpy and hyper sensitive to criticism. He’s got a personality of someone with adult adhd (am I looking for excuses - probably). I’ve therefore been careful not to criticise but yesterday he was painting the shed without a tarpaulin over the brand new porcelain garden tiles. Anyone else would probably scream - “cover the tiles up” but I knew he’d get angry if I said that so I simply went out and said “don’t forget the tarpaulin is round the side”. Well he flipped. In the garden. Threatened to ram the paint brush up my arse if I was going to criticise him. I wasn’t meek and mild in my response but that is the first time he’s ever threatened violence. He gets angry and annoyed and never apologises - I’m just too sensitive etc etc. Even when I said I want an apology he will say you’re always criticising me and you make me angry. But this was a line he crossed. Threatening me with violence and especially sexual violence is not grumpiness…
About 3 people over the years have actually said to me about how he speaks to me like a child at times and one mutual friend had a word with him about how it makes him feel uncomfortable. He was trying to criticise some words I was using - I was speaking in an accent but I’m not stupid. I’m far more educated than he is and now I realise he could actually be insecure about that as I’ve also recently been promoted whereas he has retired. His employer was concerned about his memory before he left - could it be dementia starting? Because half an hour later he will offer me a cup of tea like nothing has happened….
So am I being unreasonable in saying unless he apologizes and gets some help for his anger then I want him to leave?
He said he will move out as he’s fed up of me.
The house is in my name only. He’s contributed to a lot of developments in the house but I’d get a valuation of the property and give him half the value minus the outstanding mortgage (but it might not be as much as he put in). We were supposed to get married and he’d go on the mortgage so I think this is fair. Obviously I’ll get legal advice but I didn’t want to get the garden done - he insisted on most of the work getting done. I’ll give him half but no more.
please be gentle. I have always been somewhat too empathetic of others problems and let them treat me less than I deserve. Yeah his dad might have been awful to him but I don’t deserve to be spoken to disrespectfully. I daren’t tell my adult son as I’d be scared he would thump him - in fact I’m too ashamed to tell anyone.
But I’m glad I’ve told him he’s crossed a line - the grumpiness and criticism of me is one thing but threats of violence are not acceptable ever. He knows my dad was violent to me growing up.
thank you for being a safe space for me to share this.