Is this grumpiness, early dementia or abuse?

[GrannyJJ]

I have been with my male partner for 10 years. He’s 11 years older than me at 65. We started living together a couple of years ago and he retired last year. His dad had dementia starting in his 60s. These may be relevant facts - I don’t know.
We split up a few years ago for a while and got back together but I always felt like he had an anger towards me even when we got back together. Things aren’t terrible most of the time but my partner is generally grumpy and hyper sensitive to criticism. He’s got a personality of someone with adult adhd (am I looking for excuses - probably). I’ve therefore been careful not to criticise but yesterday he was painting the shed without a tarpaulin over the brand new porcelain garden tiles. Anyone else would probably scream - “cover the tiles up” but I knew he’d get angry if I said that so I simply went out and said “don’t forget the tarpaulin is round the side”. Well he flipped. In the garden. Threatened to ram the paint brush up my arse if I was going to criticise him. I wasn’t meek and mild in my response but that is the first time he’s ever threatened violence. He gets angry and annoyed and never apologises - I’m just too sensitive etc etc. Even when I said I want an apology he will say you’re always criticising me and you make me angry. But this was a line he crossed. Threatening me with violence and especially sexual violence is not grumpiness…

About 3 people over the years have actually said to me about how he speaks to me like a child at times and one mutual friend had a word with him about how it makes him feel uncomfortable. He was trying to criticise some words I was using - I was speaking in an accent but I’m not stupid. I’m far more educated than he is and now I realise he could actually be insecure about that as I’ve also recently been promoted whereas he has retired. His employer was concerned about his memory before he left - could it be dementia starting? Because half an hour later he will offer me a cup of tea like nothing has happened….
So am I being unreasonable in saying unless he apologizes and gets some help for his anger then I want him to leave?
He said he will move out as he’s fed up of me.
The house is in my name only. He’s contributed to a lot of developments in the house but I’d get a valuation of the property and give him half the value minus the outstanding mortgage (but it might not be as much as he put in). We were supposed to get married and he’d go on the mortgage so I think this is fair. Obviously I’ll get legal advice but I didn’t want to get the garden done - he insisted on most of the work getting done. I’ll give him half but no more.

please be gentle. I have always been somewhat too empathetic of others problems and let them treat me less than I deserve. Yeah his dad might have been awful to him but I don’t deserve to be spoken to disrespectfully. I daren’t tell my adult son as I’d be scared he would thump him - in fact I’m too ashamed to tell anyone.
But I’m glad I’ve told him he’s crossed a line - the grumpiness and criticism of me is one thing but threats of violence are not acceptable ever. He knows my dad was violent to me growing up.

thank you for being a safe space for me to share this.

Before you give him any money, please calculate the fact he's been living in your property rent-free for X amount of time so he 'owes' you for that if you 'owe' him for home improvements. Which I don't think you do, by the way.

Kindly, please leave him. You don't have to live like this. X

OP, he doesn't do it because you 'allow' it.
He does it because he's an abusive shit.
He wouldn't threaten his mates because they could probably kick his arse / because he doesn't feel entitled to their subservience.

OP, I think that what you said about his daughter keeping her distance probably tells you all you need to know, ie. it's likely he's always been grumpy, and hard to please, but because when you first posted. you weren't feeling very sure of yourself, you were trying to find a reason for it. The fact that you split up previously, also tends to indicate that this relationship hasn't been a good one for quite some time. So bearing that in mind, I certainly wouldn't be considering standing by him, if he has got dementia, as people who suffer from this awful disease, can become extremely violent as things progress, and it seems he already has a tendency to be that way, so while it may sound hard, it doesn't sound like he deserves you putting your own life on hold for someone who has clearly treated you with disrespect for a big part of the time you've been together. As a matter of interest, do you know why his previous relationship broke down?

As far as the money side of things is concerned, I think the fact that you feel that it is morally right to give him his money back, is very commendable, but not necessarily the wisest move with regard to your own future, particularly as you say that he has enough money from the sale of his previous property to start over. I would definitely get some legal, and possibly even financial advice, before you give him anything, because as previous posters have said, it does sound like he's lived with you for all that time without necessarily paying his fair share, or doing his fair share around the home, so please don't rush to make financial settlement offers until you know where you stand legally and personally.

I would also fill your son in on the fact that you are planning to end the relationship. You don't necessarily have to mention what has happened this weekend, unless you want to, but at least let him know what's going on, so that he can support you, and be there for you should you feel you need protection when the time comes.

If you swither, ask yourself this - do you want to nurse this man through his final years? Say it is dementia. It would be hell. Look at what he’s like NOW. And if you get ill, how would he treat you? I don’t mean flu, and I hope you both stay well, but just because he’s older doesn’t mean he’ll go first. Looking after a very sick/dying person is, as many of us know and you might well too, stressful and tiring and dreadfully frustrating at times. Doesn’t sound like a person I’d want to be vulnerable around or depend upon. He has already displayed contempt for you. He’s already bullying you now. I don’t think you owe him £80k morally, you certainly don’t legally. it’s up to you but please don’t disadvantage yourself. He’d be your husband soon if it wasn’t for his shocking behaviour. He’s the one who’s abusing you and apparently it’s all justified to him. More than one person has said he speaks to you in an unacceptable manner.

Be careful how and when you break it to him though, he sounds like he might be the type to erupt in spite. Maybe not to the extent of hitting you but threats and maybe property damage.

could it be dementia starting? Because half an hour later he will offer me a cup of tea like nothing has happened…. @GrannyJJ

I can't say it's not dementia but I do recognise that pattern of abusing someone then acting as if nothing happened. It's a very common abuse tactic and it's not because they've "forgotten".

You can leave the relationship for any reason, I know you want to define what is happening but will that make it any better for you?

Pp can be grumpy without being abusive but your do sounds abusive.

It's a pattern of abuse over the last 10 years and it's escalating.

You deserve better, is this really how you imagined your retirement?

Has he paid rent? I would seek legal advice first and factor in rent owed.

You do NOT have to give him half the equity of the house just because you've lived with him a couple of years. Nor do you have to pay him back exactly the amount of money he contributed to the house. I appreciate that you want to pay him something and that's fine but do not clear yourself out to assuage your guilt. How much cash did he actually spend on improvements, what were they, how have they actually increased the value of the property? Forget the monthly payments he's made as they can be considered rent.

' I don’t want my relationship to fail. I want him to admit he needs help and to rebuild it but if he can’t or won’t then I will walk away. '

What makes you feel he wants AND can change?

How much would he have spent on renting a flat for the past ten years? More than £80k I can tell you.

I’m sorry I haven’t read all of the replies.

This is surely over. Why spend any time with a man who treats you like this. Not sure why you got back together with him before.

i personally would get legal and financial advice. You don’t have to do exactly what they advise if you think he should have more.

This situation is not going to improve. He is 65. It will only get worse. Counseling or therapy may help you at this point, but it is not going to change him. Please get him out of your life / house / financial entanglements and move on.

Why on Earth would you give him glad the value of your house? Please don't do this. Tell him to leave. He sounds vile.

Good God please don't marry him, ever, please ask him to leave. Just tell him how abusive and demeaning and miserable he is.

It's not just a recent dementure thing though is it. It's been going on for years, getting worse, he has always been grumpy. 3 other people have noticed, 1 picked him up on it, publicly!

He's owed very little money wise. Sort that bit out soon. You sound kind so offer him a proportion.

Do it sooner, rather than later. The sooner you do it the better. 'He'd been vile to her for years, rather than the cow dumped him whey dementia started showing and she didn't want to nurse him (what a bitch) , nasty rumours, people always do gossip.

I don’t see this as dementia, sounds like he’s always been like this.

I wouldn’t give what others think a second thought, couples split up all the time, if he’s speaking to you like that in front of people and in the back garden they are probably already wondering what you’re thinking in staying with him.

Definitely wouldn’t be giving him 50% equity either.

Him investing in your house, stuff you didn't ask for is a deliberate move on his part, so that you owe him.
It is what controlling manipulative men do.

A friend of a friend was seeing a man and he was very keen for them to marry.

She liked him but was in no rush whatsoever to move things along.

She went away on holiday with her sister for a week and he had offered to water the garden for her, which she accepted.

She returned to a part of her garden dug up and an decking installed as a gift for "them".

She was very very upset.
Thankfully she turned to family who came into the house after dropping her back from the airport.

He was given the choice of restoring the garden to how it formally looked or acknowledging it as a surprise gift.

Her family really stepped up.
Thankfully she realised they were not on the same page and she ended things.

Her sister remained highly suspicious of his intentions and 'nurse with a purse' was bandied about a lot.

He was devastated by the split.
Get good advice.

I don’t think my partner is devastated although I recognise that he used his money to control me. He got to choose what got done in the house. And said a lot of times about how he’d spent more than me. I earn 3 times what he does now that he’s retired and I searched my WhatsApp’s this morning for the word aggressive. I’ve been asking him for years to stop the aggressive criticism of me. I recently got 360 feedback off my staff and all of them said I was kind and a great manager. Other managers said I was doing a great job. And I was so surprised to hear that as he’d have me think I wasn’t a nice person with my “constant criticism of him”. Things like asking him to cover the floor as he paints messily or not to piss on the floor in front of this toilet.. yes that was also unacceptable to mention that. Someone said I shouldn’t ruin my future nursing someone like him and I promise I won’t. I’d already made my mind up never to put him on the mortgage. Let’s see if he leaves today like he said he would last night.

Let’s see if he leaves today like he said he would last night.

I wouldn’t wait and see, I’d make sure it happens!

Please God he's gone this evening. Otherwise call in the cavalry family wise.

My friends grandma 84 lovely lady a gentleman from the church latched onto her. Widowed also 18 months ago, it went from lunch out to his feet under the table most days

Grandma said I know he's nice and lonely but I'm done with picking up socks etc. Once a week is sufficient, lunch out, not in my kitchen.

He was devastated that she ended things.
He wasn't moved in but had been bring up their future plans regularly.

She had had a good marriage and wasn't interested in adjusting to the intense intimacy of living together with someone else.

This is all second hand of course, but the surprise and upset of the decking did the rounds.
Funnily enough her lovely neighbour had been given the impression it was a much planned surprise by him, and was very upset to learn she was upset and shocked upon her return.
No wonder her sister thought she was being played.

OP, I think you have absolutely been boiled frog emotionally abused by him, slowly, slowly, drip, drip, drip.

Undermining you.
Breaking you down.

Your conversation with colleagues etc., confirm you are not this aggressive ogre.

This is a narrative that he has created to shut you down.
This is the nature of abuse.

You aren't allowed to say a word.
He gets to mess and piss everywhere.

Please do not dismiss this as accidental.

He knows EXACTLY what he has been doing.
Don't fall for it that he is "misunderstood".

This is a man whom has been emotionally abusing you deliberately and is extremely controlling.

Abuse thrives upon secrecy.
Tell your son the truth.
Get him out.
Take careful advice.
Hand over, agree to nothing.
The house is yours.
Don't be played by thinking his forced spending on your house means you owe him anything.

He knew EXACTLY what he was doing.

Let’s see if he leaves today like he said he would last night

I think you're being way too passive. Get rid of him !

He’s saying he over reacted but that he was reacting to me. He’s thinking that’s an apology! I’ve told him he can go tomorrow as he’s on night shift tomorrow. I was hoping he’d realise and beg forgiveness but he’s an utter prick. I said if he doesn’t leave I’ll get my son down to make sure he goes. He said he’d call the police if he hit him and I said oh so it’s ok for you to threaten me with violence and that’s when he said it was an overreaction but that’s the extent of his admission. I asked if he felt ashamed of himself and he doesn’t as he’s justified his behaviour to himself. A sad old grumpy man. He’s too weak to show any vulnerability

He’s refusing to leave. I don’t want to involve my son as the police will get involved and my son has an interview this week. I’m not letting him wreck his life. He’s going to work on nights and I could double snib the door and leave a key in the door. But I’m wfh tomorrow and tbh I don’t need the stress or drama of someone hammering the door downstairs. How do I make him leave. He thinks he has a right to stay as he’s put money in the house.