Is this grumpiness, early dementia or abuse?

[GrannyJJ]

I have been with my male partner for 10 years. He’s 11 years older than me at 65. We started living together a couple of years ago and he retired last year. His dad had dementia starting in his 60s. These may be relevant facts - I don’t know.
We split up a few years ago for a while and got back together but I always felt like he had an anger towards me even when we got back together. Things aren’t terrible most of the time but my partner is generally grumpy and hyper sensitive to criticism. He’s got a personality of someone with adult adhd (am I looking for excuses - probably). I’ve therefore been careful not to criticise but yesterday he was painting the shed without a tarpaulin over the brand new porcelain garden tiles. Anyone else would probably scream - “cover the tiles up” but I knew he’d get angry if I said that so I simply went out and said “don’t forget the tarpaulin is round the side”. Well he flipped. In the garden. Threatened to ram the paint brush up my arse if I was going to criticise him. I wasn’t meek and mild in my response but that is the first time he’s ever threatened violence. He gets angry and annoyed and never apologises - I’m just too sensitive etc etc. Even when I said I want an apology he will say you’re always criticising me and you make me angry. But this was a line he crossed. Threatening me with violence and especially sexual violence is not grumpiness…

About 3 people over the years have actually said to me about how he speaks to me like a child at times and one mutual friend had a word with him about how it makes him feel uncomfortable. He was trying to criticise some words I was using - I was speaking in an accent but I’m not stupid. I’m far more educated than he is and now I realise he could actually be insecure about that as I’ve also recently been promoted whereas he has retired. His employer was concerned about his memory before he left - could it be dementia starting? Because half an hour later he will offer me a cup of tea like nothing has happened….
So am I being unreasonable in saying unless he apologizes and gets some help for his anger then I want him to leave?
He said he will move out as he’s fed up of me.
The house is in my name only. He’s contributed to a lot of developments in the house but I’d get a valuation of the property and give him half the value minus the outstanding mortgage (but it might not be as much as he put in). We were supposed to get married and he’d go on the mortgage so I think this is fair. Obviously I’ll get legal advice but I didn’t want to get the garden done - he insisted on most of the work getting done. I’ll give him half but no more.

please be gentle. I have always been somewhat too empathetic of others problems and let them treat me less than I deserve. Yeah his dad might have been awful to him but I don’t deserve to be spoken to disrespectfully. I daren’t tell my adult son as I’d be scared he would thump him - in fact I’m too ashamed to tell anyone.
But I’m glad I’ve told him he’s crossed a line - the grumpiness and criticism of me is one thing but threats of violence are not acceptable ever. He knows my dad was violent to me growing up.

thank you for being a safe space for me to share this.

You are being way too nice here..he sounds horrible and this is not a loving relationship so what’s the point?..You could remind him of the time he told you he was fed up and wanted to leave and then tell him that’s just the way you feel now so now is the time. Give him a deadline and if it eases your conscience you can send him some money when he’s gone.

Whether it's the onset of dementia or an abusive personality in some respects is not relevant. How you are treated and how he makes you feel is. Please consider your own happiness. It is not your job to diagnose him
ot try and control/appease his behaviour. Sending a hug

If this latent anger has been simmering away for a while this won't be the last time he'll have a nasty temper tantrum.

I'd be telling him that the relationship isn't working for you any longer and it's time for the parting of the ways.

Op I think he needs to leave. That said, with the dementia/alzheimers, the bastarding disease can start very early. It's worth finding out if you can, what age the signs began in this bloke's father.
See if he'll go for memory assessment (admittedly terribly scary to contemplate). If he won't, then I'm afraid a one way ticket is in order.

You need to separate. It doesn’t really matter why he’s being abusive, but you definitely need to be away from a man threatening violence.

I would say, even if it is dementia the last thing she should be doing is signing herself up as his carer when he’s being abusive and hasn’t paid towards the mortgage or bills or food for the last 10 years.

Okay, from this angle, putting aside that this is actually who he is AND that ADHD doesn't make you an abusive twat, if this is early onset dementia, is this what you want for your life?

Fuck that shit, you're not much older than me, and you've many, many years where you could be having a good and happy life.

Don't give money to him without good, sound financial advice, just get him out as soon as you can. You don't know if those threats of violence will escalate. You'll then be able to take great pride in the fact that you didn't continue to put up with this - you got out of an abusive relationship.

Well I completely agree but it would answer some questions. Are you a horrible man with dementia or simply a horrible man. And it's a disease that creeps up for a long time and slowly.

Let the trash take itself out

this is KO way for you to be treated in your own home, no way to live.

Hooe you get him out soon.

Not sure what the law is in Scotland so I would go and speak to a solicitor about a claim he may have on your house (if any) and what a reasonable payout would look like (if any).

You aren't happy. You posted here because deep down this behaviour isn't acceptable and worries you, completely understandable!
If/when this relationship ends you HAVE NOT failed!!!! If you stay in an unhappy relationship where you aren't respected and don't feel safe, then you have failed yourself because you deserve better.
Please speak to your closest family and friends, talk to them openly and honestly. They've told you how they feel about him, if it comes from several different people who aren't linked then you need to listen.

This.
you should use the extra money for therapy after what he had put you through over several years.

Why are you worried about paying him anything. It's your house and you are not married. He knew that when he moved in. Unless he has been paying you loads of rent to live there you don't owe him anything. And even if he has you don't owe it back to him. That's not how it works with land lords.

OMG worry this before I read the updates. He is a freeloading cock lodger. Get him kicked out. He can go and be nasty to some one else.

This bloke has history for being a grumpy abusive character. Don't waste your time and put yourself at risk by wondering if it's dementia and if you should support him. It's not, it's the same him he's been all along, just worse. You don't have to give him the benefit of the doubt. You already know.

And as @Burntlemon says, don't offer him anything. Whatever you mention he'll then want more. Leave it till he asks, and when he does, tell him it'll need to be negotiated through a solicitor. If he's just dealing with you he'll try to browbeat you into a bad deal.

I don’t know.
But I’m following from a similar situation a year ahead (with a younger DH).
My DH had personality changes (or exaggerations of the bad bits?) a year or 2 before he started forgetting words and asking the same questions 3 times in 5 minutes.
We’re waiting for scans now. No advice, but in my experience it doesn’t get better. DM me if you like, though I’m unlikely to be any help 😂.

I genuinely do know what you’re saying, but I don’t think I would give up a large part of the rest of my life as a carer based on that. I think to be doing that you need to have had a very strong and loving original base.

Absolutely agree

I've voted you're unreasonable...to stay with him. Who cares what the reason he's awful? You said you could see it simmering under the surface earlier in the relationship.

What was the outcome of you responding to his paintbrush comment? And why would you give him any £? As if he would do the same for you

Have visitors about to arrive, lots of posts that haven't read so apologise if I'm repeating other OPs.

But I need to log off soon & no time to scroll down through all the responses.

I'm of a similar age to you - I'm nearly 62, my DH is 9 years older,

The difference is that DH & me have been married since 1988.

I have noticed that my DH has problems with his balance - been getting <what he terms it as> 'wibbly wobbly' especially first thing in the morning or on hills & steep slopes.

When we went to Polperro to visit family who live there recently (if anyone knows Polperro in Cornwall, it's all very steep sloping streets!) DH was on his arse more than his feet. He got very cross with me trying to help him & told me to go on ahead to the hotel that we'd booked & he'd follow me. So I left him to get on with it. He arrived at our hotel with a huge bruise on his forehead & it seems someone had taken pity on him & given him a lift into town. I felt like shit leaving him, but he was insistent that I go on ahead & I had no choice other than to make a big scene.

This and some problems with his memory instigated an honest discussion between us. I'm a qualified counsellor & will not shy away from something that needs to be discussed.

We saw his GP.

Then an appointment with a nurse who took blood tests, did lying & then sitting blood pressure tests. Also did the usual tests for dementia - gave him an address to remember then asked the date, time etc & 'who is the Prime Minister?' questions. He came out as borderline because although he knew date & time, he couldn't remember some of the address & had no idea of who the Prime Minister was. But, frankly, I said that I don't blame him for not remembering the unmemorable Kier Starmer😂

But, as he didn't remember the address that he was given & some other things he's been referred to a Consultant at local hospital for more tests & (hopefully)
a diagnosis.

The reason I'm telling you this is I feel it's better to know the what you're dealing with than not.

If your DP has suddenly changed in attitude towards you & become abusive, then, given his age, he needs to see his GP.

He has paid towards bills and has invested a lot into renovations. But I intend to give him his fair share.

I like that point of looking at things.. thank you

That statement alone is clear cut abuse.

I’m sorry you’re going through this.. the reality is he has maybe gotten worse but I think it’s character. He does it because I allow it - he wouldn’t threaten a friend as they’d tell him to do one. It’s bad enough he said it but to double down and say it’s because I made him angry. His anger is always my fault in his eyes and I usually write it off.
this is a huge wake up call for me. I try to understand people too much but this is his first and last threat of violence. There will be no more.

He may have put 80k in but what about the rent he saved all those years? If he didn’t pay you the equivalent of rent and a 50 percent share of all the house running costs then at the least deduct those from the money you feel you owe him.