Is this grumpiness, early dementia or abuse?

[GrannyJJ]

I have been with my male partner for 10 years. He’s 11 years older than me at 65. We started living together a couple of years ago and he retired last year. His dad had dementia starting in his 60s. These may be relevant facts - I don’t know.
We split up a few years ago for a while and got back together but I always felt like he had an anger towards me even when we got back together. Things aren’t terrible most of the time but my partner is generally grumpy and hyper sensitive to criticism. He’s got a personality of someone with adult adhd (am I looking for excuses - probably). I’ve therefore been careful not to criticise but yesterday he was painting the shed without a tarpaulin over the brand new porcelain garden tiles. Anyone else would probably scream - “cover the tiles up” but I knew he’d get angry if I said that so I simply went out and said “don’t forget the tarpaulin is round the side”. Well he flipped. In the garden. Threatened to ram the paint brush up my arse if I was going to criticise him. I wasn’t meek and mild in my response but that is the first time he’s ever threatened violence. He gets angry and annoyed and never apologises - I’m just too sensitive etc etc. Even when I said I want an apology he will say you’re always criticising me and you make me angry. But this was a line he crossed. Threatening me with violence and especially sexual violence is not grumpiness…

About 3 people over the years have actually said to me about how he speaks to me like a child at times and one mutual friend had a word with him about how it makes him feel uncomfortable. He was trying to criticise some words I was using - I was speaking in an accent but I’m not stupid. I’m far more educated than he is and now I realise he could actually be insecure about that as I’ve also recently been promoted whereas he has retired. His employer was concerned about his memory before he left - could it be dementia starting? Because half an hour later he will offer me a cup of tea like nothing has happened….
So am I being unreasonable in saying unless he apologizes and gets some help for his anger then I want him to leave?
He said he will move out as he’s fed up of me.
The house is in my name only. He’s contributed to a lot of developments in the house but I’d get a valuation of the property and give him half the value minus the outstanding mortgage (but it might not be as much as he put in). We were supposed to get married and he’d go on the mortgage so I think this is fair. Obviously I’ll get legal advice but I didn’t want to get the garden done - he insisted on most of the work getting done. I’ll give him half but no more.

please be gentle. I have always been somewhat too empathetic of others problems and let them treat me less than I deserve. Yeah his dad might have been awful to him but I don’t deserve to be spoken to disrespectfully. I daren’t tell my adult son as I’d be scared he would thump him - in fact I’m too ashamed to tell anyone.
But I’m glad I’ve told him he’s crossed a line - the grumpiness and criticism of me is one thing but threats of violence are not acceptable ever. He knows my dad was violent to me growing up.

thank you for being a safe space for me to share this.

i know and if when I said that, he got even more abusive. His daughter works for a domestic abuse charity. I had to go out before she came as I wasn’t sure I’d be able to not ask her her opinion.. but I couldn’t do it as I’d hurt her. Even she keeps her distance from him tbh.

I am no dementia expert, but I left an abusive horror show after nearly 30years and 2 children.

The abuse , mainly psychological, but increasingly pushing and shoving and shouting, crept up so slowly that I was able to play it down and minimize it for years.

I would say that what you are describing is escalation. And when he knows you are planning to leave, especially as he does not own the property, you are opening an unknown door .

you may not be as safe as you think. Violent words now, violent deeds next? Think about what you are doing and your safety is paramount. This man is not your friend ❤️

OP I have just read this thread and wanted to say how much I admire the way you have drawn a line in the sand over threats of violence.

Only one man has ever raised his hand to me and that was my dad. I forgave him towards the end of his life but I had no choice as a child to tolerate it. I will not tolerate even a threat now. Especially when he’s blaming me for criticising him and making him angry.

I went out to the shops and came back and he’s in the front room. I texted him to ask if he wanted anything out of the bedroom before I went to bed and he just replied no. I am not walking on eggshells in my own home. I work from home and so tomorrow I’m calling my GP so that it’s logged somewhere official. I don’t want pills or time off work but perhaps they can signpost me for counselling. I simply want it logged somewhere.
Im angry and then sad. Why can’t he even say he’s sorry - he’d rather end it than apologise (although that wont change things for me now).
Ive survived far worse. I may need to give him money but he will need to wait for it. He will be straight back on tinder just like last time. Fortunately I don’t think he will stay in this area as he’s not made any friends here. I hope he fucks off far far away.

Tell him to leave. Do it now. If you wait too long you'll end up spending the rest of of life as a carer to an abusive arsehole who you feel to guilty to leave

Dh has ADHD. He is defensive and he takes criticism badly. He has never once spoken to me the way this man speaks to you.

Im glad you got away. I’m lucky I have a good support network where I live. Even though they don’t know any of this. I’m good at seeing sparkles in shit and making the best of rubbish situations.

Please make sure you're safe tonight OP. Can you jam your bedroom door shut from inside?

I'd get rid of him sooner rather than later, and I certainly wouldn't be giving him £80k to go away!!

OP, I work in dementia as a mental health nurse. This guy has been an asshole for three years. He doesn't have memory problems, he's just a piece of abusive shit.

Dementia a progressive decline of memory and functional ability. Even with things like FTD, which causes significant personality changes, you will see a functional and linguistic decline. After three years, you would know if he had dementia.

Don't waste these last good years on him. No-one is guaranteed good health. Don't assume that you can keep working, or you've got time in the future. End it quickly and make plans that suit you.

You’re right to try and extract yourself before you marry this man. He is abusive and the fact he only behaves this way with you tells you that he has far more control of himself than he would like you to know. Looking forwards be mindful abuse escalates over time so it will only get worse. He’s also not going to change unless he recognises he’s abusive, is very committed to addressing it and is willing to engage with specialist services to do perpetrator work. This isn’t a situation where couples counselling would work, as it’s not recommended that people in abusive relationships engage with couples counselling. You therefore either need to accept this is your life, tiptoeing around an unpredictable, abusive and angry man, or get him out. It sounds like you’ve made your mind up so now it’s time
to take action. I would highly recommend as a starting point you confide in someone, even if you don’t share the full details. Telling someone he’s been verbally abusive and you’re asking him to leave will hold you accountable to your plan but also offer additional emotional support, as well as helping to keep you safer at a time when domestic abuse risk increases substantially (when ending a relationship).

This is awful. It really must be quite bad if people are commenting about the way he talks to you. It takes a lot for people to do that. It sounds like you’re trying to make sense of the way he treats you- adhd, dementia. It’s normal to try and frame it and understand it but ultimately he’s out of order. I do hope you find the courage to leave.

I’m safe. He knows my son would go to jail for what he’d do to him if he knew what had been happening. I sense my partner is realising the impact of this as I normally try to discuss issues. And give him an out.. not this time.

I did tell a friend we’d had an argument and that he’s getting even more grumpy. She was asking if he’s stressed etc. The thing is some folk think he’s absolutely charming - life and soul of the party. But at best he’s just getting more and more angry/grumpy/unkind.

Because he’s paid for renovations that have increased the value of the house, there is a thing called unjust enrichment.. although he was buying things with an inheritance that I didn’t want or need. New external doors.. landscape gardening etc.
I would prefer to stay here and buy him out - he has paid money since he moved in but if he moves out and that stops, he’s proving that it was just rent and not a mortgage contribution..

anyway must try and get some sleep. Thanks again everyone. I keep thinking I’m over reacting as he did say he’s never done that before and gets “frustrated” with me.

Don't pay him ffs, that's idiotic.

You have no idea if you will be able to keep working as long as you anticipate. Do not remortgage because you do not know if you can service the loan for as long as you anticipate. You could end up having very little to leave your kids if you make this knob end such a generous present.

My DF has dementia and it manifested in the early stages as not being able to complete fairly simple processes - ie not being able to follow directions and exiting on a slip road, locating his keys from remembering where he put them, not being able to serve himself from platters on family style meals etc.
It didn't manifest as being a nasty bastard to specific people he wanted to keep in line

Life and soul of the party.

"Street angel, house devil". more like

When someone hears about an isolated incident which in their mind appears out of character they may give a crap response. It’s also typical for the victim to minimise the bad behaviour, because they still feel protective of the partner and the relationship, and can feel shame about their experiences. Had you said to that friend that yes he may have been stressed but it’s typical for him to speak to me very critically, to put me down, to make me feel bad about myself but only to do that when there is no one to witness it, do you think you’d have had a different response?

The money towards bills you shouldn’t return to him as it’s the cost of living.

The 80k he put into the house I’d return so that you could cut contact completely. I wouldn’t bother getting house valued or giving him a percentage of market increase. Sod that.

People will be pleased you’ve split, trust me.

I’m another who thinks you would be better off without this unpleasant man in your life. And no way would I be giving him any money! Morally he doesn’t deserve it - he should have treated you better.

I haven't had the chance to read all of the responses but I've read all of your messages, OP. I couldn't not reply.

Please get away from this man. Having been in a similar relationship (different circumstances though), he will suck the life and spirit out of you, and become more abusive.

I understand what you're saying about wanting to buy him out but I would avoid as much as you can, as I doubt he would do the same.

We women are so shaped to please men - what do they want, what do they need, considering their feelings etc. Well all I can say is f*ck that. He is not considering YOU. No amount of apologies or therapy can make up for this. I bet if you were abusive to him, he would be off, and not considering if you had a health condition.

Please do be careful too. Men like this ramp up the abuse when they suspect or know that you are leaving. Grey rock him as much as possible, where you don't tell him anything about your plans etc, so that he knows nothing. Document as much as you can too.

When time is right you could respond to his behavior with:

“Grumpy, you don’t seem happy. I’ve been noticing for a while that you don’t seem happy. (Long pause wait for his response … just wait because he needs to start talking … yes or no )”

If he’s unhappy, ask what HE needs to change.

if he says he’s happy, you need to say his behavior is damaging to your relationship.

only HE can make himself happy.