Stepmother wants to be involved on wedding morning

[Jane2806]

My daughter is getting married, it's low key affair. I booked the hairdressers for the wedding, made the booking for my daughter and myself as mother of the bride - there aren't any bridesmaids or sisters, so i figured it would be just the two of us.
The wedding is nigh and I've found out that the stepmother is upset that I didn't also book her in, but I didn't expect that she would be there the morning before the wedding, I thought she would just go with my ex husband.
They got together when my daughter was about 15 so it's not like she raised her or they ever lived together. I said it's fine if she gets ready with us, but I can't lie i do feel some kind of a way about it, i was expecting it to be intimate just me and my daughter. I've already told my mother she can't be there the morning before the wedding. Why does everyone expect to be involved? I thought it was mother, daughter and bridesmaids only. Or is that old fashioned now?

All of this is really the bride's decision.

I’d say this is between your daughter and her step-Mum unfortunately.
If your daughter wants her there, that’s for her to decide (and not for you to help guide that decision either).

My little girl is only 8 but I wouldn’t want her step-Mum there either for similar reasons, a bit “she’s my daughter” vibe but it wouldn’t be for me to choose.

Does your daughter want her step mother there or is she being guilted into it?

I find it weird when step parents think they have the right to impose themselves on special occasions. Even more so as she has had nothing to do with raising your dd.

There's nothing in here about what your daughter wants? It's her choice, not yours!

You haven't mentioned your daughter's wishes at all. Her wedding, her call.

I think you've forgotten it's your daughter's wedding and not yours

the stepmother is upset that I didn't also book her in,

Tough shit. If bride isnt wanting her involved in the morning, and i suspect she doesn't, then stepmother needs to check herself and turn up like any other guest.

My daughter never asked/ told me to book her in etc , it's only now she has mentioned it, maybe she thought i would automatically include the stepmother, but i feel like i was clear at the time i made the booking.
My daughter is one of those people who just goes along with what everyone wants, and doesn't worry about herself.
The stepmother also organised the hen and the dress shopping, although she did invite me. It's quite possible my daughter is being guilted by my ex husband, it wouldn't be the 1st time.

Edit I'm not asking if I'm being unreasonable about not wanting her there... if my daughter does im fine about it. I'm just asking if I'm the villain for not including her from the off

Does the bride want her step mum there? If bride wants step mum to join in then step mum can pay for herself. I think it would be really rude to invite yourself and expect someone else to pay for your hair.

As the mother of a daughter who has a step mother and a 'stepmother' to an adult woman myself, I'd say, what does your daughter want? And go with that.

It's not your day.

So if your daughter raised the exclusion with you, sounds like she does want her stepmum there. Why not be happy she has more people who love her in her life rather than possessive and exclusionary to someone your daughter is clearly fond of?

X posted.

My daughter's step mother has a bit of a habit of overstepping but it's driven by my ex.

I would speak with your daughter and find out what she honestly wants for herself.

It's a bit of an overstep for the SM to do those other things you mention so I'd find out from your daughter what she actually wants.

Where will the dad be? Because if he’s coming to your house to get the bride and drive here to the wedding, and the step mum comes with him, when will they arrive?

It’s the logistics of the whole thing to think about.

If her step mother has been involved to the extent of organising hen do and dress shopping then it sounds like she’s fulfilling the role a bridesmaid would traditionally. So then ruling her out is a bit drastic.

If your daughter is keen and assumed she would be, how about finding some middle ground. Hair separately as three sets of hair gets very time consuming. Join for make up and getting into dress. Travel separately to the venue. Or something along those lines.

How ridiculous of her to try to muscle in. Some folk just don't know their place.

None of this states what your daughter wants though.

Just ask her and do that.

Leave the arrangements as they are. It’s ok to want to spend the morning just you and your daughter without the step mother muscling in.

Why on earth is her step mother arranging anything like dress shopping? It's nothing to do with her!

Why are you assuming she wasn't asked to do so? Or merely offered and the bride gratefully accepted.

Should the question not be, why did the mother not do so?

No, you’re not a villain for not including her from the off. It is weird how much she is trying to insert herself into your role, and I don’t think you’d be doing anything wrong to tell your dd that you find it intrusive and upsetting.

Why did yoy say it was fine if it wasn't?

Surely it depends what the bride wants with it being her wedding!

How do you know it's nothing to do with her unless you're the bride?

We really don't know if ahe is inserting herself. May be the bride and sm enjoy each other's company hence dress shopping together and sm organising hen so. Op says she thinks sm asked but it's just op's suspicion and it's not exactly neutral.
Op leave it to your daughter. You have to given us enough info to help. Just suspicion that is not backed up. Not saying you are lying just that it is your daughter and her partners day

May be the bride asked. May be since she was 15 when sm entered her life shopping together has been their thing. Who knows.