Stepmother wants to be involved on wedding morning

[Jane2806]

My daughter is getting married, it's low key affair. I booked the hairdressers for the wedding, made the booking for my daughter and myself as mother of the bride - there aren't any bridesmaids or sisters, so i figured it would be just the two of us.
The wedding is nigh and I've found out that the stepmother is upset that I didn't also book her in, but I didn't expect that she would be there the morning before the wedding, I thought she would just go with my ex husband.
They got together when my daughter was about 15 so it's not like she raised her or they ever lived together. I said it's fine if she gets ready with us, but I can't lie i do feel some kind of a way about it, i was expecting it to be intimate just me and my daughter. I've already told my mother she can't be there the morning before the wedding. Why does everyone expect to be involved? I thought it was mother, daughter and bridesmaids only. Or is that old fashioned now?

I have step-daughters who I've known since they were at infant school. We've had a lot of big life events but not weddings. Their views always guide me on what my role, if any, is. I always assume I won't be involved or there e.g. seeing her off to 6th form leavers ball, graduation. Does your daughter truly want her step-mum there to help her get ready? It should be her decision.

You’re being unreasonable for all the “I thought it would be me and my daughter” “I told my mother she couldn’t come” “I figured it would be just the two of us”.

It’s not up to you.

SM here. Firstly I agree the main consideration is what your DD wants.

That said when the time comes I would expect to take a back seat with DSD in pretty much all respects in terms of involvement over her mum (unless she specified otherwise).

There is no issue (good relationship) but I do think some aspects of the wedding are for the Parents (and not step parents) to shine.

For example I wouldn’t be expected to go dress shopping with her and her mum. Nor getting ready for the wedding or even sitting at the top table.

I would expect to be invited 😃 and to sit at a table near to the front with family (inc her half siblings I.e mine and DH’s joint children) but that’s about it (I would happily pass on a hen do as not my thing!).

So no, I don’t think you’re being U. It feels quite intrusive if I’m honest especially given the timing of meeting your DD but essentially the key here is knowing what your DD wants.

I think it would be absolutely wrong (and very self involved) to tell her daughter she’d find it upsetting, if the daughter wants her there.

It sounds like you're the one who wants it to be just you and your daughter for the morning, as you've also told your mother she can't be there. Did you ask your daughter what she wanted the morning plans to be, it sounds like you just arranged things without checking with her. Which is a bit strange as she is the bride.

Probably because it’s not Ops day and doesn’t really get a say in who is invited where

If SM organised the hen and dress shopping it’s clear they do have a good strong relationship. Which indicates to me that your daughter would want her there but doesn’t want to hurt you by directly saying that to you.

you will likely say that SM did the other organising and daughter just went along with it so as not to rock the boat, but either you or your DD could have arranged a mother/daughter lone trip to a couple of dress shops , neither of you did that. I think you need to stop looking to blame SM and accept that she is clearly an important person to your DD. Arrange something for just you and DD in the days leading up, a manicure/pedicure or something and make it clear you want to do it with just her.

This surprised me also. She’s certainly muscling in.

You said your daughter goes along with plans to keep people happy but you did the exact same made a plan when really it was up to your daughter but the fact your daughter did say about wanting her stepum to come is not your choice to say no tbh

So you should definitely ask your mother now - it'd be miserable for her to be missed out if the stepmother's coming. It seems like you're the only one who thought it should be a 1 to 1 thing, so ditch that and make it fun.

You sound like a very nice woman. 💐

Is your relationship with your daughter's step-mother OK?

I think it would be nice for just you and your daughter to attend the hairdresser appointment as it does sound like a mother/daughter bonding moment on her wedding day, but if your daughter really wants her step-mother to be included you may need to follow her wishes.

Isn’t it your daughters choice ?

Did you go dresss shopping too?

Op, your DD’s stepmum is overstepping the mark but unless this is your daughter leaving the family home for the very first time to get married and set up home with her husband, surely the wedding is just a formality and the boat sailed a long time ago on a cosy morning together at the hairdressers for eg?

It sounds like the bride, your daughter, is stuck in the middle between two strong personalities. You're both muscling in and she's getting lost in the middle. It doesn't surprise me that she "just goes along with what everyone else wants" because what else can she do? If she dares to express an opinion, someone will get upset and make a big fuss over it until she backs down.

You've told your mum you don't want stepmum there? It's not your bloody wedding love!

Take a step back and let your daughter be in control. Encourage her to find her voice, even if that voice means you get upset and don't get your own way.

I wouldn’t want her there either. It feels like a competition. Is she at the top table too? Saying that my dd wants her dad and step dad (my dh) to walk her down aisle but he has raised her since she was 4. (more than her dad has)

This. Is it possible SM did the hen and dress shopping because your DD likes spending time with her? You’ve decided where and when you will both have your hair done on her wedding day, knowing full well she’s a people pleaser who won’t say no- your own words. Maybe it’s not the SM who is trying to take over.

Why not?

I read that and assumed that the ex husband and step mum are paying for most of the wedding costs inc. buying the wedding dress. If so, she’d need to be there to approve the budget and pay the bill.

My mother, my husband's half sister who was my bridesmaid and my husband's stepmother all went to the hairdresser on my wedding day though of course the stepmother was the mother of the bridesmaid. Actually I looked at bridal magazines with my husband's stepmother, not my own mother who flew in for the wedding. If I'd have been lucky enough to have a grandmother she'd have been there. Heaven knows where my actual mother in law was - she didn't seem to go in much for hairdressing. Then the bridesmaid and another friend of mine who was doing the reading went off for lunch with me before getting ready at the hotel where the reception was going to be. It was an afternoon wedding. The dress was silk so I couldn't sit down for fear of crushing it too much. It was a fun time and I look back on it fondly. I remember my dad turning up to hotel to accompany me in the car to the church. My father in law to be rang me up to make sure I was going through with the wedding!

@Jane2806 shocked that step mum organised dress shopping!!! who does she think she is??? that is the job of mum and daughter. she only met daughter at 15 so she is really overstepping the mark here, she has not been in her life for that long. think daughter needs to tell her to back off,

what did you read that led you to that conclusion?

I fully expect that DH and I will make a significant contribution to DSD’s wedding when the time comes.

I don’t think that gives me “rights” to insert myself into quite emotional elements of the preparation, ceremony or planning nor to act as a gatekeeper to any money we choose to contribute.

Giving money with such “strings” isn’t a gift, it’s blackmail - either gift money or don’t. It’s really that simple.

From reading your updates I would say yabu. The step mother was involved enough in organizing the hen party and she asked you. Tbh the only one who has a say on this is your daughter and id have asked her before booking it. Sounds like she wanted her included and she surprised you hadn't booked her in too so I'm going with yabu here but if your daughter doesn't want her there yanbu. On the fence

It’s really challenging managing everyone’s expectations and sensitivities as a bride with divorced parents.

Don’t let managing her parents overshadow the day - it’s about her, not you. Your divorce and feelings about your ex and their new partner don’t need to feature in her own wedding.