Stepmother wants to be involved on wedding morning

[Jane2806]

My daughter is getting married, it's low key affair. I booked the hairdressers for the wedding, made the booking for my daughter and myself as mother of the bride - there aren't any bridesmaids or sisters, so i figured it would be just the two of us.
The wedding is nigh and I've found out that the stepmother is upset that I didn't also book her in, but I didn't expect that she would be there the morning before the wedding, I thought she would just go with my ex husband.
They got together when my daughter was about 15 so it's not like she raised her or they ever lived together. I said it's fine if she gets ready with us, but I can't lie i do feel some kind of a way about it, i was expecting it to be intimate just me and my daughter. I've already told my mother she can't be there the morning before the wedding. Why does everyone expect to be involved? I thought it was mother, daughter and bridesmaids only. Or is that old fashioned now?

My step daughter is getting married soon. I absolutely love her to bits. I’ve been in her life since she was little. I definitely would not expect to be included in the getting ready on the wedding morning.

I think you should have a quiet word with stepmom and say that you would like to have that special moment between you and your daughter. If she is a decent person she will understand.

What is dd's relationship with 'step mum' like. Are they close, do they spend time together usually. How did she end up organising the hen do and doing the dress shopping?

Then tell her no.

Step mum needs to stay in her own lane and I say that as a step mother myself.

Shes not raised her and isn’t particularly close.

Is the Dad paying for some of the wedding?
Does Step mother have children of her own.

The dress shopping is bang out of order!

Personally I'd have lost my shit when she started to arrange dress shopping! Seems like both you and dd need to find your voices and tell the woman she's overstepping!

Talk to your daughter and find out what she genuinely wants - if that's step mums involvement then you have to roll with it, but if she's being pushed into including step mum, then as your daughter's actual mum, you need to advocate for her and tell step mum to back off.

"The stepmother also organised the hen and the dress shopping"

That's very unusual.

A very unpopular opinion im sure but I don't get all the fuss about wedding dress shopping having to be just mum and daughter having a special moment, same with make up and hair.

All the ones ive known its like a tribe have gone out for a dress. Its flipping hard work because everyone from mum to aunty to cousin has an opinion!!

Yep. We have no idea of the dynamics but my first thought was why are the Mum or the Stepmum organising anything (getting ready, dress shopping, hen do) without discussing it with the bride? Or did the bride want her SM to do those things and for her Mum to organise the wedding morning? If she’s someone who is shy to speak up is it possible she wants everyone to butt out but is scared to say so?

I think you’re being even more unreasonable in telling your own mother she’s not welcome

Either daughter and stepmum are close, hence stepmom’s involvement in dress shopping and hen do, or stepmum has no respect for other people’s boundaries and is good at inserting herself into a more important role. I can totally see my dc’s stepmum doing something like this, but how you proceed @Jane2806 depends on if it’s the first scenario or the second.

first post nails it

My daughter is one of those people who just goes along with what everyone wants, and doesn't worry about herself.

That's really rather worrying. Why do you think she doesn't have the confidence to stand up for herself? What's her future husband like, calm or headstrong?

Concerned that stepmum is bullying her way into being more involved in the wedding and your daughter is just letting her. What the hell will she be like if your daughter has a baby?

Your daughter really needs to be more assertive, can you help her with this?

The one thing your daughter won't want before or at her wedding is trouble! It's her wedding, she has sat down with her husband to be and planned what they want. She allowed her step mother to plan the girls night out and she wanted her in on the shopping. She more than likely assumed that her step mother would be in on the hair appointments. It's obvious that she has a good relationship with this lady. Weddings involving exes are always uncomfortable for the people involved. You are in truth a bit jealous youve said you want to share an intimate time with your girl. You could gently explain this to your daughter that you'd like a quiet time just with her as she embarks on her new life and to meet her on her own before the wedding perhaps for dinner. What you must not do is blow this morning of the wedding thing up and cause a row which will.make a nasty atmosphere. It's your daughter and her grooms day ,not yours and if people misbehave it will go down in history. Be warned!!

Hmmmm……..if I had already excluded my own mum then I certainly wouldn’t be including my ex’s new wife. FWIW I think she is a CF for expecting to.

If your daughter doesn't want to rock the boat then you'll have to do it. Message the stepmum and say you both wanted a mother/daughter time getting ready but felt blindsided when she asked to join and said yes without thinking.

It seems a little odd that your DD isn't driving any of these decisions? Did she expect you to book hair, or for her SM to arrange the hen? Sounds like you need to have more communication here

Is your ex paying for any of the wedding by any chance? If so, his wife may feel they have bought the right for her to be very involved and your DD may feel she can't object.

It doesnt say the the step mum organised the dress shopping but she did take the hen do in hand. We don't know whether she was asked to do this, volunteered her services or what. It's the marrying couples job to organise their wedding and dole out any jobs to do. Is the daughter complaining that step mum is overstepping the brief, interfering etc.? No. If she has complained to her mother that this is going on..then a quiet word might be in order but she hasn't and the mum should hold her breath and keep the peace.

Op posted. 'The stepmother also organised the hen and the dress shopping, although she did invite me.

Absolutely not.
She never lived with her.
The cheek of her.
I would knock that completely on the head.

How dare she organise the buying of the dress.
How unbelievable.
You are clearly very passive too.

Is your daughter worried about funds being withdrawn if her DF is paying for the wedding?

Getting married is a big step and your daughter needs to be more assertive, it will stand her in good stead during her marriage.

It was the Granny the bride didn’t want, not the SM.

Oh was it? I must've read it wrong.

.