Stepmother wants to be involved on wedding morning

[Jane2806]

My daughter is getting married, it's low key affair. I booked the hairdressers for the wedding, made the booking for my daughter and myself as mother of the bride - there aren't any bridesmaids or sisters, so i figured it would be just the two of us.
The wedding is nigh and I've found out that the stepmother is upset that I didn't also book her in, but I didn't expect that she would be there the morning before the wedding, I thought she would just go with my ex husband.
They got together when my daughter was about 15 so it's not like she raised her or they ever lived together. I said it's fine if she gets ready with us, but I can't lie i do feel some kind of a way about it, i was expecting it to be intimate just me and my daughter. I've already told my mother she can't be there the morning before the wedding. Why does everyone expect to be involved? I thought it was mother, daughter and bridesmaids only. Or is that old fashioned now?

Perfect response...better written than my attempt.

Seeing as your DD still has her biological mother in her life - SM is being very very hands-on. Bride’s decision but I think it needs to be said that she seems to have too much involvement.

I think YABU for telling your own mother she couldn’t be there. That’s her granddaughter and it would have been a lovely morning have the three generations of women together for such a special occasion yet you wanted to keep it all for yourself.

My daughter doesn't want her there either, they are not particularly close

You were NU not to include her as the getting ready part is usually Mum, daughters, sisters and bridesmaids.

If they have a good enough relationship, she'd have made it clear she wanted Step mothers there.

Stand up fpr your daughter as hopefully, those will be the only memories from getting married.

If you're not as free with DD in front of SM, then maybe say out front.

Is she the type who'll want to be in the birthing suite with DD if it arises?
Or be called grandma etc, nip it in the bud.

It's all well and good having your daughter be loved by more people, but not if they're controlling.

You’re saying that you made it clear at the time of the booking that it would be just the two of you, but surely your daughter said, “Mum, please could you book hair and makeup for me and you?” Or was it that you told her you were booking it and who it was for, and she agreed? I ask because you’ve said she’s the sort of person who just goes along with things, so did she tell you that was what she wanted for the morning of, or did you assume and she went along with it?

Either way, you’re not unreasonable not to have included the stepmother, and to wonder if her dad is pressuring her, but I do wonder if your daughter’s voice might be getting lost in all of this from both sides?

If your DD doesn't want her there, the answer is clear. Sorry - you'll have to make your own arrangements SM - DD and I want some special Mother and Daughter time on the morning of her wedding.

I'd have been pretty pissed off about her taking control of the wedding dress shopping and the hen, but I'd have been making appointments (after consultation with DD) as soon as appropriate.

This is a discussion that you should have had with your daughter prior to organising the morning.

I'm with you, especially after your update about the hen and wedding dress shopping. That's what's made my eyebrows hit my hairline.

Don’t have her there then .

Then she should find the courage to say she’d rather it was just you and her (and granny).

And I don’t blame you at all for wanting the morning with her as her mum.

Why did her stepmom organise the dress shopping?

So your daughter doesn't want her grandmother there. Does she want her step-mother there or is she just trying to keep the peace with her and her dad?

Do you mean SM here or your mother? It’s not clear.

I think you need to speak to your DD and ask what she wants. Not what she she thinks she is expected/pressured into doing.

Be clear that you’ll support her choices and if needed have difficult conversations she may not want to have. Equally that if she wants her SM there that’s ok also.

My reading of your posts is that SM is massively overstepping here but your DD doesn’t want to rock the boat with her father.

If that’s the case then you play bad cop if needed with your ex and his wife in making clear she’s not getting ready with you as it’s your prerogative as her mother and this is one experience you don’t want SM to hijack to give your DD an out.

I totally agree. My mum tried to get me to have my stepdad "give me away" at my wedding! My own dad's dead, and my mum and stepdad had been together less time than me and my husband !

My step mother entered my life when I was 5 and she played no “special” part in my wedding whatsoever and never expected to.

Personally I also would never think of my Dad’s wife that he met when I was 15 as my “step mother”. She’d be “Barbara, my Dad’s wife”.

Also how nice of your exes new wife to include you in your own daughters wedding dress shopping 🙄

The post is all about you and what you want. Have you asked or even consider what your DD wants?

Im not even going to my stepsons wedding (nothing sinister, I have a 4 month old baby and a 7 year old with asd and suspected adhd)

I'm a SM and I think her inserting herself like this is weird. Just turn up with your DH and have a nice time dearie.

YANBU.
Why did SM organise the other things - did your daughter want her to, or she's pushy?

Maybe your DD feels in the middle and both of you are not realising how overbearing you are being? I might be wrong but

Why is step mum arranging the dress shopping, the hen, why isn’t the bride telling you who she wants to be there on the morning. So many assumptions but… bride needs to find her voice and say what she wants!!

Did she even ask her step mum to organise dress shopping or the hen? I find that bizarre unless she was out right asked

Just say you were looking forward to some mother-daughter time just before she becomes a wife. It’s perfectly natural. She probably hasn’t thought about the significance. If that’s not possible, it will need to be a pile-in with grandma etc too.

When my SIL got married she didn't include her step mum - instead i got an earful from SM about how she wasnt included after 'all she'd done for the bride'. Bride was 24 when SM was first in her life.

Bride didn't want her there. Didn't want her own mum overshadowed. Glad she stuck to her guns as her mum passed away 3 months later.

Maybe step mother in overbearing, daughter doesn’t know how to say no and just goes with the flow to keep the peace. I’m guessing step mother has no daughters of her own.

First post nails it.