To ask how much energy and thought you put into maintaining eye contact and thinking about your facial expressions in conversations?

[summerrrx]

And if you are neurodiverse or neurotypical?

I have always been good at making eye contact, but there is definitely a constant stream of 'that's enough eye contact, now look down, ok look back up, now look over there, now look back, now fiddle with your nails so you can look at them instead, now look back up'. I don't know if everyone thinks like that?

I'm also quite an overly enthusiastic listener, and if I'm being spoken to I nod and smile away and make sure I look like I'm listening. I even do it during Teams meetings; I notice I'm very aware of my facial expressions and I struggle to multitask during meetings as it feels rude. I think I do it so that the person I'm talking with feels listened to; but I've now started to wonder if it's a form of masking?

Love this thread. Ongoing issue for me,discussed in therapy as this whole thinking process and distraction of am i making too much eye contact etc sometimes nakes me so awkward in conversations. I now have a bit of social anxiety.

I've recently been to the GP abd have been referred for an ADHD assessment at almost 40 years old. Son is on the path to being diagnosed too.

Thank you for this post, I have read every comment as it was really interesting!

None.

I recognise this eye contact monitoring anxiety from work place situations a bit. Not too bad though. I much more monitor my speech in how I come across at work because I’m really bad at saying things concisely. I feel I need to add detail to evidence what I’m saying and fear otherwise might not be accepted.

I think I can seem trustworthy and in command of my subject due to this, but it can come over too serious and earnest. It is annoying for those people who just want to hear agreement to back them up or want a decision with no explanation.

Socially I am far more self conscious of taking turns in talking. I am often quiet in a group of people talking and find I will chip in to react more than I will add the main content. If talking one on one with someone i don’t know that well, I am so paranoid about them feeling I am dominating the airtime. it’s hard to relax sometimes. My habit is also to try to show I empathise by saying I understand or I know what you mean. I can even interrupt or talk over them to show how much I emphasise. It’s anxiety. I try really hard to stop myself doing it. I am so worried about seeming me me me because of my self consciousness. Maybe neurodivergence I don’t know. I really worry about coming off as the boring self obsessed one.

I can never look at people's eyes in conversation without forcing myself to, and then I feel intensely self-conscious about whether it is right, or how lonk I should keep it up,

Usually I just look at people's mouths, but I often worry that this is wrong.

I think that for me it is as likely to be about social anxiety/depression/low self-esteem as about neurodiversity. And any preoccupation with labelling it as neurodiversity feels infuriating. Autism isn't just one spectrum. It is a cluster of intersections of several spectra. For each of these spectra (and as with any other spectra), there are going to be loads of outliers that are within the normal range or slightly outside it, just like people who are significantly short or tall.

By labelling behaviours we are usually just redescribing them, not gaining any insight in how to live with them. Regardless of whether it is described as neurodiversity, depression, low self-esteem, social anxiety, the advice and possible solutions would tend to be the same.

I sometimes think about it but that's probably because I have a wonky eye so I often think they probably don't know where I'm looking anyway

I’m exactly like you op.
No diagnosis, but I know I’m definitely ‘different’ to other people, and I do have DC with AUdHD so…

NT. None. Maybe a bit if I'm in a job interview or something.

I avoid eye contact completely NT although if I got diagnosed autistic I wouldn't be surprised

ND. I don't think about it too much in the act, but I am aware generally I am exaggerated in my eye contact, facial expressions and body language (masking). People sometimes seem a little uncomfortable talking to me face to face. Not their fault, I know they can't put their finger on it, but I seem off. I am great on the phone, however!

That said, side note, I worked as a nurse (as in degree-registered) for a while. All of the above was differently received when dealing with vulnerable patients in their worst hours. I had so much thanks and love. The other nurses struggled to bond with me though.

This is me but I am NT, or so I thought. I sometimes wake up in the night worrying about interactions I have had during the day. I just thought it was anxiety.

I don't worry so much about facial expressions but I do with eye contact, I maintain for a bit then feel its too much and look away but then feel I shouldn't look away so look back again. I did have a prolonged eye contact conversation with someone the other day and it felt so uncomfortable but he kept maintaining eye contact so I felt like I ought to as well.
If I'm standing up when talking to someone I worry about what to do with my hands/arms, and keep folding and unfolding and sticking my hands in my pockets and things like that.

I think there's a possibility I'm ND but not enough to make me seek diagnosis.

I find eye contact when I'm listening to someone is either ok, or can be very uncomfortable depending on the situation. If it is someone new, or in a group, or a professional meeting, then I'm like you and constantly thinking about having to maintain eye contact and whether what I'm doing is OK.
Making eye contact when I'm talking to someone however... that is a real struggle and uncomfortable! I have to tell myself again and again that I must do it!

ND, late diagnosed autistic.

I'm almost certainly ND. Autism in close relatives.

I'm constantly aware of what my face is doing. I have a poker face by default so I have to make a conscious effort to look sad or whatever the conversation requires. I feel those emotions but they don't always translate across..

I maintain eye contact. I never give it a thought.
I lip read too because I’m deaf.

I find it difficult when others don’t make (at least) some eye contact with me because I also read facial expressions.
It’s rude for them not too.

NT

i do make eye contact but i need to be careful of my facial expressions as i have resting murders face and i struggle to look engaged if i am bored for example

Struggle is a strong word 🤔 i just have to be conscious of my facial expressions

I am Nero divergent. I dont think about making eye contact it just happens.

NT and none whatsoever.

I do however find it glaringly obvious if people are ‘unnatural’ in their eye contact and conversational traits.

It depends who I am talking to. Family and friends, never give it a thought. Work meetings and meeting strangers in social settings - very aware of my body language and responding appropriately.

I think the ND/NT stuff has become meaningless on Mumsnet so I am not proferring a diagnosis of that.

I’m neurotypical. I don’t give much thought about eye contact and facial expressions. The only time I do, is when I notice the other person is acting ‘differently’ or something is slightly off, I’m not sure how to word it. Sometimes my brain picks up subtle things in the other person, maybe something that makes me uncomfortable or wary? That’s when I become more aware of things like eye contact etc.

I almost never think about it.

my job involves a lot of active listening so I am quite hot on this. I make my kids (both NT) use their manners with eye contact too and do not allow scowling.

I don’t think most people can tell the difference between eye contact and bridge of nose contact/forehead? That can be much easier to maintain NT AFAIK

ND and hearing impaired. I tend to look at mouths and have been told I don’t make enough eye contact with strangers. I am OK with people I know.

I can relate OP - and also to what others are saying. Feeling less weird and alone now - yay! Years ago someone told me I don't really make eye contact so after that I was always trying to make sure I made good eye contact in conversations. Then I heard or read that too much eye contact can also be unnerving for people so then I started to worry about what was the right amount. I was in a GP appointment once and saw his computer screen and it said I had "flat affect" (although this was never discussed with me).

Since then I was diagnosed with ADHD (I was an adult already but it was quite a while ago now, I think around 10 years.) Sometimes I think I might be autistic too but I may have been drawn in by social media stuff. I do relate to some of the criteria, but some not at all, and the ones I do could probably be accounted for by ADHD or anxiety, or growing up in a home without much positive mirroring or emotional interaction.

The more I worry about it, the more tense I feel and I think this probably shows on my face and makes me more off-putting to people 🙃I can't seem to get out of the spiral though.