Affair reveal - how to tell him?

[Accidentalotherwoman]

Just found out that I have been the OW via DP’s wife. She’s not blaming me but we are trying to think of how to tell him we know.

DP hates confrontations and would normally just walk out to avoid it.

How do we tell him?

Don't get involved. Lots of good advice on here for the wife. Block and move on.

I agree with this and in all honestly she most likely will stay with him, so why give yourself any drama. Just move on as he's not worth it.

l think the best advice you can give her is not to say a word until she’s seen a solicitor, got her ducks in a row and made sure he can’t empty any joint bank accounts.

A dramatic reveal will be tempting because she’s been betrayed and she’s hurting, as have you. Don’t be tempted to engage with it. Much better for her to bide her time and make sure she’s protected herself as much as possible before she lets him have both barrels.

From your side l would just end it with him and block him on all social media. So sorry this has happened to you both.

Whilst it might seem very entertaining and maybe therapeutic to watch him suffer the humiliation of realising he’s been busted you have to think long term for yourself. By all means give the DW all the information she requests but not before you change your locks (assuming he has keys to your place) and stay out of the big reveal……..it might turn nasty with you, the OW, in the firing line.
Do get an STI test done as someone suggested already, who knows where he’s been???
And walk away.

Is the wife imagining this will be like the video for the song ‘that boy is mine’ with Brandy and Monica’?

I would not be involved in a ‘big reveal’. You have no idea over his potential reaction. What if he becomes violent?

Just end it with him without the drama.

A big reveal isn’t going to end well for one of you women (most likely you).

He will be apologising to his wife, begging for her forgiveness, you will be blamed for absolutely everything and he’ll saying you mean nothing to him, that you were an easy shag etc and you’ll be just stood there being insulted.

How are you going to feel if whilst you’re there she chooses to forgive him?
You’ll have to just walk away with no regard to your own feelings.

I feel so sorry for the wife.
But you also have to protect your own feelings too and I’m not sure how you can do that if you are there whilst they’re arguing about it.

Is this a separated wife? Also you refer to him as partner so I take it you’ve been together a while. How can he still have a wife… barring the obvious. Can you explain better.

Schedule a coffee with him. Give wife all the details. Wife arrives 15mins after but see’s you both together and pretends she knows you as you used to [work together / go to the gym / hairdresser buddies] and wife asks husband how he knows her. But not getting angry, just let him squirm. So you can both see the lies he ties himself up in. Then you can ask him how he knows wife. Repeat.
If you keep it calm and like a coincidence he has no reason to leave. Because it’s just a perfectly innocent coffee - right!?

Don’t give him any more of your time. He doesn’t deserve your attention and you don’t owe the wife anything. She is angry with him at the moment and wants to use you as part of her revenge. She is also trying to ensure things between you and him are over so that he can’t go skipping off to you.

Leave them both to it. Neither of them will be any good for you.

I'm a bit confused by this whole set up, and therefore I don't feel able to offer advice yet. @Accidentalotherwoman would you mind telling us how long his affair with you has been going on, and how you met, and what excuse did he give to you about never inviting you back to his place? Also, how did his wife find out about you? As you appear to live in roughly the same area as his wife, your boyfriend presumably never took you to local pubs or restaurants, didn't any of that make you even the slightest bit suspicious?

You, OP, and I are obviously very different people, as apart from all the things I mentioned above, my OP on this same subject would be totally different to yours, eg. mine would have started something like this:

"Can anyone offer me some very kind and gentle advice please, on how to move on from here, as I am devastated to have been told an hour ago that my DP, who I love, and liked so much, is actually married to someone else!

As if that couldn't get any worse, it was his DW that told me! I don't know how she found me, especially here at my home address, but I think that I was so shocked and heartbroken about the whole thing that I really couldn't take in much else of what she said.

She has left me her phone number on the back of an envelope, and scribbled, can I text her tomorrow to arrange another meet up - somewhere neutral - once I have got over this initial shock? But I don't think I will ever get over it, I had even been thinking that he might be the one... she has also asked me not to say anything to her DH if he contacts me tonight. I am not due to see him for a couple of days, but he usually rings me to say goodnight, so I think I will have to pretend to be asleep when he rings, as there is no way I could speak to him without crying and giving the "game" away.

So if anyone has any friendly advice, I would be very grateful. Many thanks in advance Mumsnetters."

Of course OP, I do realise that we all handle things differently, but you don't seem very upset at all - sorry, maybe you are just better than me at the whole "stiff upper lip" British thing. I do hope that you are coping ok?

Edited to make a correction.

It's for his wife to deal with and you just walk away and end it if that's what you are doing. You don't live in a soap opera so you don't have to do a grand gesture or an intervention

Have her invite 'her new friend from the gym' over for dinner. Then you walk in with a bottle of wine. See how long it takes him to break.

There's absolutely no way I would want to get involved in anything like that. I've seen ppl recording affair reveals to then put on tiktok/Instagram. Is that the intention here?

You are not the wife’s equal in this, they may well bond and blame you. Walk away with dignity while you still have it

I would want nothing at all to do with that. I’d exit stage left immediately. In most cases I don’t think men have any intention of leaving their marriages so your going to have a front row seat to him dismissing you and focussing entirely in gaining his wife’s forgiveness. That’s not going to feel great.

Seems very clear to me- OP is calling him DP because up until now they’ve been in a relationship. Turns out he’s been married all along and she is the OW. Not sure what else she could explain better.

He’s such a scumbag. Don’t give him any more of your time and headspace.

Yeah deffo help the wife gain all the evidence and ducks in a row.

perhaps just the simple invite to meal
and be there with the wife

Why? So he can tell everyone about his crazy ex wife and gf?

Even if it might be tempting it will leave a bitter taste in your mouth. Tell the wife that you want to move on with your life and forget about him. Stay dignified and you will never have any regrets.

Sounds like fun.

Arrange a big family and friends party and both be there when he arrives.

Sounds shite. Sort of fake crap you see on social media.

Get a hobby

I was going to say be at theirs having a coffee with the wife and talking like besties when he gets home from work, but a party doing the same would be the nuclear option.

Steer clear. There’s nothing good that can come of it for you.

Good grief! Please don't say she plans to film his reaction for her social media too.

Steer clear. The camera may turn on you with the commentary about a scumbag OW.

BTW it's not a reveal - he already knows!