Husband says he is embarrassed by our adult kids

[TudorMary]

This is my first post and it’s long and has a few strands and don’t know where to start I keep rewriting.

I thought we were happy and husband was a good father. Kids no longer go on holiday with us etc and this upsets my husband.

Three kids. Elder 2 definitely took scenic route. Dropped out of uni, now happily working, 2 initially took science, failed 1st year exams, took year out now finishing 2nd year of Humanities degree at local university. Both live at home along with number 3 who last week came home to say she was convinced she had failed one of her papers, I think this is correct having done big of research which means she won’t get first choice and she now wants year off.

My husband has gone fucking ballistic and has gone from blaming me to blaming himself for not standing up to me. He has called all the kids losers but thankfully not to their faces but has said to daughter she will have to go to whatever uni will have her.

Now if you are with me! Husband close to brother and I actually like him and his wife but only when we meet them alone. When the kids were younger I used to have anxiety every time we saw them with kids. They had tons of them. It was chaotic. Litter on the floor. Debris everywhere. Rotting food the lot. Kids were sworn in front of, occasionally sworn at, if a risqué anecdote had to be told it was told no matter if the kids were around. and spoken at like they were 30. No concessions were ever made for their age.

First time we went out a four year old actually summoned a waiter to order another fizzy drink. Two year old given a knife to cut their birthday cake. I was on tenterhooks and no exaggeration sometimes took to my bed after seeing them.

Well every single one of their older children are either at medical school, are studying or graduated from an Oxbridge College.

My husband is now suggesting sister-in-law is parent of the year and he should have stood up to my prissy ways. A bone of contention is that they all still holiday together whereas our kids don’t want to know. He is embarrassed by our beautiful kids.

I am so sorry this is a novel. I am heartbroken thinking I must have done something wrong.

Yes, that's what I thought too.

Id ask him who the fuck he thinks he is criticising you all like that, and blaming you for everyone's apparent shortcomings.

The state of your SIL’s house isn’t really relevant.

Did/do your children actually want to go to university? Do they know what they want to do with their lives? You only need 40% to pass a university exam/paper in most subjects, it’s really not difficult to pass if you’re somewhat motivated (whilst it can be difficult to do very well!).

It might be that your children are fatigued from trying to live up to expectations that they don’t want to meet. Their energy might be better focused on entering the work force and trying to find what they are genuinely interested in.

My parents forced my older brother to university when he had little interest in going. He similarly failed first year. They didn’t let him home - he had to find a job and support himself. He went back to uni when he was 30 after working for a while.

The only people I know that failed university are people who were there for their parents rather than themselves.

Don't compare your children or your'e family to anyone else's...I know I often make that mistake ( my kids are still at home in school) but you really don't know what goes on in other families - and all families and kids are going to be different. Just because they don't want to go on holiday with you or are not in Oxbridge doesn't mean that you are bad parents or your kids are failures. maybe the opposite. Maybe the other family have been too pushy and only put emphasis on achievements - etc.... I know I would not have wanted to go on holiday with my parents once I was 18 ( we didn't go anywhere anyway so I didn't have the choice :) ..) Also university is not all it's cracked up to be - I also went but switched courses and ended up doing very well. Your kids sounds as if they are actually more confident in themselves and want to steer their own path....dont listen to your husband....enjoy your kids and forget about the rest....

Urgh a successful like doesnt mean a prestigious uni and career.

This

Your in-laws house sounds like lots of fun. I'd love a house full of cats and kittens, and sloppy outdoor Bonfire parties, and to not give a shit about the cleaning. As long as the 4 year old uses their manner when ordering drinks - good. Teaching a 2 year old to use a knife properly is brilliant.

You didn't tell us what your in-laws did right, only what you think they did wrong. Maybe you both should reflect on that, if you're going to insist on comparisons.

Your husband is being awful and I've no idea why either of you should expect your adult children to want to holiday with you.

I dont understand

Your husband is saying that you're a crap wife and mother and your SIL is superb....and you're going into a tizz?

Re Read what you've typed

Its pretty obvious that your husband is an absolute twat
and an utter numbskull. Why on earth are you giving this idiot even the tiniest amount of head room?

Hes a wanker

Your poor kids

I don’t agree that it’s all the luck of the draw, some of it is parenting. Did you raise your kids to expect and strive for Oxbridge. I have to be honest, I didn’t and am not. I went down that route myself and if it’s not for you, it’s a hard road.

As for the holidays, i would much rather have children who spread their wings and want to holiday with friends rather than those eternally tethered to the family unit and unable to form strong bonds elsewhere. What is this latest parenting obsession with their adult children still holidaying with them.

It’s great when holidays still work out but it shouldn’t be an expectation.

Both you and your husband need to understand that your children are not finished with their education / career development. There may be many more ups and down on the road to wherever they are headed but a few failures along the way don't define them nor prevent them from being successful in life.
Anyway, being successful in life isn't about treading a specific path which other people want for you. It's about finding your own way and being happy (or mostly so) in yourself and your own choices.
Comparing your children to someone else's in an unfavourable way is quite sad really. I'd suggest supporting them as much as possible to make their own choices and find out where they want to go. It sounds as though they've already made adjustments to their path and are finding their own way. I'd be quite proud of that as a parent actually.

sounds like confident children who know how a restaurant works and probably a bit of montessori method if they're getting involved in food cutting.

children cause knives with supervision? Lots of parents compare and worry or judge in private he definitely shouldn't putting that on the children or you.

he has agency and unless he's useless i assume had a hand in the choices made to raise your children.

I blame the lack of achievement of my kids on myself . I had to parent alone and probably my anxiety of them failing to thrive made me too critical? My son seems unjustly rewarded as if effort counted , he would be a superstar. My heart ached for him and at 28 he is still trying to find his way . My other son also took the long way around and between Covid and some bad job choices he is quite far behind his peers . Both struggle and seem to just be unlucky sometimes. I just wish their opportunities like uni had led to more successful outcomes for them. Maybe your DH feels the same .

And they definitely don't want to holiday with me or their father as they both have partners and spend it with them .

Your children will be fine.
In the grand scheme of life academic and even financial success are not the be all and end all.
Happiness depends on being content with your own decisions and on good health and relationships.
Encourage and support your children and let them go their own way, they will be decent adults.

I've admitted to being the slightly more buttoned up parent, but I absolutely encouraged my pre school aged kids to talk to waiters. My four year old learned to order her own food and to ask for "l'addition, s'il vous plait" on our French holiday (it was ridiculously cute, and the wait staff were lovely to her!)

So yes, I suspect you're being over-judgy with regards to your SIL.

Your daughter absolutely should not just go to “whatever uni will have her” just for the sake of it, especially when it comes with a price tag of tens of thousands of pounds.

University isn’t the golden ticket it used to be. Degrees are two a penny now. Everyone has one, and employers don’t really care unless it’s from a top-tier uni or leads directly to a profession like medicine, law, or engineering. What they care about is experience, drive, and skills, not whether you slogged through three years of PowerPoints and group projects for a 2:2 in Business Studies.

Your older kids have already burned through so much money on education that hasn’t led anywhere. Especially the one who already dropped out of one degree and is now doing a Humanities degree. Honestly, what is she going to do with that? She’ll be paying that off for the rest of her life. Student debt isn’t pretend money. It’s real debt that impacts your financial freedom for decades.

And here’s the kicker: your third child will pay exactly the same in tuition fees as someone studying law at Exeter, a Russell Group university, but come out with a vague business degree from somewhere like Nottingham Trent and no real career prospects. It’s the same financial burden for a completely different level of return.

University has become a giant money-making scheme, and too many people fall into the trap of thinking any degree is better than none. It’s not. Unless she’s walking out with a professional qualification and a clear career path, it’s a terrible investment.

Taking a year out to figure things out is not failure. It’s the smart choice. Don’t let panic or your husband’s comparison syndrome push her into something she’ll regret for decades.

We’re letting far too many young people sign up for a lifetime of debt without truly understanding what they’re getting into or what the real world looks like. At 18, most don’t grasp the long-term financial impact of student loans, or that the degree they’re taking on thousands of pounds of debt for might not actually lead to a viable career. They’re sold the idea that university is the only path to success, but in reality, many are walking straight into years of repayments for a qualification that holds little value in a saturated job market. It’s a broken system, and we need to stop treating university as the default.

I think focussing on your BIL/SIL's family is a distraction from the bigger issue. Your DH is saying things that are obnoxious, hurtful, and downright dumb about your beloved children. I just wouldn't entertain this kind of talk and I'd start spending less time with him if it continued. HE is the embarrassment - for failing in the most important job he has ever had, which is to give unconditional love and support to his children.

Re their careers/education, they sound fine - just the normal ups and downs of life. A disappointing A level grade is so, so common and they may well still get into their second or even first choice of uni, and there is always clearing. Or a foundation year - or maybe a job for a year and a rethink might well help.

If my DH started saying anything like that to me I would refuse to discuss it and just say the only thing I care about is whether they end up healthy and happy and I'll love them to bits whether they end up a doctor or a dustbin man.

It's very common for adult kids not to want to holiday with their parents btw.

This ^

Your DH is being unreasonable for blaming you and being disappointed that adults have taken their own choice in life and he’s so wrong for this. They all seem happy with their choices and as young people, they still have a long way to go.
However, it seems you feel hard done by. It’s like you feel your in-laws children shouldn’t have turned out ‘well’ because of their upbringing. You need to have a look at why you feel the need to constantly bring down your sister in law because all your posts riddled with criticism for her. Her children are happy too just as yours are, they are happy to keep going on holidays with their parents even as adults who have done well with their lives so as far as we know, they’ve not been harmed with how they’ve been brought up.

They gave a knife to a baby. They spoke inappropriately. There was actual shit in the house.

Read it again.

The only bit where I have any sympathy is the concern around the child who dropped out of university, because university is very expensive and they now have student debt with nothing to show for it. I still think he’s unreasonable to be ‘disappointed’ and to blame you, however.

I’m afraid I agree with PP and you sound very judgmental. I had a chaotic upbringing on account of there being so bloody many of us (I’m one of 4), although not to the extremes you describe around hygiene etc. Each one of us graduated from a top university, 2 have post-grad degrees, and we’re all doing very well now (as in happy, not just financially secure). There’s a variety of ways to ‘do’ parenting and neither your way nor your in-laws’ way is better than the other.

I can't get past the fact this is your husband and you have a life stuck with this absolute plonker.

He is a deeply insecure man, in desperate competition with his brother.

He lives a life where people are accessories.

That is really scary to me. I could not live a life with someone like this.

What else has this man done. What other misery has he brought over the years.

I would never envy what you describe with the relatives. A life I'd never ever want tbh. For me or my kids.

Your husband contributes 50% of your children's genetic parentage and upbringing. He can't 'blame' you for anything. They are his children as much as yours.

If he thought they should be doing cryptic crosswords then perhaps he should have initiated that (but I am 100% sure that this is not the thing that would have made the difference between your children and his brother's!)

Your children sound great. I wouldn't accept this nonsense - he sounds like a small and insecure man to be comparing himself so bitterly to others.

Why are the women in this family 100% responsible for childrearing and housekeeping?

Your DH is as much their parent as you are - why wasn't he doing cryptic crosswords with them?

Academic intelligence is not something taught. No matter what I did at school, I was never going to be Oxbridge material. But hey, I still have achieved as much as the Oxbridge graduates I work with so in the long run, what does it matter?

I don't get the precious kids can do no wrong attitude? No wonder they've all dropped out of whatever they've decided to do at the drop of a hat.

Of course that's disappointing, if they were ambitious and took different routes fine! But sat around like teenagers and if you OP are the one facilitating it against you DH wishes then I'm not surprised he's complaining?!

Team up with you DH and tell them to get their arses in gear. They've got to have a plan and work towards it. All have to move out within the year! If they say your raised them to be this way just say ah well were not perfect either!

P.s we still love you and want you to come on holiday with us!

P.s you've got to pay for yourselves though!

P.s this hurts us more that it hurts you *you and you DH clank your champagne glasses together

See, easy!

But they haven't all dropped out. Neither are they sitting around. All working or in education.