Husband says he is embarrassed by our adult kids

[TudorMary]

This is my first post and it’s long and has a few strands and don’t know where to start I keep rewriting.

I thought we were happy and husband was a good father. Kids no longer go on holiday with us etc and this upsets my husband.

Three kids. Elder 2 definitely took scenic route. Dropped out of uni, now happily working, 2 initially took science, failed 1st year exams, took year out now finishing 2nd year of Humanities degree at local university. Both live at home along with number 3 who last week came home to say she was convinced she had failed one of her papers, I think this is correct having done big of research which means she won’t get first choice and she now wants year off.

My husband has gone fucking ballistic and has gone from blaming me to blaming himself for not standing up to me. He has called all the kids losers but thankfully not to their faces but has said to daughter she will have to go to whatever uni will have her.

Now if you are with me! Husband close to brother and I actually like him and his wife but only when we meet them alone. When the kids were younger I used to have anxiety every time we saw them with kids. They had tons of them. It was chaotic. Litter on the floor. Debris everywhere. Rotting food the lot. Kids were sworn in front of, occasionally sworn at, if a risqué anecdote had to be told it was told no matter if the kids were around. and spoken at like they were 30. No concessions were ever made for their age.

First time we went out a four year old actually summoned a waiter to order another fizzy drink. Two year old given a knife to cut their birthday cake. I was on tenterhooks and no exaggeration sometimes took to my bed after seeing them.

Well every single one of their older children are either at medical school, are studying or graduated from an Oxbridge College.

My husband is now suggesting sister-in-law is parent of the year and he should have stood up to my prissy ways. A bone of contention is that they all still holiday together whereas our kids don’t want to know. He is embarrassed by our beautiful kids.

I am so sorry this is a novel. I am heartbroken thinking I must have done something wrong.

It sounds like there's more to this story than what was given by OP.

The outcome of the kids might be totally irrelevant to how tidy the homes are. The difference might be BIL's family spends the time to encourage the kids to focus on their potential. To teach their kids to push through tough times and have grit which is arguably one of the most important factor of success. If they still go on holidays together as adults, the parents done something right.

Sobering and true

Sorry but some of the replies in this thread are fucking wild.

If you are disappointed because your child decided they didn't like a uni course and swapped, you suck.

If you are disappointed because your child didn't go to uni and instead got a job, you suck.

If you're disappointed because your child struggles academically, you suck.

If you're disappointed in anything other than Oxbridge you suck.

And check your goddamn privilege. Millions of children are not lucky enough to have the genetics, home environment, or socio-economic status to get them through school and into university.

My only desire for my daughter when she grows up is that she's happy and healthy, doing whatever it is she wants to do. Be that working in retail, or being a brain surgeon. I'd only be disappointed if I raised her to be a bully, or unkind, but I'd be more disappointed in my own parenting than her.

I had extremely authoritarian parents who only cared about appearances and grades. I did very well lacademically, but funnily enough, I despise my dad, and I have a lot of anger towards my mum for never sticking up for me. Comparison, a highly critical dad, and obsession with being successful, have left me with a lot of hang ups as an adult. I've got low self-esteem and never feel good enough, and I'll always feel that my dad will only ever love me whilst I'm doing well in life. I can't ever go to him with problems, because he'd judge me. When I first went to uni, I absolutely couldn't cope despite being intelligent as I was an undiagnosed neurodivergent who got bullied and assaulted, and I became incredibly mentally ill due to cripplingly poor self esteem and fear of failure. It took me 4 years to do my degree, and I still badly. I then dropped out of a PGCE half way through, and did a second degree. I'm now successful in my job and doing well after lots of therapy. But my parents telling me they were disappointed in me whilst I was in crisis and self-harming will never stop hurting.

Your kids aren't losers. Stick up for them and love them unconditionally.

Also the stuff with your SIL is not relevant. Your husband is in the wrong for blaming you.

How dare your husband blame you ... dont take it from him if he is so embarrassed he knows what to do acting like a prick laying blame.
You could of spent thousands on all kinds of lessons clubs uni whatever and the kids will still do what they want to do .. your husband has a massive chip on his shoulder.

I think you are getting a hard time OP but this thread is making me question my husbands parenting and the impact it is having on our children

Your husband realises he could have done all of the things he's saying you didn't do. Or is he excused from parenting load as he provided the sperm and that wiped him out for the next two decades?

Thank you for this truly inspirational post, full of truth and reality.
Wishing you well

It's not your thing but were SIL's children clean, fed, all had their own beds, all went to school, and all got along?

A cat spraying a child isn't the end of the world. Learning to shrug these things off and move on with your life builds resilience. Cat shitting in the corner of a room - not your circus, not your monkeys (as long as nobody started playing with it or tasting it). Nappies left where they fell - no, this is not ok, but presumably they were picked up at some point or you'd have been up to your knees in them.

Coke for a child of four - I'm oldish and was allowed sweetened tea and coffee as a very young child. I remember finishing my coffee as I headed out to school around age 6. Many children of my generation drank sweetened and caffeniated tea and coffee. Knife to cut cake at age two - they give children real saws, hammers and nails in Scandinavian preschools. This isn't a biggie at all.

It seems you had quite a few hills you were prepared to die on in your home as you raised your children. It also seems from your posts that you spend too much time comparing your way and SIL's of doing things to that of the people in your circle, and comparing your standards to those of BIL and SIL. I can see why your H was impatient of the prissiness. A bathroom for guests only is very Hyacinth Bucket.

How much resilience did your DCs develop as they grew up? How much mess were they allowed to make in the name of creativity or just simply for fun?

All that being said, your H was presumably there when the kids were small and it's too late now to second guess the way the house was run, and it's not fair to blame you. He needs to be told to get a hold of himself and sort out what's really biting him.

I'm sorry but an unusable toilet and 'front room' all sounds a bit Hyacinth Bucket.

It really does. And my guess is that DH might be worn down by these kinds of rules and had finally found a trigger to rebel against it.

There's a happy medium between SIL's chaos, and petty rules about leaving the most convenient toilet for guests (why?)

I didn't have rules like that, but when I see how easy and open my nephew and niece are with their much more laid back parents, I do sometimes wish I'd not taken parenting quite so seriously.

Is that the bit though he wants or does he want the bit that supported education helped them make the right choices etc rather than focusing on chores and toilets.
even in this yiur focus is on the cleanliness aspect

It's only in hindsight that you realise that during those child rearing years a clean and tidy house is way less important than lively and intelligent interaction with the children.
It's odd to remember all those details of SILs home so many years later.
A lesson for those who are obsessed with children not eating xyz or failing to tidy their rooms. None of it matters in the great scheme of things. What matters is a loving family life filled with experiences and knowledge.

@TudorMary

Op are you able to share what their occupations are?
The parents that is

@kielifor good post, not necessarily op but it does feel like some people have dc and then spend their time terrified of the footprint they leave in thier house, the time they will take up and the money they will need

I have a 2 year old and one on the way so it’s a very long way off yet but I can honestly hand on heart say that I hope they do whatever makes them happy. My only hope for my children is that they grow into happy, kind and respectful adults who go for their goals whatever they may be and pay their way in society.

Does your husband measure your children's worth solely by whether they go to what he views as a prestige university and/or do a subject like medicine? If so, that's really sad. You only have to look at people like Jacob Rees-Mogg and Boris Johnston to see that having an Oxbridge degree doesn't prevent you from being a pretty worthless person.

For most people, their priority for their children is that they should be healthy and happy. Ask your husband why that isn't enough for him.

You both sound judgemental and a bit uptight so not sure why your kids should want to holiday with you. Judging them for taking “scenic route” honestly what is that? You both need to relax a bit. They are adults now and will find their way. The older two are working so leave them be.

I see what you describe often . Kids that have everything done for them and easy go on to take ages to grow up , so this would be your lot . The others who had no parents jumping through hops for them had to develop faster and are more autonomous .
Like it or now your kids seems a bit lost and your husband is frustrated , o don’t think that unusual or strange .
Try to guide them , do the ones studying near pay rent or help at home ? Will you be paying for the year out of the 3 rd child ? Ending up with 3 adult children at home is not great .

Yea to this, 100%.

Think it's the heat. Some weird posts tonight.

I would have thought keeping a clean house was an absolute basic. If SIL and her husband were working class they'd have been reported to social services long ago. Because they're intellectuals it's okay to bring their kids up in squalor, (seems to be the logic of some people on here and OPs husband.) Fuck no.

I don't understand why there is still such an expectation of kids going to University by some parents, and if they don't they are a disappointment. I didn't go to University and neither did my husband and we have very good jobs. Don't get me wrong there is nothing wrong with Uni if the job you want needs it but I think we have gone past the point of just going for the sake of it. Surely healthy and happy kids are what we should be aiming for.

Let’s put the cousins out of the equation.
I think we need to look at the social side of things.

In the 1970s and 80s, when I presume the OP and her generation in this family were school leavers, “nice” kids, “good” kids went to university free of charge. They got grants and studied whatever they wanted at a range of universities from the excellent to the feeble. In many cases there were graduates in the family for the first time ever and that made the parents proud.

Then the £9000pa price tag was slapped on. Yes, you can see it as “graduate tax” but £27,000+++ debt plus living expenses per child is a daunting prospect.

People started scrambling for the good courses at the best universities. Courses that would guarantee a good job. Humanities weren’t worth the investment. The only way 3 kids can all go to university is by living at home and limiting their course choices to the local area.

I expect OP and her husband are in the “nice and good” category and have raised their children to be the same. They haven’t considered university choices to be the first step into real life and the rat race to success. At the moment it looks like all three have fallen at the first hurdle, one got a job, one changed to Humanities and the third may have to accept lower than first choice.
DH’s yardstick of pride in his children is not being met.
OP the nurturing protective one is seeing her children fail once they’re out of the family/school environment. Of course she’s examining her choices. Her children aren’t succeeding as she did at their age.

EVERYBODY needs to suffer a crushing failure at one point in their life. The earlier the better. Mine was failing my driving theory test (“ME? Fail an exam? Whyyyyyy?).
The experience of failing hopefully makes you stronger. It instills the will to succeed, to consider the consequences of not preparing, to push yourself and maybe just a pinch of killer instinct. In other words, resilience and tenacity.

It doesn’t look like her 3 have reacted that way. Time to ask THEM why.

Working class? You seem to imply that working class people have s* homes

You can be working class and read the guardian.

Op you sound like Aunt Petunia from Harry Potter - scrubbing your skirtings and worrying about what other people think. Chill out.

Your dh needs to take full responsibility for how your dc were parented - museums, art galleries, books from the library are all free in this country. So even if all your money went on 5 toilets, intellectual pastimes were still available.

Ultimately not everyone is academic, I’m not sure when this turned into a failing of morals or character. I’m sure your adult dc have things they want to achieve in their lives and I’m sure they can be successful. Maybe relax and have a picnic in the living room or something and live your lives.

Just tell him to fuck off, OP. Your offspring are adults - they are adults, they are responsible for their own choices, decisions and mistakes, not you.